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Archives-- Installments for
September 11 through 20, 2004, starting below in reverse chronological order.
Sept. 20,
2004 #01: Political
Satire/Commentary where satire is always commentary
but commentary isn't always satire™
(but we're confident you'll know the difference) Search
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Permanent link to this
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author, Jim Wrenn.
Dan
Rather apologizes for being "unable to prove" defamatory charges against George W. Bush,
denies having a partisan bias, dismisses the CBS 60 Minutes "Memo-Gate" a.k.a. "MemoGate"
as a "third-rate journalistic error," and proclaims "I am not a partisan hack."
Today, Dan Rather, CBS News and 60 Minutes shocked the world by revealing a long list of things they
"can't prove": First, they admit they "can't prove" the
"authenticity" of documents known by the rest of the world to have been forgeries to claim
that George W. Bush disobeyed orders for fulfilling his Air National Guard obligations. They
also admitted they cannot prove aliens landed in Roswell and visited the White House in 1949.
Rather added that he can't prove that Republicans sent the aliens to land in Roswell as a ploy to
have them meet personally with Harry Truman in an effort to attempt to intimidate him into asking
for a recount of the 1948 election and to then concede victory to Dewey.
Demanding public understanding of his "good faith" in publishing the forged documents he
"can't prove to have been authentic," Rather held a press conference to "shine the
light of truth" on comparable "shortcomings" of other news organizations:
For
example, ABC News has never been able to prove the existence of "Bigfoot." NBC News
has never been able to prove Kilroy was ever actually "here" or "there."
CNN has never been able to prove that Peter Arnett actually drank milk from the "Baby Milk
Factory." Fox News has never been able to prove that I am a partisan hack. (By the
way, "I am not a hack.") The New York Times has never been able to prove that
George finally stopped beating Laura. The Los Angeles Times has never been able to
prove that Arnold Schwarzenegger fondled Mother Teresa. None of the world's best news
organizations was ever able to prove that in the fall of 1980, George Herbert Walker Bush secretly
flew the Blackbird in a eight-hour round-trip to France to meet with Bani Sadr to persuade him to
persuade the Ayatollah Khomeni not to release the American diplomats held hostage in the U.S.
Embassy in Tehran until after the 1980 election. The Washington Post has never been
able to prove that George W. Bush prefers yellow cake rather than white cake. The Atlanta
Journal & Constitution has never been able to prove that Zell Miller underwent a sex-change
operation. ABC News was never able to prove Food Lion marketed spoiled meat. NBC News
was unable to prove fuel tanks on G.M. trucks would spontaneously explode in side-on
collisions. In the summer of 2000, I was unable to 'prove' that 'Republican operatives' had
illegally 'leaked' information about the Independent Prosecutor's probe into the Clinton scandals on
the eve of Al Gore's acceptance speech.°¹
So there you have it. No one's perfect, not even I.
Noticing that most of the cheering following these remarks came from a group of John Kerry
supporters who had assembled to give "moral support" to Rather for his courage in
admitting he simply was unable to "prove what everyone knows is true," Rather vowed to
"fight on" rather than surrender the "independence" and "integrity" of
CBS to the "right wing zealots who object to our error in judgment in using false evidence to
prove what we're certain is a true story." Caught up in the enthusiasm of his supporters,
Rather vowed that from now until the election, CBS will focus the entirety of its considerable
investigative assets "getting to the bottom" of the most important issue facing the
American electorate in the new few weeks: "Why didn't George W. Bush re-enlist in the Air
Force in late 1972 for an additional two years of flight training to learn to fly the fighter plane
in the inventory of the Alabama Air National Guard and/or the Harvard University Air National Guard
for the remaining months of his six-year term in the Air National Guard?"
After launching into a stunning exposé explaining how dirty-tricksters in the Bush campaign
deceived CBS by failing to immediately identify the CBS documents as forgeries and thereby forced
him to rely upon the documents he had obtained from a Democratic political hack, Rather said,
"This is the same thing they did to John McCain in South Carolina."
Striking an even more indignant tone, Rather said, "Americans are entitled to know whether their CBS News
anchorman is a "partisan hack." Buoyed by the warm reception, Rather raised both
arms with each hand making the universally understood "vee" symbol for
"victory," Rather proudly proclaimed, "I am not a partisan
hack."
