Dec. 5, 2004 #01:  Political Satire/Commentary where satire is always commentary but commentary isn't always satire™ (but we're confident you'll know the difference)  Search PoliSat.Com Home  Tell a friend about PoliSat.Com    Subscribe   Permanent link to this installment in PoliSat.Com's Archives    Google-News list of recent updates    About author, Jim Wrenn.

FDA seeks more tests of Intrinsia, Proctor & Gamble's "arousal patch"; Bill Clinton volunteers for clinical tests on Desperate Housewives; NOW seeks "flaccidity patch" or "Hillary Patch" for men.

            The FDA's refusal to approve "Intrinsia," Proctor & Gamble's "arousal" patch for women (popularly known as a "sex patch" for women or "female Viagra") without further clinical testing prompted Bill Clinton to volunteer to serve in a program for clinical tests on Desperate Housewives, but the National Organization of Women (NOW) is demanding that the FDA require Proctor & Gamble to simultaneously develop a "flaccidity patch" for men rather than exposing women to potentially dangerous side-effects of "arousal" patches.  According to Forbes, "[t]he Food and Drug Administration committee said P&G's testosterone-based Intrinsa patch needs long-term testing for adverse effects before it can be cleared for commercialization, echoing concerns that extensive testosterone therapy could be harmful."

            Clinton imposed only one limitation on his offer to perform the male role in clinical tests of Intrinsia by seeking a guarantee that the required profile of each female participant be "Desperate Housewife" rather than "Desperate Hillwife."  However, Clinton's offer inspired NOW to demand that the clinical testing of the "arousal patch" on Desperate Housewives be required to simultaneously test a "flaccidity patch" on each male participant.  A NOW spokesman explained that Clinton would be an ideal subject for testing the "flaccidity patch" because if it were to work on him, it would work on anyone.  

            A spokesman for the National Organization of Desperate Husbands said the equivalent of "flaccidity patches" have been effectively used by wives for many decades.  When asked to elaborate, the spokesman listed several examples proven to be highly effective:  facial cold-cream at bedtime, hair in rollers at bedtime, washing hands in very cold water just before bedtime, and insisting on watching David Letterman or Jay Leno. A NOW spokes-being said women need to be liberated from the burdens of employing such self-defense mechanisms so they can go to bed looking their best in Victoria's Secret lingerie without fear of being molested by sexual-predator husbands.  Subsequently, as indicated at the end of this report, Hillary Clinton issued a statement strongly supporting NOW's position.  PoliSat.Com's high-tech remote-sensing equipment has obtained a copy of a video presentation of Hillary's position-- See image to the right.

            When reporters asked the NOW spokes-being to explain how a "flaccidity patch" would work, she/he/it (hereafter, "sheheit") said that at the first signs of sexual arousal, the patch would simultaneously release two substances through the skin into the male bloodstream:  Oxytocin to induce the kind of severe pains women experience during childbirth and a neural chemical forcing the male brain to visualize an image of Rosie O'Donnell in a bikini.  When a reporter asked the NOW spokes-being to explain what would motivate any normal male to wear such a patch, sheheit said:  "Unlike the arousal patch for women, the flaccidity patch would release chemicals not through the side with the adhesive but rather through the opposite side so that a wife preferring to avoid having to apply facial cold-cream or hair-rollers before going to bed to avoid being sexually molested could instead affix a flaccidity patch to the palm of her hand.

            When reporters asked Bill Clinton whether the NOW proposal would discourage him from participating in a program for simultaneous clinical testing of the "arousal patch" on Desperate Housewives and the "flaccidity patch" on male participants, he answered in rhythm and rhyme.  The text is below, but PoliSat.Com's high-tech remote-sensing equipment has not yet obtained a copy of the video version (which will appear here when it becomes available), but in the interim, we're providing the image-link below to enable visitors to view the incident that inspired Bubba to volunteer to field the flame of Desperate Housewives:

Bubba Fields Their Flame.

