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Political Satire Daily Updates.©2000
This page contains the Daily Updates for June, 2000.  To go to our current Daily Updates page, click here.  To go to our Daily-Update Archives, click here.

2000-06-30 Daily Update-02 © 2000
Clinton theorizes scientific defense to disbarment proceedings. (a limerick)
    To counter disbarment proceedings, 
    I learned from the gene-mapping treatise
    That my genes present 
    a brand-new defense:  
    the lies were all told by my penis. 
© 2000 (
Inspired by legislative proposals against genetic-based discrimination in light of the Drudge report on 06-30-00 that Joe Eszterhas's new book, American Rhapsody, features a final chapter narrated by Clinton's "talking penis" for which Bill Maher serves as the voice in the audio version.)

2000-06-30 Daily Update-01 © 2000
Genome research reveals Clinton's "talking penis." (a limerick)
    In politics, Clinton's a genius-- 
    a guy who's from Mars and not Venus
    But genome research 
    reveals a strange quirk-- 
    that he has a fast-talking penis. 
© 2000 (
Inspired by Drudge report on 06-30-00 that Joe Eszterhas's new book, American Rhapsody, features a final chapter narrated by Clinton's "talking penis" for which Bill Maher serves as the voice in the audio version.)

2000-06-29 Daily Update-01 © 2000
New I-R-S Heaven:  Reform five-two-sevens. (a limerick)
    "Reform" for the five-twenty-sevens 
    is really just aid and abettin'
    for making a nest 
    to give I-R-S 
    more space in its Big Brother Heaven.  
© 2000 (
Inspired by 06-29-00 congressional passage of legislation to increase IRS authority over 527 organizations engaging in political speech.)

2000-06-28 Daily Update-01 © 2000
Adios to Elian (a set of limericks)
    We know there are sad times in life 
    when something that's legal ain't right.
    We owe toleration 
    but not celebration 
    when someone surrenders his rights.
    'Though we are obliged to respect 
    Juan's right to refuse to defect,
    We can't rejoice 
    at his lack of choice 
    to do what free men would think best.
© 2000 

2000-06-27 Daily Update-01 © 2000
Genome-Mapping Leads to Genetically-Improved Celebrity-Activists (a limericks)
    An anti-gun theme Rosie touts 
    except for her guard when she's out.
    The gene should come out 
    that teaches her how 
    to talk from both sides of her mouth.
© 2000 (more to come as more types of gene therapies become available).

2000-06-26 Daily Update-01 © 2000
Genome-Mapping Leads to Genetically-Improved Politicians (a set of limericks)
    Since mapping the genome's complete, 
    our steps will become giant leaps.
    The most urgent mission 
    is fix politicians 
    to stop them from being such creeps.
    For Dubya, whose past was much juicier,
     whom critics call dumber and snootier,
    What to do first? 
    Get rid of the smirk-- 
    then give him the gene to say "nuclear."

    And what should we do with Al Gore, 
    the man with inventions galore?
    To end his temptation 
    for prevarication, 
    we'll splice-out the gene for Gore Lore.
    And how can we stop John McCain 
    from singing the same old refrain?
    A gene to unzip 
    his feelings of guilt 
    for riding the Keating-Five train.
    And what about Patrick Buchannan,
    whose mouth has become a loose cannon?
    His genes are too straight 
    and now it's too late 
    to stop his crusade against Mammon.
    And what about candidate Nader, 
    who thinks he is fighting Darth Vader?
    His mental bionics 
    and world-savior complex 
    need transplanted genes from day-traders.

    Ventura said in his next life, 
    a D-cup he'd be with delight.
    To help him prepare, 
    we'll give him new hair 
    and boobies to make the cups tight. 
© 2000

2000-06-25 Daily Update-01. © 2000
The Road to Damascus.
    For years we heard Nader and Gore 
    proposing that gas should cost more !
    But now that it's high, 
    they suddenly cry 
    that surely the price should be lower !
    So what is the reason that both  
    now say that the price should be low?
    Of course it is rude 
    for us to conclude 
    they're simply competing for votes.
© 2000

2000-06-24 Daily Update-01.
No Daily Update.

2000-06-23 Daily Update-01.
No Daily Update.

2000-06-22 Daily Update-01.
No Daily Updates.