As the crowd began dispersing, Rather waxed poetic and reiterated his stunning press conference in
rhythm and rhyme. Fortunately, PoliSat.Com's Washington Bureau Drawer Chief, who attended this
news conference, and recorded this extraordinary event for posterity:
"I
Am Not a Partisan Hack" Says Rather.
I'm
Dan, who would Rather admit
that some of the pieces don't fit
in "news" I reported
because I resorted
to trusting in others-- that's it.
To
please my producer named Mapes,
I read what she wrote to be taped--
My error was clearly
to trust what was merely
a third-rate producer's mistake.
Though
fraud I purveyed to attack
the Dubya, I cling to the facts.
alleged by my source,
a donkey-- of course,
I am not a partisan hack.
Meanwhile, John Kerry was busy contradicting, reiterating, and then re-contradicting each
substantive thing he has said about Iraq since the beginning of his campaign for the
Presidency. PoliSat.Com has learned from its usually highly unreliable sources that after Dan
Rather gave his non-apology apology this afternoon, he sent an email to John Kerry remarking,
"I see that you've decided to join me-- come on in-- the quicksand's fine." This was
a Freudian slip reference to Kerry's campaign having exhibited the same tendency of creating its own
quagmire as did Dan Rather, CBS and 60 Minutes:
°¹.Editor's
note: For a blatant example of Dan Rather's long track record as an intensely partisan
"news" reporter, see his August 17, 2000, commentary suggesting "Republicans"
were the source of a "leak" from the office of the Independent Counsel, Robert Ray,
regarding the Clinton scandals on the eve of Al Gore's acceptance speech Taking partisan leaps
of faith in making allegations thus doesn't come new to Dan Rather. Knowing that CBS
would ultimately remove the offending article from the internet, PoliSat.Com preserved
an accurate copy for posterity at http://polisat.com/ratherblather.htm.
That CBS link now shows current versions of the CBS news website rather than the version as
it existed on August 19, 2000, regarding Dan Rather's August 17, 2000, commentary. It's not in
the WayBackMachine, but it's surely somewhere within the archives of CBS. To find links to
numerous then-contemporaneous references to it, do an advanced Google search for "Dan
Rather" and "Robert Ray" and "August 17, 2000."
--Jim
Wrenn, Editor at PoliSat.Com.
Sept.
19, 2004 (Sunday)-- No update.
Sept. 18,
2004 #01: Political
Satire/Commentary where satire is always commentary
but commentary isn't always satire™
(but we're confident you'll know the difference) Search
PoliSat.Com Home Tell
a friend about PoliSat.Com Subscribe
Permanent link to this
installment in PoliSat.Com's Archives Google-News
list of recent updates About
author, Jim Wrenn.
John
Kerry's Quagmire and Dan Rather's Quagmire in the 60-Minutes Memo-Gate and Rather's campaign
commercials for Kerry and MoveOn.Org.
How ironic that MoveOn.Org chose to begin it's disgusting campaign commercial showing an American
soldier sinking in "quicksand" in Iraq in the same week in which Dan Rather and CBS
exhibited a remarkable preference for sinking in quicksand. Needless to day, commercials such
as that not only demoralize our troops but also give our enemies reason to hope that they could
change the course of our country's policy the same way they changed the course of Spain's policy.
They are sadly mistaken. The MoveOn.Org ad will increase, not diminish, support for
Bush. It will not inspire support for Kerry. We're all quite lucky that during the
Battle of the Bulge, there was no international television on which groups like MoveOn.Org could
broadcast such disgusting material.
What about CBS? Although PoliSat.Com's highly unreliable sources at first indicated Dan Rather
was planning to reveal his secret identity [here], a few days later, it appeared that Dan and CBS and 60 Minutes had decided to offer an
explanation less plausible than re-postulating Einstein's Theory of Relativity-- See "Back
to the Future in 60 Minutes with Dan Rather" [here].
And then, when no one thought Dan and CBS and 60 Minutes could possibly continue holding out
against admitting their "mistakes," they began working on a campaign-style commercial to
"lay everything on the table," titled "Hi--
I'm Dan Rather and I Approved this Ad" [here].
Thus, ironically, Dan Rather and 60 Minutes are showing they have much in common with Kerry-- i.e.,
they all share a fondness for sinking in quicksand. How does PoliSat.Com know this?
