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This page contains the Daily Updates for June, 2000. To go to our current Daily Updates page, click here. To go to our Daily-Update Archives, click here.
2000-06-30 Daily Update-02 © 2000
Clinton theorizes scientific defense to disbarment proceedings. (a limerick)
To counter disbarment proceedings,
I learned from the gene-mapping treatise
That my genes present
a brand-new defense:
the lies were all told by my penis.
© 2000 (Inspired by legislative proposals against genetic-based discrimination in light of the Drudge report on 06-30-00 that Joe Eszterhas's new book, American Rhapsody, features a final chapter narrated by Clinton's "talking penis" for which Bill Maher serves as the voice in the audio version.)
2000-06-30 Daily Update-01 © 2000
Genome research reveals Clinton's "talking penis." (a limerick)
In politics, Clinton's a genius--
a guy who's from Mars and not Venus
But genome research
reveals a strange quirk--
that he has a fast-talking penis.
© 2000 (Inspired by Drudge report on 06-30-00 that Joe Eszterhas's new book, American Rhapsody, features a final chapter narrated by Clinton's "talking penis" for which Bill Maher serves as the voice in the audio version.)
2000-06-29 Daily Update-01 © 2000
New I-R-S Heaven: Reform five-two-sevens. (a limerick)
"Reform" for the five-twenty-sevens
is really just aid and abettin'
for making a nest
to give I-R-S
more space in its Big Brother Heaven.
© 2000 (Inspired by 06-29-00 congressional passage of legislation to increase IRS authority over 527 organizations engaging in political speech.)
2000-06-28 Daily Update-01 © 2000
Adios to Elian (a set of limericks)
We know there are sad times in life
when something that's legal ain't right.
We owe toleration
but not celebration
when someone surrenders his rights.
'Though we are obliged to respect
Juan's right to refuse to defect,
We can't rejoice
at his lack of choice
to do what free men would think best.
2000-06-27 Daily Update-01 © 2000
Genome-Mapping Leads to Genetically-Improved Celebrity-Activists (a limericks)
An anti-gun theme Rosie touts
except for her guard when she's out.
The gene should come out
that teaches her how
to talk from both sides of her mouth.
© 2000 (more to come as more types of gene therapies become available).
2000-06-26 Daily Update-01 © 2000
Genome-Mapping Leads to Genetically-Improved Politicians (a set of limericks)
Since mapping the genome's complete,
our steps will become giant leaps.
The most urgent mission
is fix politicians
to stop them from being such creeps.
For Dubya, whose past was much juicier,
whom critics call dumber and snootier,
What to do first?
Get rid of the smirk--
then give him the gene to say "nuclear."
And what should we do with Al Gore,
the man with inventions galore?
To end his temptation
we'll splice-out the gene for Gore Lore.
And how can we stop John McCain
from singing the same old refrain?
A gene to unzip
his feelings of guilt
for riding the Keating-Five train.
And what about Patrick Buchannan,
whose mouth has become a loose cannon?
His genes are too straight
and now it's too late
to stop his crusade against Mammon.
And what about candidate Nader,
who thinks he is fighting Darth Vader?
His mental bionics
and world-savior complex
need transplanted genes from day-traders.
Ventura said in his next life,
a D-cup he'd be with delight.
To help him prepare,
we'll give him new hair
and boobies to make the cups tight.
2000-06-25 Daily Update-01. © 2000
The Road to Damascus.
For years we heard Nader and Gore
proposing that gas should cost more !
But now that it's high,
they suddenly cry
that surely the price should be lower !
So what is the reason that both
now say that the price should be low?
Of course it is rude
for us to conclude
they're simply competing for votes.
2000-06-24 Daily Update-01.
No Daily Update.
2000-06-23 Daily Update-01.
No Daily Update.
2000-06-22 Daily Update-01.
No Daily Updates.
2000-06-21 Daily Update-01 © 2000
Gasoline Prices: Gouging for Votes (a set of limericks)
Since gasoline prices have risen,
Al Gore takes a puzzling position.
His book said we need
high prices indeed
to save us from cars run by pistons.
Yet now he has started espousing
that high prices constitute gouging,
But it ain't the money,
it's who gets it, honey,
just "profits" not taxes are "gouging."
2000-06-20 Daily Update-01 © 2000
(British Telecom seeks royalties for hyperlink patent.)