2000-06-21 Daily Update-01 © 2000
Gasoline Prices:  Gouging for Votes  (a set of limericks)
    Since gasoline prices have risen, 
    Al Gore takes a puzzling position.
    His book said we need  
    high prices indeed  
    to save us from cars run by pistons.
    Yet now he has started espousing 
    that high prices constitute gouging,
    But it ain't the money, 
    it's who gets it, honey, 
    just "profits" not taxes are "gouging."
© 2000

2000-06-20 Daily Update-01 © 2000 
(British Telecom seeks royalties for hyperlink patent.)
British Empire reborn as British E-empire  (a set of limericks).
    The Twentieth Cent'ry's last half ...  
    saw Great Britain's Empire collapse
    But now like a phoenix, 
    it rises to greet us 
    and subjugate us to a tax.
    Of course, it's not really a tax-- 
    just fees under patent-law acts.
    You've prob'ly been thinking 
    that web-hyperlinking 
    was something that Al Gore begat,

    But soon we will hear Gore admitting 
    that British chaps did the inventing.
    Who now with great pluck 
    demand that so much 
    be paid to so few by so many !  
© 2000.

2000-06-19 Daily Update-01 © 2000
Imus the ex-disk-jockey becomes a dissed-jockey.  (a set of limericks)
    We know Mother Nature abhors 
    two horses' rear-ends on a horse
    When Imus was thrown, 
    the horse that he owns 
    was listening to Nature's own voice !
    We hope he's surrounded by kindness 
    and hope that his treatment's the finest
    Like all the rest, 
    we send him our best 
    and also best-wishes to Imus.
© 2000

2000-06-18 Daily Update-01 © 2000
Happy Father's Day, Dad ! (a string of limericks)
    On Father's Day I am so glad 
    to have time to be with my Dad.
    His goal in life:  
    take care of his wife, 
    his daughter and knucklehead lad.
    I'm proud to have sons of my own, 
    and both into good men have grown.
    And my selfless Dad 
    has helped my two lads 
    when I came up short on my own.

    And so there are no words to say 
    enough to my Dad on this day
    To fully express 
    my love and respect and 
    honor his unselfish ways. 
© 2000

2000-06-17 Daily Update-01 © 2000
Elian's Father's Day Card to Castro plagiarizes Hitler-Youth Card to the FuehrerSome things are so self-evidently absurd that neither satire nor parody is needed illustrate such absurdity.  Thus, Elian's Father's Day Card to Castro speaks for itself:
"On this Father's Day, we want to send an affectionate greeting, and a well-deserved kiss, to all of you, especially to one father whom we love dearly for his unrivaled teachings and his infinite love for us, our Commander-in-Chief... "
--This quotation is from Reuters/Excite report on 06-17-00 by Andrew Cawthorne.

2000-06-16 Daily Update-02 © 2000
Hard-drives found at Los Alamos (a set of limericks)
    Bill Richardson said with relief, 
    the hard-drives are not with a thief
    He says they were found 
    still-on secure ground, 
    and maybe that is his belief.

    But PoliSat has a good source 
    as good as the mouth of the horse.
    We know they were found 
    on far-away ground:
    in toilets for tenants of Gore !  
© 2000 (Inspired by:  Fox News report on 06-16-00;  See also WashPost/AP report on 06-16-00.)

2000-06-16 Daily Update-01 © 2000
Rat de jour-- a pita not sanctioned by PeTA (a set of limericks)
    We've read there's a show called "Survivors" 
    that's out-rating most of its rivals
    'Though I can't review it 
    'cause I haven't viewed it, 
    I know it deserves a high-5-er !
    Of course it ain't La Dolce Vita 
    to eat a cooked rat in a pita,
    But what is so good 
    about rat de jour?  
    It angers fanatics at PeTA !
© 2000 (Inspired by FoxNews report on 06-16-00 about the "Survivors" show participants eating rats.) 

2000-06-15-00 Daily Update-01 © 2000
Bridging the Digital Divide, Part II (limericks) (Part I, click here.)
    Both Clinton and Gore take great pride 
    in closing the digital divide
    We know Foggy Bottom 
    has helped the downtrodden 
    by leaving their doors open wide.
    But who has helped close it the most?  
    Those kind folks at Los Alamos!
    They say to their guests, 
    "Please sample our best-- 
    we hope you won't turn us to toast."
© 2000

2000-06-14 Daily Update-01 © 2000
Headline:  Women harassed and groped in Central Park--
Police question usual suspect, but Clinton claims to have rock-solid alibi. 
© 2000

2000-06-13 Daily Update-01 © 2000
Los Alamos hard-drives-- Where did they go?  (limericks)
    Los Alamos hard-drives are key 
    to stopping a Nuke-'Em-High spree.
    So back in late April, 
    a Richardson cable 
    said keep 'em as safe as can be !
    And what did they see as the danger?  
    A fire set by fed'ral park rangers.
    'Cause ev'ryone knows 
    how strong the wind blows 
    except of course fed'ral park rangers.

    And this gave the scientists jitters 
    'cause rangers just care about critters
    So scientists hired  
    an expert on fire
    but sadly he was the low bidder.
    To save things from fire on the way, 
    it's best to just move them away.
    The next best protection 
    is water convection 
    for things that are not moved away.

