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Political
Satire Daily
Updates.©2000
Archives of Daily Updates
for March, 2000:.
This
page contains Daily Updates for March,
2000. To go to our current
Daily Update Page, click here. To go to our Archives
of Daily Updates, click here..
2000-03-31 Daily Update-01
© 2000
When Generals Grope
Generals
(a limerick)
(See 03-31-00
FoxNews report: Gen. Claudia Kennedy says a general groped her)
Each time that a grunt gropes
a dame,
his chain of command gets the blame ...
With claims that it shows
they're just not gung-ho
in teaching respect t'wards
the dames.
However, it's too much to hope,
when generals by generals are groped
that those who just blame
those high in the chain
will focus on Slick Willie's
gropes.
Those same folks had called
it a reach,
when Congressmen said, "Let's impeach."
Apparently they
must think it's okay
when gals are impaled by the Chief.
© 2000.
2000-03-30 Daily Update-01 © 2000
Nekkid Dancers
(03-29-00 Supreme Court ruling upholding ordinance requiring pasties &
g-string)
The Supreme Court now says it's too racey
to dance without g-string and pasties.
Put pasties on top
and cover that spot
and now you are dressed like a lady
© 2000
2000-03-29 Daily Update-01
© 2000
Prominent law-breaker
urges others to obey the law re Elian Gonzales on 03-29-00.
To those helping Elian Gonzales,
Bill Clinton proclaimed, "Don't be
lawless."
Of course that is right,
but in his own
plight,
he knowingly testified falsely
© 2000
2000-03-28 Daily Update-01
© 2000
Campaign Finance
"Reform" to protect "ordinary" Americans from the
"special interests" of wealthy fat-cats:
If contributions by "wealthy fat-cats" constitute "special
interests" harming "ordinary" people, how come the current tax
laws force the top 5% of income earners to pay more than 50% of the government's
income-tax revenue? How come those "ordinary" Americans in the
bottom 50% income-level pay less than 5% of the total income-tax revenue?
The real
"special interests" are those "ordinary" Americans paying
less than 5% of the income taxes continuing to vote for politicians promising to
have the government give them more by taking more from the "wealthy
fat-cats" supposedly "controlling" the politicians. Such
patently Orwellian language could only be understood on the Animal
Farm. © 2000
2000-03-27 Daily Update- 01
© 2000
Let Me Into the Gold Rush
(tune of Take Me Out to the Ball Game)
(Re:
multi-million-dollars punitive-damages award against "Big Tobacco"--
FoxNews 03-27-00)
Let me into the Gold Rush,
I can claim victimhood
I shouldn't have to use common sense,
just give me all those dollars and cents
So it's sue, sue, sue Big Tobacco,
if I don't win it's a shame
And just give those big-bucks to me,
I accept no blame.
© 2000
2000-03-26 Daily Update-01
© 2000
Coming Tonight: The
Animal-Farm Awards..
What a paradox is the entertainment industry. The dominant figures in the entertainment industry
("super-stars," producers, directors, and investors) are among the
most successful capitalists in the world, yet the cultural, political and
economic views they promote are so starkly statist and anti-capitalistic.
Today, it will be almost impossible to find any "news" program not
focusing on speculations and stories about the Academy Awards as though such
event were important. Unfortunately, the fact that such an overwhelming
majority of people are so enthralled by such frivolity is what creates the
artificial "importance" of such event. Driven by an almost
desperate craving to somehow "connect" with those who have the power
of celebrity, millions upon millions of people will worship at this false altar
and unwittingly pay homage to the predictable anti-capitalist drivel that will
be purveyed by the those highly-successful capitalists in the entertainment
industry. Whenever such entertainment figures spout their standard, cliché-filled anti-capitalist drivel, why don't at least some in the
"news" media ask them to explain why a system that gives them high
rewards for high risks shouldn't apply equally to ordinary people, other
businesses and corporate investors in general? Why is it that in the
entertainment lexicon, "profit" is a dirty word only when it applies
to any non-entertainment industry while it is the holy grail within the
entertainment industry? The answer is clear: The entertainment
industry is the real-life embodiment of Animal Farm and the real "iron
triangle" is Hollywood, New York and Washington, D.C.. I will cast my
vote against such nonsense by refusing to watch the entertainment industry's
self-indulgent, self-congratulatory drivel. © 2000.
