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Political
Satire--Daily
Updates.
Archives
of Daily Updates for November, 1999:.
This
page contains updates for November,
1999. To go to the
current Daily Updates, click here;
to go to the Archives of Daily Updates, click here
1999-11-30
Daily Update-01
Goofing Off?? Not on
your life !
© 1999.
1999-11-25
Daily Update-01:
Thanksgiving Day-- The Still Before The Storm
When guys eat the turkey each year it's the same:
they'll doze-off from having too much triptophane.
TV's are showing those great football games,
but they won't be seen by those sleeping male brains.
For most women football's like dry land to fishes,
so most are just talking while cleaning the dishes.
Much turkey's been eaten but so much remains
that many more days we'll have turkey again.
All of us know that when Thanksgiving ends,
the battle in shopping-malls soon will begin.
Those who think football is such a rough sport
have seen nothing yet 'til malls open their doors.
There aren't any refs and there's no instant replay,
but shopping-gals eagerly join in the fray.
As shoppers the women all strive to score early,
but men put it off 'til they'll need a "Hail Mary."
So as we prepare for the season to come,
Thanksgiving's the still before the big storm.
But in this great country we all have to say,
we've much to say thanks for on Thanksgiving Day.
© 1999.
1999-11-24 Daily Update-01:
Alpha Gore's Billboard Score
That billboard's just meant to mislead
and tarnish me with his misdeeds.
He gave me a tug
and forced me to hug
before I had time to retreat.
© 1999.
1999-11-23 Daily Update-01:
Hillary's
Commitment: "I intend to run,
surely" (An example of Rodhamonyms--
i.e., Rodham's
Homonyms-- i.e., Rodham's version of Clinphonics.)
I
said, "I yen, tend, tour, unsurely,"
so why do folks treat me so
cruelly?
It must be that they
don't hear what I say
as I hold all
my options securely.
Why are there so many
turds,
who try to twist all of my
words?
I need a new honey
and want some more money,
but not a
dull place in the 'burbs.
© 1999.
1999-11-22 Daily Update-01:
John McCain says his brain is not
lame
Some people say that I'm crazy
and claim that my mind is quite hazy.
The only real time
that I've lost my mind
is talking to Imus who's spacey
© 1999
1999-11-21 Daily Update-01:
Ranger Gore's Army Drill Song:
Ranger Gore (GoreRanger) Sings
Echo
by GoreRangerettes
I don't know but I've been told
You
don't know but you've been told
Alpha Males are on a roll
Alpha
Males are on a roll
Wolfie Baby, please help me
Wolfie
Baby, please help you
Show the Alpha Male in Me
Show
the Alpha Male in you
Sound-off
Sound-off,
One, Two
Three,
Four
One, Two, Three, Four
One-Two...
Three-Four
Back when I was in my prime
Back
when you were in your prime
Canada was on my mind
Canada was
on your mind
I said Daddy please help me
You
said Daddy please help me
He said, Son, you cannot flee
He
said, Son, you cannot flee
Sound-off
Sound-off,
One, Two
Three,
Four
One, Two, Three, Four
One-Two...
Three-Four
He said fighting's not for me
You
said "Fighting's not for me"
Chairborne ranger I would be
Chairborne
ranger you would be
They gave me a Remington
They
gave you a Remington
Typewriter but not a gun
Typewriter
but not a gun
Chair-Borne
Chair-Borne,
Ranger
Ranger
Chair-Borne Ran-ger
Chairborne
... Ranger
That was many years ago
That
was many years ago
I thought no one else would know
You
thought no one else would know
My old buddies spilled the beans
Your
old buddies spilled the beans
Told the press I stayed real clean
Told
the press you stayed real clean
Chair-Borne
Chair-Borne,
Ranger
Ranger
Chair-Borne Ran-ger
Chairborne
... Ranger
Now they'll think that I'm like Bill
Now they'll think that you're like Bill
Hide behind the nearest hill
Hide
behind the nearest hill
It's not fair for me to lose
It's
not fair for you to lose
He's the one the intern blew
He's the
one the intern blew
Air-blown
Air-blown
Danger
Danger
Air-blown danger
Air-blown ...