Because our highly unreliable sources have furnished to our Washington Bureau Drawer Chief an
out-take of a campaign commercial for Kerry that went wrong-- it's just didn't go the way they
planned it and, of course, the Kerry campaign was hoping it would never see the light of day.
However, with far greater investigative expertise than demonstrated by 60 Minutes, PoliSat.Com has
obtained a copy of this tape. The full, unabridged version takes 4 minutes and 30 seconds to
download (at dialup speed), but we've prepared a lower-resolution, abridged version to convey the
gist of how the commercial began going wrong during production, but if you want to know what Paul
Harvey defines as "the rest of the story," you'll have to view the high-resolution,
unabridged version.
For more information about the period leading up to what has now become known as
"Memo-Gate," see PoliSat.Com's installment about "Swiftboat
Journalism" [here].
Meanwhile, stay tuned to PoliSat.Com for more "breaking" reports on Campaign
2004.
Sept. 17,
2004 #01: Political
Satire/Commentary where satire is always commentary
but commentary isn't always satire™
(but we're confident you'll know the difference) Search
PoliSat.Com Home Tell
a friend about PoliSat.Com Subscribe
Permanent link to this
installment in PoliSat.Com's Archives Google-News
list of recent updates About
author, Jim Wrenn.
60
Minutes Memo-Gate spawns new ad by Dan Rather-- Hi,
I'm Dan
Rather and I approved this message against George W. Bush.
Hi,
I'm Dan Rather with CBS and I approved
this ad against George W.
Bush. So-what
if we broadcast fraudulent documents
claiming Bush shirked his
duties as a member of the Texas Air
National Guard? Our highly reliable
Kerry supporters have assured
us the information in these fraudulent
documents is true: That
Bush got special treatment to get
into the Air National Guard; that midway
though his fifth year he transferred
to an Alabama unit to take
a job working in a political campaign,
after which he failed to fly
any more, failed to report for a mandatory
flight physical, and then failed
to register with a new unit when
he transferred to Boston to attend
Harvard Business School.
So-what
if neither the Alabama unit nor
the unit near Harvard had the kind
of fighter he was qualified to fly? So-what
if in order to fly planes for either
of those units would have required
him to re-enter active duty for
training requiring between one and two
years? So-what if it was routine in
the Air National Guard, the Army National
Guard, the Army Reserves and
the Naval Reserves for units to make
accommodations to members relocating
for employment and/or for educational
purposes?
So-what if the widow
and son of Bush's commanding officer
say he admired, rather than having
disparaged, Bush's service? So-what
if there was no waiting list for candidates
to fly the highly dangerous fighter
planes assigned to the Texas Air
National Guard? So-what if "special treatment"
wasn't even needed to get into
the Texas Air National Guard in contrast
to the Army National Guard, for
which there was a long waiting list?
So-what
if the head of the Texas Air
National Guard had retired 18 months
before the date on which the fraudulent
memo claims he was pressuring
Bush's immediate superior to
"sugarcoat" Bush's record? So-what
if Bush received an honorable discharge.
So-what if the first two years
of his "Guard" service involved being
on active duty in the Air Force training
to fly, and flying, what John McCain
described as (and what Bush likewise
knew to be) one of the most dangerous,
accident-prone jet fighters we've
ever had in our inventory?
So-what if
the statistical risk of death from flying this
plane in non-combat roles was in fact higher
than the statistical risk of death from
serving in a combat branch in Vietnam?
So-what if the period Bush served
on Active Duty in the Air Force was
longer than the period John Kerry served
on active duty in Vietnam? So-what
if Bush never gave testimony in the
Senate falsely claiming that for our soldiers
to commit atrocities and war crimes
was the official policy of the American
military in Vietnam?
So what if
Bush never met with representatives of Hanoi?
So-what if Bush never claimed or
implied that most American soldiers committed
atrocities in Vietnam? So-what if
Bush never had any medals to pretend to throw
away. So-what if Bush never wrote a
book disparaging America's military with a
cover-picture mocking the statue of the marines
raising the flag at Iwo Jima?
The only
thing that matters is that CBS and I are solely
responsible for the content of this ad,
for
which CBS sponsors and viewers are
unwittingly
paying.
Sept.
16, 2004-- No Update today-- Editor working on special project unrelated to politics: DaVinci
Code of Scientific Evidence.
Sept.
15, 2004-- No Update today-- Editor working on special project unrelated to politics: DaVinci
Code of Scientific Evidence.