2000-03-25 Daily Update-01
© 2000
Worship of
Celebrity/Notoriety.
The networks and programs for "news"
treat Oscar predictions as
"news"
with stories about
the folks who camped-out
to see "stars" from
sidewalks as pews.
The networks exhibit disdain
for news and instead entertain
'cause fluff gets the ratings
and news gets berating--
the viewers are whom we
must blame.
© 2000
2000-03-24 Daily Update-02
© 2000
Reform Party has gone to
the Moon
Remember the Ralph Kramden tune--
that Alice he'd send to the Moon?
Like those Honeymooners,
Reform-Party troopers
have certainly gone to the Moon.
'Cause they couldn't learn
how to play,
they went to the Moon, Norman K.
Although he is bright,
he can't stop their fight,
'cause "uncle" they
can't learn to say.
© 2000 (Editor's Note: For those who don't know, the name of the Federal Judge
deciding the dispute over who controls the Reform Party is Norman K. Moon.)
2000-03-24 Daily Update-01
© 2000
Boomers made the crude and
the rude ....
socially acceptable (A
limerick.)
Before Boomers came to the fore,
crude language was widely deplored.
'Though crude words were said,
'twas private instead
'cause publicly it was
abhorred.
Then self-centered Boomers
arrived
(including this writer of rhymes).
The song we did sing
was "Do Your Own Thing"
and acted like crudeness
was fine.
It's clear that we should have known better,
and been more polite like our
elders.
We hope that it ain't
too late for restraint
and know we must try to do better.
© 2000. (Inspired by an article
by Ray McCallister.)
2000-03-23 Daily Update-01
© 2000
White House computers
programmed for Clintonizing
That White House computers had "lost"
those emails concerning the boss ...
is not so surprising--
it's just "Clintonizing":
a
program with trap-doors like DOSS.
© 2000
2000-03-22 Daily Update-01
© 2000
PeTA
abandons "Got Beer" campaign.
Under pressure from MADD (Mothers Against Drunk Driving), PeTA abandoned it's
"Got Beer" campaign against the udder cruelty of the dairy
industry. For more information, click here.
2000-03-21 Daily Update-02
© 2000
Quick! Send Joe
Camel back to the graveyard,
but send the Budweiser Frogs
& Lizards to the same
graveyard.
Today the Supreme Court decided that the regulatory power
previously granted by Congress to the FDA was not broad enough to permit the FDA
to regulate tobacco. Before the ink had even dried on that opinion, John
McCain, Henry Waxman and Richard Gephardt were expressing their intentions to
propose legislation to confer such power on the FDA. Thus, "The War
Against Tobacco" (TWAT) resumes at full intensity
from the real
"iron triangle": (a) the Trial Lawyers, (b)
nanny-government bureaucrats, and (3) legislators luxuriating in the lap of Big
Beer (i.e., McCain and
Gephardt).
Anyone with even a modicum of common sense knows that in
comparison to the modestly lower statistical life-expectancy among those who
smoke for many decades, the misuse
of alcoholic beverages ruins far more lives, leads to the premature ending of
far more life-spans (i.e., deaths in drunk-driving accidents, criminal assaults
in alcohol-induced stupors, spousal and child abuse in alcohol-induced stupors,
etc.), and has a far more deadly "second-hand" effect (i.e., deaths of
non-drinking pesons in drunk driving accidents and non-drinking victims of
criminal activity committed by persons in an alcoholic stupor) than the combined
"evils" of tobacco. (Never mind that recent studies indicate
nicotine can be effective against brain disorders such as Parkinson's,
Terrette's (sp?) Syndrome and Alzheimers.)