British Empire reborn as British E-empire (a set of limericks).
The Twentieth Cent'ry's last half ...
saw Great Britain's Empire collapse
But now like a phoenix,
it rises to greet us
and subjugate us to a tax.
Of course, it's not really a tax--
just fees under patent-law acts.
You've prob'ly been thinking
was something that Al Gore begat,
But soon we will hear Gore admitting
that British chaps did the inventing.
Who now with great pluck
demand that so much
be paid to so few by so many !
2000-06-19 Daily Update-01 © 2000
Imus the ex-disk-jockey becomes a dissed-jockey. (a set of limericks)
We know Mother Nature abhors
two horses' rear-ends on a horse
When Imus was thrown,
the horse that he owns
was listening to Nature's own voice !
We hope he's surrounded by kindness
and hope that his treatment's the finest
Like all the rest,
we send him our best
and also best-wishes to Imus.
2000-06-18 Daily Update-01 © 2000
Happy Father's Day, Dad ! (a string of limericks)
On Father's Day I am so glad
to have time to be with my Dad.
His goal in life:
take care of his wife,
his daughter and knucklehead lad.
I'm proud to have sons of my own,
and both into good men have grown.
And my selfless Dad
has helped my two lads
when I came up short on my own.
And so there are no words to say
enough to my Dad on this day
To fully express
my love and respect and
honor his unselfish ways.
2000-06-17 Daily Update-01 © 2000
Elian's Father's Day Card to Castro plagiarizes Hitler-Youth Card to the Fuehrer . Some things are so self-evidently absurd that neither satire nor parody is needed illustrate such absurdity. Thus, Elian's Father's Day Card to Castro speaks for itself:
"On this Father's Day, we want to send an affectionate greeting, and a well-deserved kiss, to all of you, especially to one father whom we love dearly for his unrivaled teachings and his infinite love for us, our Commander-in-Chief... "
--This quotation is from Reuters/Excite report on 06-17-00 by Andrew Cawthorne.
2000-06-16 Daily Update-02 © 2000
Hard-drives found at Los Alamos (a set of limericks)
Bill Richardson said with relief,
the hard-drives are not with a thief
He says they were found
still-on secure ground,
and maybe that is his belief.
But PoliSat has a good source
as good as the mouth of the horse.
We know they were found
on far-away ground:
in toilets for tenants of Gore !
© 2000 (Inspired by: Fox News report on 06-16-00; See also WashPost/AP report on 06-16-00.)
2000-06-16 Daily Update-01 © 2000
Rat de jour-- a pita not sanctioned by PeTA (a set of limericks)
We've read there's a show called "Survivors"
that's out-rating most of its rivals
'Though I can't review it
'cause I haven't viewed it,
I know it deserves a high-5-er !
Of course it ain't La Dolce Vita
to eat a cooked rat in a pita,
But what is so good
about rat de jour?
It angers fanatics at PeTA !
© 2000 (Inspired by FoxNews report on 06-16-00 about the "Survivors" show participants eating rats.)
2000-06-15-00 Daily Update-01 © 2000
Bridging the Digital Divide, Part II (limericks) (Part I, click here.)
Both Clinton and Gore take great pride
in closing the digital divide
We know Foggy Bottom
has helped the downtrodden
by leaving their doors open wide.
But who has helped close it the most?
Those kind folks at Los Alamos!
They say to their guests,
"Please sample our best--
we hope you won't turn us to toast."
2000-06-14 Daily Update-01 © 2000
Headline: Women harassed and groped in Central Park--
Police question usual suspect, but Clinton claims to have rock-solid alibi.
2000-06-13 Daily Update-01 © 2000
Los Alamos hard-drives-- Where did they go? (limericks)
Los Alamos hard-drives are key
to stopping a Nuke-'Em-High spree.
So back in late April,
a Richardson cable
said keep 'em as safe as can be !
And what did they see as the danger?
A fire set by fed'ral park rangers.
'Cause ev'ryone knows
how strong the wind blows
except of course fed'ral park rangers.
And this gave the scientists jitters
'cause rangers just care about critters
So scientists hired
an expert on fire,
but sadly he was the low bidder.
To save things from fire on the way,
it's best to just move them away.
The next best protection
is water convection
for things that are not moved away.