Sept.
14, 2004-- No update today-- Editor working on special project unrelated to politics: DaVinci
Code of Scientific Evidence.
Sept.
13, 2004-- No update today-- Editor working on special project unrelated to politics: DaVinci
Code of Scientific Evidence.
Sept. 12,
2004 #01: Political
Satire/Commentary where satire is always commentary
but commentary isn't always satire™
(but we're confident you'll know the difference) Search
PoliSat.Com Home Tell
a friend about PoliSat.Com Subscribe
Permanent link to this
installment in PoliSat.Com's Archives Google-News
list of recent updates About
author, Jim Wrenn.
Dan
Rather and CBS re-postulate E-MC² in responding to charges that letters they
broadcast on Back to the Future in 60 Minutes purporting to be National
Guard documents by Lt. Col. Jerry Killian impugning George W. Bush's military service are
fraudulent-- Einstein rolls
over in grave at Rather's re-postulation of E=MC².
Reliable sources have told PoliSat.Com that Dan Rather has now reversed his
initial decision (reported
on Sept. 10, 2004,°¹
exclusively by PoliSat.Com) to concede the impossibility of
pre-word-processor use of a word-processor to write a document. CBS has
found experts who say with certitude that they have found enough holes in
Einstein's Theory of Relativity to easily explain how easy it was for Lt. Col.
Jerry Killian to have used 1980's word-processing software in 1973 to enable a
standard, Air National Guard typewriter to perform years ahead of its time.
According to a CBS expert, who prefers to remain anonymous:
"Anyone
who's literate is already intimately familiar with the recent, ground-shaking
work of the brilliant Portuguese theoretical physicist Joao Magueijo, whose
book, "Faster
Than Light-- The Story of a Scientific Speculation,"°²
exposes flaws in Einstein's Special Theory of Relativity through which one could
drive truckloads of 1980's software into 1970's typewriters. Given the
longstanding connection between the Air Force, the Air National Guard and the
brilliant scientists at the Lockheed Skunk-Works, it's easy to understand how
Killian was able to accomplish such a seemingly impossible feat right under the
unsuspecting noses of the ubiquitous agents of the Carlysle Group for whom the
then Lt. George W. Bush was on a secret mission to promote the then-future
interests of Dick Cheney in Halliburton."
In
response to skeptical questioning by the few reporters not smart enough to agree
with CBS, the expert indignantly intimated that something even bigger remains to
be expelled from the bowels of knowledge at CBS: "It's even
more sinister than that," said the expert, who insisted on being
anonymously identified as a "life-long Republican who had voted for every
Republican President since Abraham Lincoln and whose life was saved repeatedly
by a number of prominent Democratic military heroes such as Andrew Jackson
during the Battle of New Orleans, Harry Truman commanding artillery batteries in
World War I, and John F. Kennedy commanding his PT-109 in World War
II." When pressed for an explanation by dim-witted critics of CBS,
the expert elaborated:
"We're
prepared to announce that we've discovered how to explain the period during
which Dubya was AWOL from the Air National Guard in 1972. Unbeknownst to
most of the scientific world in 1972, scientists working for the Carlysle Group
in 2004 had created a faster-than-light time-portal to enable the 1972 George W.
Bush (at the behest of his then-CIA-Director father, George Herbert Walker Bush) to help the bin Laden family in Saudi Arabia provide tactical assistance to
Anwar Sadat in planning the 1973 Yom Kippur War against Israel to help Nixon
divert attention from the Watergate burglary."
" But the plan failed because
in 2004 the sinister Carlysle Group was unaware that the brilliant Democratic
operatives, Valerie Plame and Joe Wilson, had discovered the time-portal
system. Using the Carlysle Group's own invention against it, they traveled
back in time to inform Lt. Col. Jerry Killian about the nefarious time-travel
mission of Dubya while AWOL from Killian's unit and provided Killian with a
modern word-processor to write coded letters that could be used in 2004 to
expose the sinister nature of Dubya's real mission in 1972."
"You
see, it's really quite simple. It's certainly no more complex than the
theories floated by the Democrats in the 1988 campaign to claim that in October
of 1980, George Herbert Walker Bush had flown the Blackbird to France and back
in less than 6 hours to meet with Bani Sadr to persuade him to persuade
Ayatollah Khomeni to keep the American diplomats hostage in Tehran until after
the 1980 election contest between Jimmy Carter and Ronald Reagan."