Therefore, if those preparing to propose legislation to send
"Joe Camel"
to the graveyard by empowering the FDA to "regulate" tobacco are
really concerned about "the children" and the shortening of
life-expectancies, they will also include provisions to ban Budweiser's use of
its animated frogs and
lizards and all other
beer commercials using humor or other techniques to captivate the interests of
minors and will also empower the FDA to "regulate" alcoholic
beverages. Indeed, given the massive scale on which the misuse of alcohol
ruins lives, ends countless lives prematurely, and otherwise destroys families,
friendships and employment relationships, that law should also empower the FDA
to impose a 24-hour "background" check for any purchase of any
alcoholic beverage to prevent such purchase by anyone with a criminal record, a
drunk-driving record, or any record of domestic violence or child neglect.
Surely such a background check would be a minor inconvenience to law-abiding
citizens who consume alcoholic beverages responsibly. Such legislation
should also require the FDA to develop and impose standards prohibiting the sale
of any alcoholic beverage in any container that's not "child-proof"
(as has been done for cigarette lighters and prescription-medicine containers).
Look out "Big
Mayonaise"--You're next:
Next, our noble legislators determined to save us all from
our own poor judgment should direct their crusading skills against Big
Mayonnaise, Big Beef, Big Bacon, Big Sausage, Big Chicken, Big Butter, Big
Candy, Big Caffeine, Big Junk Food, Big Macs, Big Milk, Big Cheese, Big Shrimp
(especially Jumbo Shrimp), Big Pork, Big Ham, Big Sugar, Big Egg, Big Potato
Chips, Big Popcorn, etc., etc. etc. (as Ross Perot is wont to say).
At the end of such noble crusade, our lives will be so miserably dull, we'll all
wish
for shorter life-spans. © 2000
2000-03-21 Daily Update-01
© 2000
Cheats & Chung or
Gore heeeaaaarrrrssss Johnny
! (re:
In-White-House Solicitations)
In raising more funds by the ton
by on-fed'ral-property duns,
controlling authority did not apply to me ...
because I was dialing for funds.
But now there's a claim
by John Chung
that I
made some in-White-House duns.
I fear that I can't
make-up a new chant
refuting the claims of John Chung.
And since there's no way to dodge blame,
I must try to minimize shame.
I'll try to sound stern
and claim that I've learned
from errors just like John
McCain
© 2000
2000-03-20 Daily Update-01 No update today.
2000-03-19 Daily Update-01
© 2000
Tim, you can do better !.
It's true Russert often does strive
for fairness to opposite sides,
But sometimes his views
on things in the news
show favor to his favorite side.
© 2000
2000-03-18 Daily Update-01
© 2000
Wayne LaPierre's harsh
rhetoric against Clinton & Gore.
Those harsh words from Wayne LaPierre
described by the press as unfair ...
Were almost as mean
as tactics we've seen
by Clinton and his buddy Al.
The record of Clinton and Gore
shows often they said worse and more.
Each time someone dies
from gunfire they cry,
"NRA would just tolerate
more."
© 2000
2000-03-17 Daily Update-01
© 2000
Buchannan's latest tirade.
Buchannan the ex-talking head
says the "Party of Reagan is Dead."
But who was the tool
in the year ninety-two
who made many voters afraid?
The man who quite harshly
implored
his party to wage cul'tral war ...
was none other than
Buchannan the man
who scared many folks from the door.
The Gipper encouraged inclusion
promoting not fission but fusion.
The song that Pat sung
was "my way or none"
engendering fears of
exclusion.
And what did we get from such
show?
By now even dumb-dumbs must know.
His fiery renditions
just gave us Bill Clinton
by driving a lot to Perot.
And now his campaign for "Reform"
will give us four years of Al Gore.
It's just such a shame
that he, like McCain,
says "My way or get out the
door"
© 2000
2000-03-16 Daily Update-01
© 2000
What if McCain/Feingold
were already the law?.
Most who want campaign "reform"
don't know how it would
change the norm.
They don't understand
its terms or its plans--
on that they are quite uninformed.
They think it will only
impose
restrictions on those they oppose.
They don't understand
that all through the land
such laws won't just silence
their foes.
But we who have read them, you see,
have learned what effects there would be:
They won't just impose
restrictions on foes--
they'll also restrict you and me !