And so the low-bidder proposed
to use not just one way but both
For safety through distance
and water resistance,
he code-named his plan "flush-and-go."
He stationed a worker beside
the room with the hard-drives inside
to be sure the drives would survive.
But on that poor worker's first day,
he heard the words "Fire's on the way!"
He thought it was real
and not just a drill,
and so he just flushed them away.
They searched for them thirty-some days
'til driven away by a blaze
Then there were leaks
that prospects were bleak
and searchers were panicked and dazed.
But miracles happen each day,
and now all the hard-drives are safe,
It's hard to believe,
but they were retrieved
from toilets at Al Gore Estates.
2000-06-12 Daily Update-01 © 2000 (limericks)
Al Gore's latest invention: The AlGoreMobile-- Al Gore uses his knowledge of science and politics to invent an innovative, environmentally friendly way to improve transportation while at the same time reducing hazardous dumps, dependence on foreign oil, fossil-fuel depletion, and poverty. Al Gore explains the inspiration for his latest invention:
Without even slight condescension,
I must say I make good inventions
And how do I do it?
There ain't nothin' to it,
'cause nothin' escapes my attention !
On learning my tenants' conditions
don't satisfy plumbing conventions
Since each time they flush,
they're wading in slush,
I thought of a brand-new invention.
I always stay right up to date
on ev'rything science can make
So I knew of course a new fuel source:
We now can refine human waste
And what gives my Green heart a thrill?
To get it we don't have to drill
My tenants can "go,"
then sell overflow,
and soon their accounts will be filled.
The profit we'll take from the till
to make a new automobile
Then we will hype a new prototype
and call it the AlGoreMobile
This auto will please the whole nation,
'cause no one will need service stations
And if you ask me
just how this can be,
I'll give you a quick explanation:
The obsolete gasoline tank
will yield to a nice septic tank
And old drivers' seats
become toilet seats
so drivers can fill their own tanks.
Of course there's a need for improvement,
and clearly it's in our behoovement
That models display
their mileage CAFE
at fifty-six miles to the movement !
For drivers a danger is plain:
To get extra mileage they'll strain
To them we'll repeat,
just be sure to eat
the foods with high fibre and grain.
© 2000 (Inspiration: 05-20-00 BBC report about scientists having discovered how to convert human waste into fossil fuel and a 06-06-00 FoxNews report about complaints by Gore's Tennessee tennants complaining about toilet backups in Gore's rental property; see also a Weekly Standard article on the same story.) (See also our 20000531-01 Daily Update and our 20000604-01 Daily Update.)
2000-06-11 Daily Update-01 © 2000
Reform rope-a-dope; free speech on the ropes (limericks)
Proponents of campaign "reform"
must think we were yesterday born.
We hear them insist
the laws that exist
have loopholes that must be reformed.
Whenever they pass more reform,
more business for lawyers is born.
more laws just beget
more lawyers in charge of our horns !
Since campaign "reform" was divined,
involvement by voters declined !
The legalese text
became too complex
on when, where and how to opine !
So what do "reformers" now preach?
That more laws will give us more speech !
But if that is done,
the lawyers become
the priests of political speech !
So what's their proposal this time
to stop the corruption and crime?
and just regulate
our property, money and time.
2000-06-10 Daily Update-01 © 2000
Reno's reprise: My agents said "Please"
when Elian Gonzales they seized (limericks)
When NBC's Tony Zumbado,
a cameraman full of bravado,
Was doing his best
to cover the quest
to capture Gonzales for Castro,
He entered the house of Gonzales
just seconds before Federallies.
Hoping to show
the way it would go,
he soon learned such effort was folly.
He witnessed the sights and the sounds
as into the house they did bound.
But just as he tried
to broadcast it live,
they cut-off his power and sound.
And now that he's read their description
of how they conducted their mission,
He says that they lied
in claiming they tried
to calmly induce his submission.
He says when he tried to stand up,
they knocked him right back on his butt,
Like thugs in Havana,
they trampled his camera
and kept him from getting back up!
© 2000 (Inspired by 06-09-00 Sun-Sentinal news report.)
2000-06-09 Daily Update-01 © 2000
F. Lee zings and OJ sings. (a limerick)
Now OJ is back in the news ...
complainin' and singin' the blues
Untruthful was he?
Or was it F. Lee?
They'll sell us some polygraph clues.
