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Political Satire--Daily Updates.

Archives of Daily Updates for November, 1999:.
This page contains updates for November, 1999.  To go to the current Daily Updates, click here; to go to the Archives of Daily Updates, click here

1999-11-30 Daily Update-01
Goofing Off??  Not on your life !
© 1999.

1999-11-25 Daily Update-01:
Thanksgiving Day-- The Still Before The Storm
    When guys eat the turkey each year it's the same: 
    they'll doze-off from having too much triptophane.

    TV's are showing those great football games, 
    but they won't be seen by those sleeping male brains.
    For most women football's like dry land to fishes, 
    so most are just talking while cleaning the dishes.

    Much turkey's been eaten but so much remains 
    that many more days we'll have turkey again.
    All of us know that when Thanksgiving ends, 
    the battle in shopping-malls soon will begin.

    Those who think football is such a rough sport 
    have seen nothing yet 'til malls open their doors.
    There aren't any refs and there's no instant replay, 
    but shopping-gals eagerly join in the fray.

    As shoppers the women all strive to score early, 
    but men put it off 'til they'll need a "Hail Mary."
    So as we prepare for the season to come, 
    Thanksgiving's the still before the big storm.

    But in this great country we all have to say, 
    we've much to say thanks for on Thanksgiving Day.
© 1999.

1999-11-24 Daily Update-01:

Alpha Gore's Billboard Score
    That billboard's just meant to mislead 
    and tarnish me with his misdeeds.
    He gave me a tug 
    and forced me to hug 
    before I had time to retreat. 

© 1999.

1999-11-23 Daily Update-01:

Hillary's Commitment:  "I intend to run, surely"  (An example of Rodhamonyms-- i.e., Rodham's Homonyms-- i.e., Rodham's version of Clinphonics.)
    I said, "I yen, tend, tour, unsurely," 
    so why do folks treat me so cruelly?

    It must be that they 
    don't hear what I say 
    as I hold all my options securely.

    Why are there so many turds, 
    who try to twist all of my words?
    I need a new honey 
    and want some more money, 
    but not a dull place in the 'burbs. 

© 1999

1999-11-22 Daily Update-01:
John McCain says his brain is not lame
    Some people say that I'm crazy 
    and claim that my mind is quite hazy.
    The only real time 
    that I've lost my mind 
    is talking to Imus who's spacey 
© 1999

1999-11-21 Daily Update-01:
Ranger Gore's Army Drill Song:

    Ranger Gore (GoreRanger) Sings
        Echo by GoreRangerettes

    I don't know but I've been told
        You don't know but you've been told
    Alpha Males are on a roll
        Alpha Males are on a roll
    Wolfie Baby, please help me
        Wolfie Baby, please help you
    Show the Alpha Male in Me
        Show the Alpha Male in you
    One, Two
        Three, Four
    One, Two, Three, Four
        One-Two... Three-Four
    Back when I was in my prime
        Back when you were in your prime
    Canada was on my mind
        Canada was on your mind
    I said Daddy please help me
        You said Daddy please help me
    He said, Son, you cannot flee
        He said, Son, you cannot flee
    One, Two
        Three, Four
    One, Two, Three, Four
        One-Two... Three-Four
    He said fighting's not for me
        You said "Fighting's not for me"
    Chairborne ranger I would be
        Chairborne ranger you would be
    They gave me a Remington
        They gave you a Remington
    Typewriter but not a gun
        Typewriter but not a gun
    Chair-Borne Ran-ger
        Chairborne ... Ranger
    That was many years ago
        That was many years ago
    I thought no one else would know
        You thought no one else would know
    My old buddies spilled the beans
        Your old buddies spilled the beans
    Told the press I stayed real clean
        Told the press you stayed real clean
    Chair-Borne Ran-ger
        Chairborne ... Ranger
    Now they'll think that I'm like Bill
        Now they'll think that you're like Bill
    Hide behind the nearest hill
        Hide behind the nearest hill
    It's not fair for me to lose
        It's not fair for you to lose
    He's the one the intern blew
        He's the one the intern blew
    Air-blown danger
        Air-blown ...  Danger
    What should I say to the press?
        What should you say to the press?
    Save me from this awful mess
        Save you from this awful mess
    Please Naomi do tell me
        Please Naomi do tell thee
    How to get out of this tree
        How to get him from this tree
    Dog in
        Dog in
    Dog in manger
        Dog-in ...  manger
© 1999

1999-11-20 Daily Update-01:
Dubya's Vulcans to replace Clinton's Vulvans
(Inspired by 11-19-99 ABC news story that Dubya has "Vulcans" as foreign-policy advisers, who, as all Trekkies know, are quite rational, logical and mature in their thinking.)

