Sept. 12, 2004 #01Political Satire/Commentary where satire is always commentary but commentary isn't always satire 
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Dan Rather and CBS re-postulate E-MC² in responding to charges that letters they broadcast on Back to the Future in 60 Minutes purporting to be National Guard documents by Lt. Col. Jerry Killian impugning George W. Bush's military service are fraudulent-- Einstein rolls over in grave at Rather's re-postulation of E=MC².

           Reliable sources have told PoliSat.Com that Dan Rather has now reversed his initial decision (reported on Sept. 10, 2004,°¹ exclusively by PoliSat.Com) to concede the impossibility of pre-word-processor use of a word-processor to write a document.  CBS has found experts who say with certitude that they have found enough holes in Einstein's Theory of Relativity to easily explain how easy it was for Lt. Col. Jerry Killian to have used 1980's word-processing software in 1973 to enable a standard, Air National Guard typewriter to perform years ahead of its time.

            According to a CBS expert, who prefers to remain anonymous:

 "Anyone who's literate is already intimately familiar with the recent, ground-shaking work of the brilliant Portuguese theoretical physicist Joao Magueijo, whose book, "Faster Than Light-- The Story of a Scientific Speculation,"°² exposes flaws in Einstein's Special Theory of Relativity through which one could drive truckloads of 1980's software into 1970's typewriters.  Given the longstanding connection between the Air Force, the Air National Guard and the brilliant scientists at the Lockheed Skunk-Works, it's easy to understand how Killian was able to accomplish such a seemingly impossible feat right under the unsuspecting noses of the ubiquitous agents of the Carlysle Group for whom the then Lt. George W. Bush was on a secret mission to promote the then-future interests of Dick Cheney in Halliburton."  

In response to skeptical questioning by the few reporters not smart enough to agree with CBS, the expert indignantly intimated that something even bigger remains to be expelled from the bowels of knowledge at CBS:  "It's even more sinister than that," said the expert, who insisted on being anonymously identified as a "life-long Republican who had voted for every Republican President since Abraham Lincoln and whose life was saved repeatedly by a number of prominent Democratic military heroes such as Andrew Jackson during the Battle of New Orleans, Harry Truman commanding artillery batteries in World War I, and John F. Kennedy commanding his PT-109 in World War II."  When pressed for an explanation by dim-witted critics of CBS, the expert elaborated:

"We're prepared to announce that we've discovered how to explain the period during which Dubya was AWOL from the Air National Guard in 1972.  Unbeknownst to most of the scientific world in 1972, scientists working for the Carlysle Group in 2004 had created a faster-than-light time-portal to enable the 1972 George W. Bush (at the behest of his then-CIA-Director father, George Herbert Walker Bush) to help the bin Laden family in Saudi Arabia provide tactical assistance to Anwar Sadat in planning the 1973 Yom Kippur War against Israel to help Nixon divert attention from the Watergate burglary."  

" But the plan failed because in 2004 the sinister Carlysle Group was unaware that the brilliant Democratic operatives, Valerie Plame and Joe Wilson, had discovered the time-portal system.  Using the Carlysle Group's own invention against it, they traveled back in time to inform Lt. Col. Jerry Killian about the nefarious time-travel mission of Dubya while AWOL from Killian's unit and provided Killian with a modern word-processor to write coded letters that could be used in 2004 to expose the sinister nature of Dubya's real mission in 1972."  

"You see, it's really quite simple.  It's certainly no more complex than the theories floated by the Democrats in the 1988 campaign to claim that in October of 1980, George Herbert Walker Bush had flown the Blackbird to France and back in less than 6 hours to meet with Bani Sadr to persuade him to persuade Ayatollah Khomeni to keep the American diplomats hostage in Tehran until after the 1980 election contest between Jimmy Carter and Ronald Reagan."

When the CBS expert finished, the room fell into stunned silence until a New York Times reporter exclaimed, "Now it's easy to understand," after which a chorus of "amens" permeated the room.  Then, the expert surprised everyone by announcing that Dan Rather was about to come to the podium and explain the authenticity of the Killian letters in a manner readily understandable to everyone except dim-witted supporters of Bush.  A hush fell across the room as Rather entered the room, positioned himself behind the podium and began his explanation. 

            First, to show his intellectual prowess, he explained his profound insights into Einstein's "E=MC²" as meaning "Enlightenment = My Convictions Squared."  Then he proceeded to explain in laymen's terms what he deemed to be scientifically obvious answers to questions raised by dim-witted right wing fanatics about documents identified by CBS experts as being authentic National Guard documents to prove George W. Bush was AWOL and disobeyed orders during the final years of his service in the Air National Guard:

Back to the Future in 60 Minutes with Dan Rather:

I'm Dan, who declines to retract
the claims upon which I attacked
the Dubya as feigning
compliance with training,
so please don't confuse me with facts.

So- what if the man we described
as "trump card" can't really provide
the proof for our vetters
that word-processed letters
were writ before software arrived?

To minds on the Right, this would seem
a downright impossible dream,
but Leftists like me
have minds that can see
what great minds like Einstein's have seen.

Though non-Leftist dimwits may scoff,
to answer, I'm not at a loss.
My answer's as plain
as how high-speed planes
can land long before taking off.

Now, even we dim-witted skeptics of CBS can understand.  How could we ever have doubted Dan's sincere objectivity?  How could we ever have thought Dan's reporting might enter the realm of partisan speculation?  []   How could we have ever doubted the scientific validity of Dan's re-postulation of E=MC² as meaning "Enlightenment = My Convictions Squared."

01.See http://PoliSat.Com/du2004/du0409-01--10.htm#20040910-01.

02. I've read Joao Magueijo's theoretical speculation, which employs naked assertions more than logic to suggest light traveled "faster" in the early stages of the formation of the universe, after which it "slowed down" to the speed of light as we know it today.  What Magueijo ignores is that real-world results discerned by a physicist who played a prominent role in the development of the worldwide geo-stationary satellite communications system has provided a far more plausible basis for modifying Einstein's Theory of Relativity.  

What's the basis?  It's the operational success of the system in which geo-stationary satellites (for which time is determined by on-board atomic clocks) traveling at vastly greater speeds than earthbound stations (for which time is determined by earthbound atomic clocks) have been able to maintain independent determinations of time within a one-nanosecond (a billionth of a second) margin of error while simultaneously (rather than sequentially) communicating with other satellites as well as earth-bound stations across distances of thousands of miles despite the fact doing so appears to violate Einstein's Theory of Relativity that no cause (such as adjustments for the effect of acceleration in speed causing a deceleration in time) could produce an effect across a distance faster than the speed of light.  

The physicist, Tom Van Flandern [], makes a compelling argument for modifying Einstein's theory by recognizing that the force of gravity, rather than light, is the fastest thing in the universe and that it travels at a speed approximately 20 billion times faster than light.  I have speculated that if (I say when) physicists recognize gravity to be a universal, all-directional "push"-- i.e., an anti-matter force "crunching" or "compressing" matter from all directions at all times (rather than being a "pulling" force that bends time and space) -- able to produce effects across vast distances (as posited by Van Flandern) at speeds billions of times faster than light, such recognition will ultimately lead to our ability to invent ways to travel in space at speeds vastly faster than light without suffering the time-dilation problem described by Einstein's Theory of Relativity-- See, which I wrote in 2000. (The "time dilation" problem is that if Einstein's theory were to be correct then an astronaut spending several years of his own life traveling near light-speed in space would discover upon returning to Earth that several generations would have lived and died during his absence.) 

--Jim Wrenn, Editor at PoliSat.Com.


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