    And so the low-bidder proposed  
    to use not just one way but both
    For safety through distance 
    and water resistance, 
    he code-named his plan "flush-and-go."
    He stationed a worker beside  
    the room with the hard-drives inside
    His recommendation 
    required simulation 
    to be sure the drives would survive.

    But on that poor worker's first day, 
    he heard the words "Fire's on the way!"
    He thought it was real 
    and not just a drill, 
    and so he just flushed them away.
    They searched for them thirty-some days 
    'til driven away by a blaze
    Then there were leaks 
    that prospects were bleak 
    and searchers were panicked and dazed.

    But miracles happen each day, 
    and now all the hard-drives are safe,
    It's hard to believe, 
    but they were retrieved 
    from toilets at Al Gore Estates. 
© 2000

2000-06-12 Daily Update-01 © 2000 (limericks)
Al Gore's latest invention:   The AlGoreMobile--  Al Gore uses his knowledge of science and politics to invent an innovative, environmentally friendly way to improve transportation while at the same time reducing hazardous dumps, dependence on foreign oil, fossil-fuel depletion,  and poverty.  Al Gore explains  the inspiration for his latest invention:
    Without even slight condescension, 
    I must say I make good inventions
    And how do I do it? 
    There ain't nothin' to it, 
    'cause nothin' escapes my attention !
    On learning my tenants' conditions 
    don't satisfy plumbing conventions
    Since each time they flush, 
    they're wading in slush, 
    I thought of a brand-new invention.

    I always stay right up to date 
    on ev'rything science can make
    So I knew of course a new fuel source:  
    We now can refine human waste
    And what gives my Green heart a thrill?  
    To get it we don't have to drill
    My tenants can "go," 
    then sell overflow, 
    and soon their accounts will be filled.

    The profit we'll take from the till 
    to make a new automobile
    Then we will hype a new prototype 
    and call it the AlGoreMobile
    This auto will please the whole nation, 
    'cause no one will need service stations
    And if you ask me  
    just how this can be
    I'll give you a quick explanation: 

    The obsolete gasoline tank 
    will yield to a nice septic tank
    And old drivers' seats 
    become toilet seats 
    so drivers can fill their own tanks. 
    Of course there's a need for improvement, 
    and clearly it's in our behoovement
    That models display 
    their mileage CAFE 
    at fifty-six miles to the movement !

    For drivers a danger is plain:  
    To get extra mileage they'll strain
    To them we'll repeat, 
    just be sure to eat 
    the foods with high fibre and grain.  
© 2000  (Inspiration:  05-20-00 BBC report about scientists having discovered how to convert human waste into fossil fuel and a 06-06-00 FoxNews report about complaints by Gore's Tennessee tennants complaining about toilet backups in Gore's rental property; see also a Weekly Standard article on the same story.)  (See also our 20000531-01 Daily Update and our 20000604-01 Daily Update.)

2000-06-11 Daily Update-01 © 2000
Reform rope-a-dope; free speech on the ropes (limericks)
    Proponents of campaign "reform" 
    must think we were yesterday born.
    We hear them insist 
    the laws that exist 
    have loopholes that must be reformed.
    Whenever they pass more reform, 
    more business for lawyers is born.
    Already complex, 
    more laws just beget 
    more lawyers in charge of our horns !

    Since campaign "reform" was divined, 
    involvement by voters declined !
    The legalese text 
    became too complex 
    on when, where and how to opine !
    So what do "reformers" now preach?  
    That more laws will give us more speech !
    But if that is done, 
    the lawyers become 
    the priests of political speech !

    So what's their proposal this time 
    to stop the corruption and crime?
    Delimit debate 
    and just regulate 
    our property, money and time.  
© 2000

2000-06-10 Daily Update-01 © 2000
Reno's reprise:  My agents said "Please" 
when Elian Gonzales they seized
    When NBC's Tony Zumbado, 
    a cameraman full of bravado,
    Was doing his best 
    to cover the quest 
    to capture Gonzales for Castro,
    He entered the house of Gonzales 
    just seconds before Federallies.
    Hoping to show 
    the way it would go, 
    he soon learned such effort was folly.

    He witnessed the sights and the sounds 
    as into the house they did bound.
    But just as he tried 
    to broadcast it live, 
    they cut-off his power and sound.
    And now that he's read their description 
    of how they conducted their mission,
    He says that they lied 
    in claiming they tried 
    to calmly induce his submission.

    He says when he tried to stand up, 
    they knocked him right back on his butt,
    Like thugs in Havana, 
    they trampled his camera 
    and kept him from getting back up!  
© 2000 (Inspired by 06-09-00 Sun-Sentinal news report.)