    The Trekkies will all be quite pleased 
    with Dubya's advisors indeed.
    Clinton picked
    but Dubya picked
    to help him learn best how to lead.
    Bill Clinton used Vulvans like Sodom 
    but Bush will have
Vulcans get Saddam.
    Clinton wants
    but Dubya wants
    to lift us back up from the bottom.

Vulvan-Mind-Meld Came-A-Lot-- 
Vulcans are not hot to trot.
    We know Traficant 
    will not have to chant 
    "please beam us back up"  Mr. Scott.
    Bill Clinton had sex during missions, 
    but Bush has a different vision.
    The "Mind Meld by
    beats "Mine Held by
    while making deployment decisions.

© 1999

1999-11-19 Daily Update-01:
Look, Ma, No Glands (re Gary Bauer's ads with his Mom)
A tireless campaigner named Gary 
    made too many voters feel wary
    To fix what was wrong 
    he recruited his Mom 
show folks that he ain't so scary.
    His Mom made commercials for him 
    describing his vigor and vim.
    Of course it's quite nice 
    and surely no vice 
    to be in your mom's lap again.

to give gravitas if you're fluffy  
© 1999

1999-11-18 Daily Update-01:
Dollar Bill's Retroactive Health Care
    A pregnant supporter of mine 
    demanded more post-partum time.
    She said-- in a phrase -- 
    she needed two days -- 
    to make her child-bearing sublime.
    I knew HMO's were unkind 
    but this was much more like a crime
    And so two years later 
    as her legislator 
    I made things work backwards in time.

    I crafted a law with great care 
    that said HMO's were unfair.
    And that is the way 
    that I saved the day 
    with my retroactive health care
© 1999

1999-11-17 Daily Update-01:
The Tobacco War-- Where there's smoke, there's fire
    Alpha Gore attacks Bill Bradley's Joe Camel

    While he masquerades as old Dollar Bill, 
    his buddy, Joe Camel, is filling his till 
    So I, Alpha Gore, 
    remind you once more:
    "Tobacco's an evil that kills"  © 1999
    Dollar Bill attacks Alpha Gore's Marlboro Man
    We know that Gore's trying as hard as he can 
    to make folks perceive him as Alpha-Male Man.
    He swore-off tobacco 
    and said it's a "no-no" 
    then picked as his trail-boss the Marlboro Man ©1999

1999-11-16 Daily Updat
Jesse Jackson, Man of Action, For the Boys in Illinois*
(Part 2)
    The hoodlums who started melees 
    while spectators watched football plays
    Were trying to say, 
    "Just give us our way, 
    or breaking the law is okay."
    The school-board's response was severe:  
    suspending them all for two years.
    Then Jesse came in 
    to pose as a friend 
    amidst all the boos and the jeers.

    Responding to media flak, 
    the school-board then cut it in half
    "That ain't enough, 
    it still is too tough"
    said Jesse and all the riff-raff
    The school-board told Jesse, "Stay out," 
    but he just continued to pout
    They said "Don't come in, 
    just stay with your friends," 
    but he said "You can't keep me out."

    The school-board told Jesse that day 
    the hoodlums must still stay away.
    Then he came to say,  
    "Just give me my way, 
    or breaking the law is okay." 
© 1999
*Poetic license: pronounce the "s" in Illinois.)