When
the CBS expert finished, the room fell into stunned silence until a New York
Times reporter exclaimed, "Now it's easy to understand," after which a
chorus of "amens" permeated the room. Then, the expert surprised
everyone by announcing that Dan Rather was about to come to the podium and
explain the authenticity of the Killian letters in a manner readily
understandable to everyone except dim-witted supporters of Bush. A hush
fell across the room as Rather entered the room, positioned himself behind the
podium and began his explanation.
First, to show his intellectual prowess, he explained his profound insights into
Einstein's "E=MC²" as meaning "Enlightenment = My Convictions
Squared." Then he proceeded to explain in laymen's terms what he
deemed to be scientifically obvious answers to questions raised by dim-witted
right wing fanatics about documents identified by CBS experts as being authentic
National Guard documents to prove George W. Bush was AWOL and disobeyed orders
during the final years of his service in the Air National Guard:
Back
to the Future in 60 Minutes with Dan Rather:
I'm
Dan, who declines to retract
the claims upon which I attacked
the Dubya as feigning
compliance with training,
so please don't confuse me with facts.
So-
what if the man we described
as "trump card" can't really provide
the proof for our vetters
that word-processed letters
were writ before software arrived?
To
minds on the Right, this would seem
a downright impossible dream,
but Leftists like me
have minds that can see
what great minds like Einstein's have seen.
Though
non-Leftist dimwits may scoff,
to answer, I'm not at a loss.
My answer's as plain
as how high-speed planes
can land long before taking off.
Now,
even we dim-witted skeptics of CBS can understand. How could we ever have
doubted Dan's sincere objectivity? How could we ever have thought Dan's
reporting might enter the realm of partisan speculation? [http://polisat.com/du2000/du000831.htm#20000818-01]
How
could we have ever doubted the scientific validity of Dan's re-postulation of E=MC² as meaning
"Enlightenment = My Convictions Squared."
01.See
http://PoliSat.Com/du2004/du0409-01--10.htm#20040910-01.
02.
I've read Joao Magueijo's theoretical speculation, which employs naked
assertions more than logic to suggest light traveled "faster" in the
early stages of the formation of the universe, after which it "slowed
down" to the speed of light as we know it today. What Magueijo
ignores is that real-world results discerned by a physicist who played a
prominent role in the development of the worldwide geo-stationary satellite
communications system has provided a far more plausible basis for modifying
Einstein's Theory of Relativity.
What's
the basis? It's the operational success of the system in which
geo-stationary satellites (for which time is determined by on-board atomic
clocks) traveling at vastly greater speeds than earthbound stations (for which
time is determined by earthbound atomic clocks) have been able to maintain
independent determinations of time within a one-nanosecond (a billionth of a
second) margin of error while simultaneously (rather than sequentially)
communicating with other satellites as well as earth-bound stations across
distances of thousands of miles despite the fact doing so appears to violate
Einstein's Theory of Relativity that no cause (such as adjustments for the
effect of acceleration in speed causing a deceleration in time) could produce an
effect across a distance faster than the speed of light.
The
physicist, Tom
Van Flandern [http://www.ldolphin.org/vanFlandern/index.html],
makes a compelling argument for modifying Einstein's theory by recognizing that
the force of gravity, rather than light, is the fastest thing in the universe
and that it travels at a speed approximately 20 billion times faster than
light. I have speculated that if (I say when) physicists recognize gravity
to be a universal, all-directional "push"-- i.e., an
anti-matter force "crunching" or "compressing" matter from
all directions at all times (rather than being a "pulling" force that
bends time and space) -- able to produce
effects across vast distances (as posited by Van Flandern) at speeds billions of
times faster than light, such recognition will ultimately lead to our ability to
invent ways to
travel in space at speeds vastly faster than light without suffering the
time-dilation problem described by Einstein's Theory of Relativity-- See http://wrenncom.com/c21pred.asp,
which I wrote in 2000. (The "time dilation" problem is that if
Einstein's theory were to be correct then an astronaut spending several years of
his own life traveling near light-speed in space would discover upon returning
to Earth that several generations would have lived and died during his absence.)
--Jim
Wrenn, Editor at PoliSat.Com.
Sept.
11, 2004: No update today.
Daily
Update immediately preceding the one above: click here.
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