2000-06-09 Daily Update-01 © 2000
F. Lee zings and OJ sings. (a limerick)
    Now OJ is back in the news ...  
    complainin' and singin' the blues
    Untruthful was he?  
    Or was it F. Lee?  
    They'll sell us some polygraph clues. 
© 2000

2000-06-08 Daily Update-01 © 2000
The High-Tech Awakening (a limerick)
    Dick Holbrooke just told the U-N 
    "Computers need women not men."
    So software conventions, 
    unlike farm inventions, 
    will not enslave women for men.
    If you think that this is bizarre, 
    your thinking just ain't up to par.
    So you must opine 
    that gals fell behind 
    'cause men surely had a head-start.
    We must re-write hist'ry to better 
    accommodate feminist fretters:

    When software took flight, 
    the men could touch-type, 
    but women were just hunt'n'peckers.  
© 2000 (Inspired by a 06-07-00 Reuters/Excite news report that our UN Ambassador Richard Holbrook told a UN conference that women need to take-over high-tech industries so men can't use them to oppress women as he says was the case in the agricultural revolution when new farming inventions enabled farmers to enslave their wives.) 

2000-06-07 Daily Update-01 © 2000
D-Day Plus One (a limerick)
    The Seventh Day of June is a Day 
    to paraphrase Gage and just say:
    I hate Reno-vation, 
    I need a vacation, 
    tell Canada I'm on the way. 
© 2000 (Editor's Note:  see also my original rhyme about Reno's anti-trust action against Microsoft, of which I'm no great fan, by the way, but I trust Microsoft a heck of a lot more than I trust federal bureaucrats.)

2000-06-06 Daily Update-01 © 2000
D-Day (a limerick)
    The Sixth Day of June is a Day 
    to paraphrase Churchill and say:
    If freedom is here 
    a thousand more years, 
    that still would be its finest day.
    Like no day since freedom's beginning 
    was so much at risk for so many.
    But they overcame 
    such terror and pain 
    to give freedom one more beginning. 

© 2000

2000-06-05 Daily Update-01 © 2000
We seize you! .
    The agents who seized young Gonzales 
    have said it was no big tamale
    So gentle they were, 
    you heard the cat purr, 
    and everyone loved the finale.  
© 2000 (Inspiration:  06-05-00 news reports of INS Agent's versions of events during seizure of Elian.)

2000-06-04 Daily Update-01 © 2000
What's Behind the Green Gore? (a limerick "by" Al Gore)
    Some bad news has come to the fore 
    disputing that I'm a Green Gore
    But clearly it's false 
    to say it's my fault 
    or that I don't care for the poor.
    My tenants have called me slum-Goring 
    and claim I invented slum-lording
    They claim I don't care 
    and don't do repair 
    'cause rent-money I have been hording

    I swear that I just didn't know 
    that each time my tenants would "go,"
    They suffered in slush 
    'cause after each flush, 
    the toilet would soon overflow.
    And then as though that ain't enough, 
    the cleanup was always so tough,
    'Cause when they got up 
    to clean up the muck, 
    they found that the sink had backed up.

    When E-P-A checked-out the lumps, 
    and OSHA examined their rumps,
    The experts opined 
    that I should be fined 
    for causing such hazardous dumps.  
© 2000 (Inspired by 06-04-00 FoxNews story about Gore's tenants accusing him of being a slumlord.)

2000-06-03 Daily Update-01 © 2000
No update today-- Renovation gliche.

2000-06-02 Daily Update-01 © 2000
Spending our wealth on our inner-selves (a limerick)
    Al Gore says our nation of wealth 
    should cure us of bad mental health
    and not charge a fee 
    to those with such needs 
    until they have no troubles left.
    'Though he thinks we have enough wealth 
    to cure all that bad mental health.
    Our surplus would fade 
    if government paid 
    the cost of the cure for himself.  

© 2000 (Inspired by 05-31-00 FoxNews report on Gore's proposal to require insurers to provide for mental-health treatment.)

2000-06-01 Daily Update-01 © 2000
A vict'ry for fathers in general ... 
but not for one ruled by a general
    Today's win for Miguel Gonzales ...  
    in one way's a vic'try for fathers.
    The ruling on Elian 
    helps fathers in general 
    and seems to help Miguel Gonzales.
    But under the laws of Fidel, 
    such rights are not treated so well,
    And realists know 
    as soon as Juan goes 
    to Cuba those rights are Fidel's. 

    That Juan won't or can't demand rights ...  
    is not the worst thing from this fight,
    'Cause what is most sad 
    is Elian's dad wants 
    brainwashing for his young tyke.
    With techniques overt and subliminal, 
    his brainwashing's much more than minimal.
    Surely by now, 
    he's had to learn how ...  
    to think his real mom was a criminal.

    In olden days we'd not rejoice ...  
    at finding we just had one choice:
    To send a young lad 
    back home with a dad 
    who'd make him a brown-shirted voice.  
© 2000

This page contains the Daily Updates for June, 2000.  To go to our current Daily Updates, click here.  To go to our Daily-Update Archives, click here.