1999-11-15 Daily Update-01
Mini-Bill Endorses Bradley
My real name, you know, is Bob Reich, 
    and short I may be, but I'm nice.
    and I'm telling you
    I'll give support to 
    the one who is double my height.
    I know it may make Al Gore ill, 
    but I must support Dollar Bill
    I know how to shoot 
    the political hoops. 
    My name will become "Mini-Bill."
© 1999

1999-11-14 Daily Update
Clintonian Fund Raising:  Pay or Get Off the Pot
    While on the political potty, 
    I had to get help from Riady
    because I was stuck
    in campaigning muck,
    and found my supplies were quite spotty.
    I'd run out of paper, and so, 
    I needed some more from Lippo
    He sent me John Huang 
    and it wasn't long 
    before I was back on the go.
© 1999

1999-11-13 Daily Updat-10:
Hillary's Faux Pas
    In serving my country as Bill's diplomat,
    I went to a speech by that Ms. Arafat.
    Later I learned upon hearing the news,
    that she claimed that her people were gassed by the Jews.

    And so that my silence to be misconstrued, 
    I'll tell you the facts from my own point of view.
    In hearing the speech by Ms. Arafat 
    directly behind her I dutilfully sat.

    Her words were unclear 'tho' I listened intently, 
    so when she was through, I just hugged her so gently.
    To tell you the truth-- I hate to be crass-- 
    but I thought she said that she had passed gas.

© 1999

1999-11-12 Daily Update-02:
Pat Buchannan and Lenora Fulani join forces in the Reform Party and sing their new campaign song:
    "Let's Call the Whole Thing Morph !"

    I've got the baiters ... you've got the hooters.
    We're haters, or hauters, or  baiters or hooters.
    Let's call the whole thing morph !
    Your old fascistos ... my manifestos.
    I'm for the preachers ... you're for the screechers.
    Facistos, mephistos, the preach-o's, the screech-o's,
    Let's call the whole thing morph !

    You like to seig heil ... I like to speak vile.
    I'm xenophobic .. you're paranoiac.
    Xeno-- phobic --- para --- noiac.
    Let's call the whole thing morph !

    You call me Honkey ... you call me Darkie.
    You call me Cracker ... You call me Blacker.
    Honkey, Darkie, Cracker, Blacker.
    Let's call the whole thing morph !
© 1999.

1999-11-12 Daily Update-01
Donald Trump plays his trump-card:  
Confiscation for Ovations
aka Bread & Circuses

    To win-over those who oppose trade that's free, 
    Buchannan can't out-pander me.
    Most folks succumb to the power of envy, 
    and that's why class-warfare is always so trendy.

    To entice folks away from the pitchfork brigade, 
    I'll pick on the rich of whom they're afraid.
    The fact that I'm rich won't matter to them-- 
    it's whom I attack that's important, my friend.

    They don't know better -- on that you can bet -- 
    so I'll blame the rich for the national debt.
    They'll think that I'm good -- like old Robbin' Hood -- 
    if they had the chance they'd take all they could.

    The pitchfork brigade will think I'm a honey 
    when I buy their votes with other folks' money.
    To capture the votes of those stuck in the dregs, 
    I'll give them the goose not just more golden eggs. 

© 1999

1999-11-11 Daily Update-01:
Jesse Jackson rhymes with action for the boys in Illinois*

(Suspension-from-school controversy in Decatur, Illinois, 11-10-99) 
    I'm here in Decatur 
    to challenge Darth Vader 
    for being so mean to these kids
    They didn't use guns 
    or stab peoples' buns -- 
    and nobody claims that they did
    So what if they're gangsters, 
    just treat 'em like pranksters 
    and maybe they'll stop picking fights
    Just be like a geek, 
    keep turning your cheek 
    you mustn't infringe on their rights

    They're only rambunctious 
    so don't call me unctuous 
    for being here with them today
    They're surely no worse 
    than ice-hockey jerks
    who only lose minutes from play
    Just let 'em back in
    the school-house again ... 
    they'll promise no riots or fights
    They'll work on their studies, 
    then play with their buddies 
    in basketball games at midnight
© 1999
*apply poetic license-- pronounce the "s" in Illinois

1999-11-10 Daily Update-01:
Lost file.

1999-11-09 Daily Update-01:
The Longest Floating Campaign
As Campaign 2000 gets going, 
    political seeds they are sowing.
    It's never surprising 
    to see hot air rising 
    as soon as the blowhards start blowing.
    It's said that the cream of the crop 
    will always float right to the top.
    That's just an old saying, 
    a yarn that is fraying--
    we see something else at the top.