But those who don't try
to keep up
are likely to mutter "So what?"
They won't be concerned
'til too late they learn
such laws can force them
to shut up !
When candidates say things misleading
to those who don't spend much time reading,
there will be no PACs
to show the real facts
to those who decide without
thinking.
© 2000
2000-03-15 Daily Update-01
© 2000
Media love affair with
campaign finance "reform".
Why do the media adore
proposals for campaign reform?
It ain't rocket science--
they just want compliance
with their view of what is
the norm
© 2000
2000-03-14 Daily Update-02
© 2000
Gore's Plea for
Help: "Please! Stop me before I violate campaign-laws again
!".
Like a serial killer in a bad movie leaving scene-of-the-crime messages to
police begging them to stop him before he kills again, poor Al Gore keeps
sending messages to voters to adopt anti-free-speech campaign-finance
"reform" to stop him before he violates existing
campaign-finance laws again.© 2000
2000-03-14 Daily Update-01
© 2000
Gun control; alcohol
control; illegal-drug control.
A much larger percentage of alcoholic-beverage purchasers misuse that product in
a way that's self-destructive or harmful to others than the percentage of
gun-owners who use guns to harm others. Virtually all instances of spousal
abuse, child abuse, date-rape and drunk driving and an overwhelming majority of
violent crimes are products of the misuse of alcohol. Therefore,
politicians who are not prisoners of "Big Alcohol" should
immediately propose legislation to require a three-day background check for the
purchase of any alcoholic beverage by anyone. This would, of course, be no
greater inconvenience for responsible alcoholic-beverage consumers than the
inconvenience of subjecting all gun-purchasers to such background checks. Of
course, politicians who genuinely "care" about preventing illegal-drug
addiction should also pass a law making it a criminal offense for any
illegal-drug dealer to sell an illegal drug to anyone without first performing a
three-day background check on the junkie desiring to buy the illegal drug.
Surely it would reduce the incidence of crack addiction if a law were passed to
require every crack dealer to perform a three-day background check before selling
crack to a customer. © 2000
2000-03-13 Daily Update-01 © 2000
Gore, defender of the
Zipper, now tries to impersonate the Gipper.
A shameless campaigner named Gore
now mimics the Gipper of yore:
with hairdo retread
and tilting his head,
he tries to invoke Gipper's lore.
Subliminal efforts like that
make fiction seem like it's a fact,
but sooner or later
while playing debater
his scheme will become his own trap.
His mimicking Reagan that way
will give Bush a good chance to say:
"Your hairdo retread
and tilting your head
don't equal his good-natured
way"
"You mimic the style of the Gipper
with help from Naomi and Tipper."
"I knew Reagan then;
he was my good friend,
and Gore, you are surely no Gipper."
© 2000
2000-03-12 Daily Update-01 © 2000
A day of rest.
2000-03-10 Daily Update-01 © 2000
Absurdity of Gore's
efforts to equate himself with McCain on Campaign Finance "Reform".
Gore's efforts on 03-09-00 to equate himself with John McCain on the issue of
campaign finance "reform" were ludicrous. In response to
questions about Gore's obvious involvement in the Buddhist Temple fundraising
scandal in which Gore's fundraiser, Ms. Hsia, was convicted on five felony
counts for money-laundering for Gore at the Temple, Gore evaded the question by
saying, "Like John McCain, I've learned from my mistakes [and that's why]
I'm for campaign-finance reform." However, unlike McCain, who had the
courage to admit his mistakes in joining the efforts of Democrats to help
Charles Keating, Gore has engaged in a cover-up of his involvement in the
Buddhist Temple affair. Thus, Gore is demonstrably unworthy to try to
clothe himself in John McCain's "I've learned from my mistakes"
aura. © 2000
2000-03-09 Daily Update-01 © 2000
Losing without grace.
There was a campaigner who lost,
then gave the cold shoulder with frost
to those he'd opposed
and punched in the nose
and said, "Without me, you
are lost."
This turns all the rules upside down
and says that who's up must be down.
It may seem bizarre
but now it is par
for losers to exit with frowns.