Danger
What should I say to the press?
What
should you say to the press?
Save me from this awful mess
Save you
from this awful mess
Please Naomi do tell me
Please
Naomi do tell thee
How to get out of this tree
How to
get him from this tree
Dog in
Dog in
manger
manger
Dog in manger
Dog-in ...
manger
© 1999
1999-11-20
Daily Update-01:
Dubya's
Vulcans to replace Clinton's
Vulvans.
(Inspired by 11-19-99 ABC
news story that Dubya has "Vulcans" as foreign-policy advisers,
who, as all Trekkies know, are quite rational, logical and mature in their
thinking.)
The
Trekkies
will all be quite pleased
with Dubya's advisors
indeed.
Clinton picked Vulvans
but Dubya picked Vulcans
to help him
learn best how to lead.
Bill Clinton used
Vulvans like Sodom
but Bush will have
Vulcans get Saddam.
Clinton wants Vulvans
but Dubya wants Vulcans
to lift us back
up from the bottom.
The
Vulvan-Mind-Meld Came-A-Lot--
But Vulcans
are not hot to trot.
We know Traficant
will not have to chant
"please beam us
back up" Mr. Scott.
Bill Clinton had sex during missions,
but Bush has a
different vision.
The
"Mind Meld by Vulcans"
beats "Mine Held by Vulvans"
while
making deployment decisions.
© 1999
1999-11-19
Daily Update-01:
Look, Ma,
No Glands (re
Gary Bauer's ads with his Mom)
A tireless
campaigner named Gary
made too many voters feel wary.
To fix what was wrong
he recruited his Mom
to show folks
that he ain't so scary. His Mom made commercials for him
describing his vigor and vim.
Of course it's quite nice
and surely no vice
to be in your
mom's lap again.
to give gravitas if you're fluffy
©
1999
1999-11-18
Daily Update-01:
Dollar
Bill's Retroactive Health Care
A pregnant supporter
of mine
demanded more post-partum time.
She said-- in a phrase
--
she needed two days --
to make her child-bearing sublime.
I knew HMO's were unkind
but this was much more like a crime
And so two years later
as her legislator
I made things work backwards in time.
I crafted a law with
great care
that said HMO's were unfair.
And that is the way
that
I saved the day
with my retroactive health care
©
1999
1999-11-17 Daily Update-01:
The Tobacco War-- Where there's smoke, there's fire
Alpha
Gore attacks Bill Bradley's Joe Camel
While he masquerades
as old Dollar Bill,
his buddy, Joe Camel, is filling his till
So I, Alpha Gore,
remind
you once more:
"Tobacco's an evil that kills"
©
1999
Dollar
Bill attacks Alpha Gore's Marlboro Man
We know that Gore's trying
as hard as he can
to make folks perceive him as Alpha-Male Man.
He
swore-off tobacco
and said it's a "no-no"
then picked as his
trail-boss the Marlboro Man ©1999
1999-11-16 Daily Updat-01:
Jesse Jackson, Man of Action, For the Boys in
Illinois*
(Part 2)
The
hoodlums who started melees
while spectators watched football plays
Were trying to say,
"Just give us our way,
or breaking the law is okay."
The school-board's response was
severe:
suspending them all for two years.
Then Jesse came in
to pose as a friend
amidst all the boos and the jeers.
Responding to media flak,
the school-board then cut it in half
"That ain't enough,
it still is too tough"
said Jesse and all the riff-raff
The school-board told Jesse,
"Stay out,"
but he just continued to pout
They said "Don't come in,
just stay with your friends,"
but he said "You can't keep me out."
The school-board told Jesse that day
the hoodlums must still stay away.
Then he came to say,
"Just give me my way,
or breaking the law is okay."
© 1999*Poetic
license: pronounce the "s" in Illinois.)
1999-11-15 Daily Update-01
Mini-Bill Endorses Bradley
My real name, you know, is Bob Reich,
and short I may be, but I'm nice.
and I'm telling you
I'll give support to
the one who is double my height.