    Sometimes it's found in a moat 
    and often's a word in a joke.
    Our tempers are fraying, 
    the word we ain't saying 
    but it sure as heck ain't a boat 
© 1999

1999-11-08 Daily Update-01:
Boomer's Lament about Disney, whose new theme is:
"We Will Dish Upon You Tar."

(Re previously undisclosed FBI notes indicating -- contrary to implications of Disney's new movie, The Insider, about a tobacco-company "whistle-blower" -- the "whistle blower" fabricated claims of tobacco-company threats on his life-- See Bloomberg News Service, Nov. 8, 1999)

    As children in the Fifties, 
    we loved the Mouseketeers
    We watched them ev'ry day, you know, 
    and laughed ourselves to tears.
    Walt Disney was our idol 
    who always stood for right
    Except when telling fairy tales, 
    he kept the truth in sight.

    Then long ago he passed away 
    and others took the helm.
    We'd trusted him from stem to stern 
    but ain't so sure of them.
    Dramatic license can be used 
    to illustrate the facts,
    but not to libel decent folks 
    with untrue smears by hacks.

    It's true that cigarette execs 
    have earned our boos not cheers.
    But Disney's movie libels 
    them with propaganda smears.
    They don't deserve to be portrayed 
    as members of the mob.
    Especially by a guy they fired 
    from his tobacco job.

    Their movie called "Insider" 
    implies that they hired goons.
    To threaten the "Insider's" life 
    unless he changed his tune.
    Like baseball fans of long ago 
    who loved old Shoeless Joe,
    We look at Disney now and say, 
    "Please tell us it ain't so!" 

© 1999

1999-11-07 Daily Update-01:
The Ballad of Bill Gates 
(in the wake of findings in anti-trust case on 11-05-99)

Remember how short was our reach 
    back when computers were only for geeks?
    Although they seemed to be smart 
    to use them was hard 
    except for computer-like freaks.
    A drop-out from college 
    who had lots of knowlege --
    determined and quite resolute--
    created a way 
    to make it like play 
    for everyone else to compute.

    He made a computer-like house 
    to hold an electronic mouse.
    To help all us bimbos 
    he created Windows 
    for us to see into that house.
    This made it quite easy 
    for those who'd felt queasy 
    when trying to use a computer.
    It made us quite eager 
    to work like a beaver 
    'cause all of our fears had been neutered.

    During that time IBM 
    found itself forced to defend.
    A government charge 
    that it was so large 
    competitors couldn't get in.
    During that case 
    the competitive race 
    soon proved that the gov'ment was wrong.
    Competitors flourished, 
    computers were nourished 
    and soon could be bought for a song.

    Meanwhile the dropout named Gates
    continued to lower his rates.
    His business exploded 
    while others imploded 
    and tried to blame him for their fate.
    And like IBM 
    he was forced defend 
    the charge that he'd gotten too big.
    The competitive race 
    increases it pace 
    while he's in the anti-trust brig.

    So what is the moral 
    of this software quarrel?
    It's great to be good 
    but if you're too good 
    you'll face the wrong end of a barrel.
    The free-market works 
    'til government jerks 
    decide they can make it work better.
    Tha'ts when we see 
    the farce it can be 
    when government's like the Mad Hatter 

© 1999.

1999-11-06 Daily Update-01:
Clinton's Oslo Rendition of "Searching" 
(on 11-4-99 during trip to Oslo )
Well now if I have to go to Oslo, you know I will
    And if I have to scour the country, you know I will
    And if she says she can't remember her old friend Bill
    I'm gonna find her, babe, you kno-oo-oo-oow I will
    Cause I've been searching, oh yeah, searching
    My agents, searching ev'ry wa-aa-aay yea, yea
    But I'm like an Oslo Mountie,
    You know I'll bring her in some day.  Gonna find her ... 
    Gonna     find her ... Gonna find her. 
© 1999

1999-11-05 Daily Update-02. © 1999
Naomi Wolf morphs Al Gore into Alpha Gore
    Folks checking on this lone-Wolf's trail 
    say Al Gore paid me over scale.
    He pleaded with me not to fail 
    in changing him into an Alpha Male.
    So I will admit that I used all my wiles 
    in teaching Al Gore the best way to smile.
    I worked with him a little while 
    to show him how to dress in style.
    He has such fam'ly-man appeal 
    he's not the type to make girls squeal.
    But when he learns their pain to feel 
    I'm sure they all will want to kneel
    And I can teach him how to show 
    the darker side they want to know.
    When I am done you all will know 
    I've shown him how to make them glow.
© 1999

1999-11-05 Daily Update-01. © 1999
George W. Bush Plays Flubble Jeopardy
    Now that you're among the pros 
    you get the thorns not just the rose.
    The category that you chose 
    is foreign and domestic foes.