2000-06-08 Daily Update-01 © 2000
The High-Tech Awakening (a limerick)
Dick Holbrooke just told the U-N
"Computers need women not men."
So software conventions,
unlike farm inventions,
will not enslave women for men.
If you think that this is bizarre,
your thinking just ain't up to par.
So you must opine
that gals fell behind
'cause men surely had a head-start.
We must re-write hist'ry to better
accommodate feminist fretters:
When software took flight,
the men could touch-type,
but women were just hunt'n'peckers.
© 2000 (Inspired by a 06-07-00 Reuters/Excite news report that our UN Ambassador Richard Holbrook told a UN conference that women need to take-over high-tech industries so men can't use them to oppress women as he says was the case in the agricultural revolution when new farming inventions enabled farmers to enslave their wives.)
2000-06-07 Daily Update-01 © 2000
D-Day Plus One (a limerick)
The Seventh Day of June is a Day
to paraphrase Gage and just say:
I hate Reno-vation,
I need a vacation,
tell Canada I'm on the way.
© 2000 (Editor's Note: see also my original rhyme about Reno's anti-trust action against Microsoft, of which I'm no great fan, by the way, but I trust Microsoft a heck of a lot more than I trust federal bureaucrats.)
2000-06-06 Daily Update-01 © 2000
D-Day (a limerick)
The Sixth Day of June is a Day
to paraphrase Churchill and say:
If freedom is here
a thousand more years,
that still would be its finest day.
Like no day since freedom's beginning
was so much at risk for so many.
But they overcame
such terror and pain
to give freedom one more beginning.
2000-06-05 Daily Update-01 © 2000
We seize you! .
The agents who seized young Gonzales
have said it was no big tamale
So gentle they were,
you heard the cat purr,
and everyone loved the finale.
© 2000 (Inspiration: 06-05-00 news reports of INS Agent's versions of events during seizure of Elian.)
2000-06-04 Daily Update-01 © 2000
What's Behind the Green Gore? (a limerick "by" Al Gore)
Some bad news has come to the fore
disputing that I'm a Green Gore
But clearly it's false
to say it's my fault
or that I don't care for the poor.
My tenants have called me slum-Goring
and claim I invented slum-lording
They claim I don't care
and don't do repair
'cause rent-money I have been hording
I swear that I just didn't know
that each time my tenants would "go,"
They suffered in slush
'cause after each flush,
the toilet would soon overflow.
And then as though that ain't enough,
the cleanup was always so tough,
'Cause when they got up
to clean up the muck,
they found that the sink had backed up.
When E-P-A checked-out the lumps,
and OSHA examined their rumps,
The experts opined
that I should be fined
for causing such hazardous dumps.
© 2000 (Inspired by 06-04-00 FoxNews story about Gore's tenants accusing him of being a slumlord.)
2000-06-03 Daily Update-01 © 2000
No update today-- Renovation gliche.
2000-06-02 Daily Update-01 © 2000
Spending our wealth on our inner-selves (a limerick)
Al Gore says our nation of wealth
should cure us of bad mental health
and not charge a fee
to those with such needs
until they have no troubles left.
'Though he thinks we have enough wealth
to cure all that bad mental health.
Our surplus would fade
if government paid
the cost of the cure for himself.
© 2000 (Inspired by 05-31-00 FoxNews report on Gore's proposal to require insurers to provide for mental-health treatment.)
2000-06-01 Daily Update-01 © 2000
A vict'ry for fathers in general ...
but not for one ruled by a general (limericks)
Today's win for Miguel Gonzales ...
in one way's a vic'try for fathers.
The ruling on Elian
helps fathers in general
and seems to help Miguel Gonzales.
But under the laws of Fidel,
such rights are not treated so well,
And realists know
as soon as Juan goes
to Cuba those rights are Fidel's.
That Juan won't or can't demand rights ...
is not the worst thing from this fight,
'Cause what is most sad
is Elian's dad wants
brainwashing for his young tyke.
With techniques overt and subliminal,
his brainwashing's much more than minimal.
Surely by now,
he's had to learn how ...
to think his real mom was a criminal.
In olden days we'd not rejoice ...
at finding we just had one choice:
To send a young lad
back home with a dad
who'd make him a brown-shirted voice.
This page contains the Daily Updates for June, 2000. To go to our current Daily Updates, click here. To go to our Daily-Update Archives, click here.