I know it may make Al Gore ill,
but I must support Dollar Bill
I know how to shoot
the political hoops.
My name will become "Mini-Bill."
© 1999
1999-11-14 Daily Update
Clintonian Fund Raising:
Pay or Get Off the Pot
While on the
political potty,
I had to get help from Riady
because I was stuck
in campaigning muck,
and found my supplies were quite spotty.
I'd run out of paper, and so,
I needed some more from Lippo
He sent me John Huang
and it wasn't long
before I was back on the go.
© 1999
1999-11-13 Daily Updat-10:
Hillary's Faux Pas
In
serving my country as Bill's diplomat,
I went to a speech by that Ms. Arafat.
Later I learned upon hearing the
news,
that she claimed that her people were gassed by the Jews.
And so that my silence to be misconstrued,
I'll tell you the facts from my own point of view.
In hearing the speech by Ms.
Arafat
directly behind her I dutilfully sat.
Her words were unclear 'tho' I listened intently,
so when she was through, I just hugged her so gently.
To tell you the truth-- I hate
to be crass--
but I thought she said that she had passed gas.
© 1999
1999-11-12 Daily Update-02:
Pat Buchannan and Lenora
Fulani join forces
in the Reform Party and sing their new campaign song:
"Let's Call the Whole Thing Morph !"
I've got the baiters ... you've got the hooters.
We're
haters, or hauters, or baiters or hooters.
Let's
call the whole thing morph !
Your old fascistos ... my manifestos.
I'm for
the preachers ... you're for the screechers.
Facistos,
mephistos, the preach-o's, the screech-o's,
Let's call the whole thing morph !
You like to seig heil ... I like to speak vile.
I'm
xenophobic .. you're paranoiac.
Xeno--
phobic --- para --- noiac.
Let's call the whole thing morph !
You call
me Honkey ...
you call me Darkie.
You call
me Cracker ... You
call me Blacker.
Honkey,
Darkie, Cracker, Blacker.
Let's call the whole thing morph !
© 1999.
1999-11-12 Daily Update-01
Donald Trump plays his
trump-card:
Confiscation for Ovations aka
Bread & Circuses
To win-over those who oppose trade that's free,
Buchannan can't out-pander me.
Most folks succumb to the power of envy,
and that's why class-warfare is always
so trendy.
To entice folks away from the pitchfork brigade,
I'll pick
on the rich of whom they're afraid.
The fact that I'm rich won't matter to them--
it's whom I attack that's
important, my friend.
They don't know better -- on that you can bet --
so I'll
blame the rich for the national debt.
They'll think that I'm good -- like old Robbin' Hood --
if they had the chance they'd
take all they could.
The pitchfork brigade will think I'm a honey
when I buy
their votes with other folks' money.
To capture the votes of those stuck in the dregs,
I'll give them the goose not just more golden eggs.
© 1999
1999-11-11 Daily Update-01:
Jesse Jackson rhymes with action for the boys in
Illinois*
(Suspension-from-school controversy in Decatur,
Illinois, 11-10-99)
I'm here in Decatur
to challenge Darth Vader
for
being so mean to these kids
They didn't use guns
or stab peoples' buns --
and nobody claims that they did
So what if they're gangsters,
just treat 'em like pranksters
and maybe they'll
stop picking fights
Just be like a geek,
keep turning your cheek
you mustn't infringe on
their rights
They're only rambunctious
so don't call me unctuous
for
being here with them today
They're surely no worse
than ice-hockey jerks
who only lose minutes from play
Just let 'em back in
the school-house again ...
they'll promise no riots or
fights
They'll work on their studies,
then play with their buddies
in basketball
games at midnight
© 1999 *apply poetic
license-- pronounce the "s" in Illinois
1999-11-10 Daily Update-01:
Lost file.
1999-11-09 Daily Update-01:
The Longest Floating Campaign
As Campaign 2000 gets going,
political seeds they are sowing.