The FDA nixed the espousal
of patches for female arousal
until and unless
more clinical tests
prove safety as well as arousal.

As one whose political half-life
owes much to the gender-gap housewife,
a duty I feel
for serving with zeal
in tests on the Desperate Housewives.

Though NOW is demanding the tests
use both-gender patches in tests,
"For science," I've said
that "getting ahead
means learning which patches are best."

Flaccidity patches to calm
arousal in men apply balm
from patches not worn
by husbands but worn
by desperate wives on their palms.

So therefore, to guard my condition, 
I'll strictly confine my volition
to testing with babes
content to be slaves
to serve in my fav'rite position.

            However, Bill's statement prompted a hastily-scheduled press-conference by Hillary Clinton supporting NOW's denunciation of Proctor & Gamble's plans to market the "arousal patch" to women.  Here's the text of her statement:  "And I say to my Americans, what this country needs is not an arousal patch for desperate housewives, what this country needs is a flaccidity patch for desperate husbands."

--Jim Wrenn, Editor at PoliSat.Com.

To view the update immediately preceding this one, go here.

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Questions for Americans:

Shouldn't we be at least as generous in supporting the families of our troops killed or injured while serving our country in Afghanistan, Iraq, in America and throughout the rest of the world as we were for the families of the victims of 9-11?  Here are some suggestions:

*Salute American Heroes*  *Support Fallen Heroes Fund*

Shouldn't we recognize that many, if not most, instances of foreign anti-Americanism in the late 20th Century (like most of the foreign anti-Americanism today) focused reactionary rage against maintenance of, and willingness to use, human-rights-respecting power against forces that oppose liberty and favor the "stability" of the status quo?   See a retrospective on Ronald Reagan.   Shouldn't we recognize that despite arguments to the contrary by devotees of the United Nations that the world remains a yet-to-be-civilized place in which the wise exercise of human-rights-respecting power more than intellectual sophistry can best assure the survival of liberty?

Shouldn't we recognize that "property rights" are among the most fundamental of "human rights" and are therefore vital to the survival of liberty?  See "'Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness' versus 'Life, Liberty [and] Property.'"

Questions for secular thinkers:

Shouldn't secular thinkers be at least as respectful towards ordinary people of faith as George Bush is towards ordinary secular thinkers, and shouldn't ordinary secular thinkers repudiate fanatical secular fundamentalists at least as firmly as Bush repudiates fanatical religious fundamentalists?  Shouldn't secular fundamentalists learn to recognize the unscientific nature of their own leaps of faith before throwing stones at unscientific leaps of faith by ordinary people of faith?  See satire/commentary about Secular Fundamentalists and Religious Fanatics.

Shouldn't people professing to be secular thinkers learn to understand the difference between science and political science (i.e., politicized science)?  Shouldn't radical environmentalists learn to understand that their views are little more than modern forms of pantheism?  See Satire/Commentary about Pantheopians.  Shouldn't they learn to objectively and scientifically scrutinize theories such as Global Warming at least as rigorously as they scrutinize "creationism"?  See "Global Warming or Scientific Flatulence?"  See also the commentary on proposed "climate stewardship" legislation and the animated illustration, "Goblins of Globalized 'Warming.'" 

Shouldn't people professing to be secular thinkers learn to understand that what science reveals about human evolution supports, rather than undermines, the sensibility of a rebuttable presumption that monogamous, heterosexual marriage best serves the interests of children notwithstanding the sensibility of recognizing civil unions to accord comparable (but not identical) privileges to mutual-support partnerships?   See  commentary "Evolution versus Revolution" and the animated illustration, "Devolution versus Evolution."

Questions for people of faith:

Shouldn't people with faith that a Deity created free will recognize that compulsory piety would be offensive to such Deity?

Shouldn't people with faith that a Deity created free will recognize that political compromises limiting the power of government to compel conformity with theocratic doctrines over which other people of faith, as well as secular thinkers, can reasonably disagree would not be offensive to such Deity?  See commentary about our Founding Documents, the Constitution and the Creator.

end

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