    The guy with nukes, the "General, man,"
    is not correct for Pakistan.
    The North Korean leader's name 
    is not "That guy who is insane."

    The head of Russia's Commonwealth 
    is not "That guy who's in bad health."
    You're going to have to take your lumps-- 
    the next one's even known by Trump.

    The leader of those folks in France 
    is not named Mr. Fancy Pants.  
© 1999

1999-11-04 Daily Update-01:
Hillary's Long-Lost Lover
(Inspired by reports purporting to identify her pre-Clinton lover)
    Long ago when I was young
    my lover was an Irish-man.
    We'd stroll together arm-in-arm
    and then we'd frolick in a barn.

    It might have been a chicken-coop 
    'cause we kept finding chicken poop.
    It was such fun to frolick there 
    'til chicken poop got in our hair.

    But in the barn was only par-- 
    the greatest fun was in the car.
    If only he had been ambitious, 
    I'd have gladly been his "Mrs."

    Since it wasn't his intent 
    to grow up to be President,
    I had to find another shill 
    and so I hitched my star to Bill.

    Even though he was a rooster, 
    he also was a great self-booster.
    I knew that he'd be President,
    so to the barn with him I went.

    Even though he was a jerk 
    by making me do all the work,
    I didn't mind the time in bed -- 
    he needed help to get ahead.

    I toughed it out for many years 
    but never got to hold his ears.
    I had to let him fool around 
    as long as we were gaining ground.

    Attorney General he became 
    as we began our ride to fame.
    And then he got elected Gov'nor 
    and got more gals to give him hummers.

    When he became our president, 
    Paula said his part was bent.
    But he refused to take the bait 
    to prove to us his part was straight.

    And with this controversy growing, 
    Lewinski came and kept on blowing.
    He managed to escape Starr's lair 
    by claiming that it wasn't fair ...
    to criticize philandering by 
    one who can't control his thing.
    So by his side I always stood 
    as poster-girl for victimhood.

    And now it's I who reach for power 
    while he's in his eleventh hour.
    And when the sun has set on Bill, 
    I'll have my power on the hill.

    Then I can share my wit and charm 
    with my first lover in that barn.
© 1999

1999-11-03 Daily Update-01: .
She-Wolf Changes Beta Gore to Alpha Gore
    As VP I'm sure I've been greater 
    than he who had misspelled potatoe.
    I have all the data 
    to prove I've been greater 
    but soccer moms think I'm a beta
    So how can I get them to see 
    the alpha male hidden in me?
    I'm wearing Old Spice, 
    but need some advice 
    from someone who thinks like a "she."

    I don't know how 
    I'm seen as a cow 
    when I should be seen as a bull.
    But I've fixed it now 
    'cause soon I'll learn how 
    with help from a feminine Wolf. 
© 1999

1999-11-02 Daily Update-01:
Donald Trump says Viva La France:
Everyone knows I like women-- 
    in that way I'm just like the French
    As lovers they're great 
    as a sub for your mate. 
    As allies?  They stay on the bench 
© 1999 (
Inspired by Trump's disparaging remarks characterizing the French as undependable allies.)

1999-11-01 Daily Update-01:
Dubya & the Garbage Truck (11-1-99 incident: out-of-control garbage truck almost hit Dubya while he was jogging)
    At me much garbage has been thrown 
    and many rumors have been sown.
    I've weathered them with lots of pluck, 
    but now they send a garbage truck !
    But as a runner I ain't slow --  
    I jumped aside in time, you know.
    And now they know that I'll keep running 
    even though attacks keep coming.
    And in the face of raking, mucking, 
    it's for sure I'll keep on trucking.
  © 1999

This page contains updates for November, 1999.  To go to the current Daily Updates, click here; to go to the Archives of Daily Updates, click here