It's never surprising
to see hot air rising
as soon as the blowhards start
blowing.
It's said that the cream of the crop
will always float right to the top.
That's just an old saying,
a yarn that is fraying--
we see something else at the top.
Sometimes it's found in a moat
and often's a word in a joke.
Our tempers are fraying,
the word we ain't saying
but it sure as heck ain't a boat
© 1999
1999-11-08 Daily Update-01:
Boomer's Lament about Disney, whose new theme is:
"We Will Dish Upon You Tar."
(Re previously undisclosed FBI notes indicating --
contrary to implications of Disney's new movie, The Insider, about a
tobacco-company "whistle-blower" -- the "whistle blower"
fabricated claims of tobacco-company threats on his life-- See Bloomberg News
Service, Nov. 8, 1999)
As children in the Fifties,
we loved the Mouseketeers
We watched them ev'ry day, you know,
and laughed ourselves to tears.
Walt Disney was our idol
who always stood for right
Except when telling fairy tales,
he kept the truth in sight.
Then long ago he passed away
and others took the helm.
We'd trusted him from stem to stern
but ain't so sure of them.
Dramatic license can be used
to illustrate the facts,
but not to libel decent folks
with untrue smears by hacks.
It's true that cigarette execs
have earned our boos not
cheers.
But Disney's movie libels
them with propaganda smears.
They don't deserve to be portrayed
as members of the mob.
Especially by a guy they fired
from his tobacco job.
Their movie called "Insider"
implies that they
hired goons.
To threaten the "Insider's" life
unless he changed his tune.
Like baseball fans of long ago
who loved old Shoeless Joe,
We look at Disney now and say,
"Please tell us it ain't so!"
©
1999
1999-11-07 Daily Update-01:
The Ballad of Bill Gates
(in
the wake of findings in anti-trust case on 11-05-99)
Remember how short was our reach
back when computers were
only for geeks?
Although they seemed to be smart
to use them was hard
except for computer-like
freaks.
A drop-out from college
who had lots of knowlege --
determined and quite
resolute--
created a way
to make it like play
for everyone else to compute.
He made a computer-like house
to hold an electronic mouse.
To help all us bimbos
he created Windows
for us to see into that house.
This made it quite easy
for those who'd felt queasy
when trying to use a computer.
It made us quite eager
to work like a beaver
'cause all of our fears had been
neutered.
During that time IBM
found itself forced to defend.
A government charge
that it was so large
competitors couldn't get in.
During that case
the competitive race
soon proved that the gov'ment was wrong.
Competitors flourished,
computers were nourished
and soon could be bought for
a song.
Meanwhile the dropout named Gates
continued to lower his
rates.
His business exploded
while others imploded
and tried to blame him for their
fate.
And like IBM
he was forced defend
the charge that he'd gotten too big.
The competitive race
increases it pace
while he's in the anti-trust brig.
So what is the moral
of this software quarrel?
It's great to be good
but if you're too good
you'll face the wrong end
of a barrel.
The free-market works
'til government jerks
decide they can make it work
better.
Tha'ts when we see
the farce it can be
when government's like the Mad
Hatter
© 1999.
1999-11-06 Daily Update-01:
Clinton's Oslo Rendition of
"Searching"
(on
11-4-99 during trip to Oslo )
Well now if I have to go to Oslo, you know I will
And if I have to scour the country, you know I will
And if she says she can't remember her old friend Bill
I'm gonna find her, babe, you kno-oo-oo-oow I will
Cause I've been searching, oh yeah, searching
My agents, searching ev'ry wa-aa-aay yea, yea
But I'm like an Oslo Mountie,
You know I'll bring her in some day. Gonna find her ...
Gonna find her
... Gonna find her.
© 1999
1999-11-05 Daily Update-02.
© 1999
Naomi Wolf morphs Al Gore into Alpha
Gore
Folks checking on this lone-Wolf's trail
say Al Gore paid me over scale.
He pleaded with me not to fail
in changing him into an Alpha Male.
So I will admit that I used all my wiles
in teaching Al Gore the best way to smile.
I worked with him a little while
to show him how to dress in style.
He has such fam'ly-man appeal
he's not the type to make
girls squeal.
But when he learns their pain to feel
I'm sure they all will want to kneel
And I can teach him how to show
the darker side they want to know.
When I am done you all will know
I've shown him how to make them glow.
© 1999
1999-11-05 Daily Update-01.
© 1999
George W. Bush Plays Flubble Jeopardy
Now that
you're among the pros
you get the thorns not
just the rose.
The category that you chose
is foreign and domestic foes.
The guy with nukes, the "General, man,"
is not
correct for Pakistan.
The North Korean leader's name
is not "That guy who is insane."
The head of Russia's Commonwealth
is not "That guy
who's in bad health."
You're going to have to take your lumps--
the next one's even known by Trump.
The leader of those folks in France
is not named Mr.
Fancy Pants.
© 1999
1999-11-04 Daily Update-01:
Hillary's Long-Lost Lover
(Inspired by reports purporting to identify her
pre-Clinton lover)
Long ago when I was young
my lover was an
Irish-man.
We'd stroll together arm-in-arm
and then we'd
frolick in a barn.
It might have been a chicken-coop
'cause we kept finding chicken poop.
It was such fun to frolick there
'til chicken
poop got in our hair.
But in the barn was only par--
the greatest fun was in the car.
If only he had been ambitious,
I'd have gladly
been his "Mrs."
Since it wasn't his intent
to grow up to be President,
I had to find another shill
and so I hitched my
star to Bill.
Even though he was a rooster,
he also was a great
self-booster.
I knew that he'd be President,
so to the barn with him I went.
Even though he was a jerk
by making me do all the work,
I didn't mind the time in bed --
he needed help to get ahead.
I toughed it out for many years
but never got to hold
his ears.
I had to let him fool around
as long as we were gaining ground.
Attorney General he became
as we began our ride to fame.
And then he got elected Gov'nor
and got more gals to give him hummers.
When he became our president,
Paula said his part was
bent.
But he refused to take the bait
to prove to us
his part was straight.
And with this controversy growing,
Lewinski came and kept on blowing.
He managed to escape Starr's lair
by claiming
that it wasn't fair ...
to criticize philandering by
one who can't control his thing.
So by his side I always stood
as poster-girl for
victimhood.
And now it's I who reach for power
while he's in his eleventh hour.
And when the sun has set on Bill,
I'll have my
power on the hill.
Then I can share my wit and charm
with my first lover in that barn.
© 1999
1999-11-03 Daily Update-01: .
She-Wolf Changes Beta Gore to Alpha Gore
As VP I'm sure I've been greater
than he who
had misspelled potatoe.
I have all the data
to prove I've been greater
but soccer moms think I'm a
beta
So how can I get them to see
the alpha male hidden in me?
I'm wearing Old Spice,
but need some advice
from someone who thinks like a "she."
I don't know how
I'm seen as a cow
when I should be seen as a bull.
But I've fixed it now
'cause soon I'll learn how
with help from a feminine Wolf.
© 1999
1999-11-02 Daily Update-01:
Donald Trump says Viva
La France:
Everyone knows I like women--
in that way I'm just like the
French
As lovers they're great
as a sub for your mate.
As allies? They stay on the
bench
© 1999 (Inspired by
Trump's disparaging remarks characterizing the French as undependable allies.)
1999-11-01 Daily Update-01:
Dubya & the Garbage Truck (11-1-99
incident: out-of-control garbage truck almost hit Dubya while he was jogging)
At me much garbage has been thrown
and many rumors have been sown.
I've weathered them with lots of pluck,
but now they send a garbage truck !
But as a runner I ain't slow --
I jumped aside in time, you know.
And now they know that I'll keep running
even though attacks keep coming.
And in the face of raking, mucking,
it's for sure I'll keep on trucking.
© 1999
.
This
page contains updates for November,
1999. To go to the
current Daily Updates, click here;
to go to the Archives of Daily Updates, click here