© 2000
2000-03-08 Daily Update-01 © 2000
Timely update prevented by
failure of Quest equipment serving our host.
2000-03-07 Daily Update-01 © 2000
Lessons from Iowa to Super
Tuesday
What lessons can be learned from Iowa through Super Tuesday?
1. Money may be necessary but it's not sufficient absent a message acceptable to
the electorate. Ask Steve Forbes.
2. Being a favorite of, or being portrayed favorably by, the media would be
sufficient absent adversaries possessing sufficient money to procure media time
to offset effects of media favoritism. Ask John McCain.
3. Reliance upon intellectual curiosity among voters to inform themselves about
the positions of candidates across the entire spectrum of issues by listening to
debates, reading the newspapers, and otherwise "keeping up" with the
news, social issues and political issues out of a sense of civic-minded duty is
patently insufficient. Ask Bill Bradley.
4. Role-playing, stressing "hot-button" issues, and outright lying is
sufficient when one's opponent limits his strategy to #3 is sufficient to
achieve victory over such opponent even when he has as much, if not more,
money. Ask Al Gore.
5. When attacked by an opponent using tactics impugning one's motives and/or
integrity (i.e., favoring tax cuts to "benefit the rich"), one must
respond in kind and aggressively-- otherwise, one will be defined by
caricature. Ask George W. Bush.
2000-03-06 Daily Update-01 © 2000
Polisat goes out on a limb
in predicting Super-Tuesday results:
Who will win in the Super Tuesday Primaries
tomorrow?..
2000-03-05 Daily Update-01 © 2000
No update today.
2000-03-04 Daily Update-01 © 2000
Bush sings "Star
Spangled Banana Peel" to McCain about McCain's "anti-pork
votes"
2000-03-03 Daily Update-01 © 2000
Can't we just all emote
along?
(Can't we
just all stop
thinking?)
Each time a heart-wrenching tragedy occurs, some of us tend to reflexively apply
a thought process to determine whether there exists the possibility of
preventative or remedial measures offering reasonable prospects of effectiveness
without infringing on constitutional guarantees of liberty. Those of us
who succumb to this temptation to think now finally realize how utterly foolish it is to
do so. We now realize that instead of engaging in such
pointless thought processes, we should just embrace whatever seems to be the
most emotionally satisfying proposal for imposing further restrictions on the
entirety of society to prevent or remedy any such tragedy regardless of how isolated
or rare it may be in a nation of nearly 300 million people and regardless of
whether such proposal has any realistic chance of being effective. © 2000
2000-03-02 Daily Update-01 © 2000
Writer's Cramps.
2000-03-01 Daily Update-01.© 2000
How
McCain could "straight-talk" his way to the nomination and to the
presidency:.
Polisat's
proposal that McCain, an
indisputably admirable hero, adopt the following "straight-talk" based
on a more objective self-assessment that he's displayed thus far:
1.
Apology:..Having
tried to make a virtue of my willingness to admit my own mistakes, I acknowledge
that I was wrong to permit my campaign to conduct a phone-campaign misleadingly
identified as a "Catholic Voter Alert" accusing Bush of being tolerant
of the anti-Catholic views of Bob Jones. I now realize that Bush's failure
to expressly castigate Bob Jones University's anti-Catholic bigotry no more
constituted an implied tolerance of such bigotry than his failure to castigate
Bob Jones' demonization of President Bush constituted implied tolerance of such
demonization of George W. Bush's own father.
2. Admission re Campaign
Finance "Reform":..Knowing
that I had used bad judgment by becoming involved in a situation creating an
appearance of undue influence in the Keating Five "scandal," I
realized that that the only way I could inoculate myself from unfair criticism
for such conduct would be to "admit" my errors in judgment and
advocate a type of campaign finance "reform" that would be worshipped
by the dominant media and thereby guarantee me almost limitless "free"
publicity and favorable treatment by the media to enable me to gain the
nomination as a "reformer." I now recognize that my lingering,
but unjustified, feelings of guilt in the wake of the Keating Five scandal-- in
which real wrongdoing was done only by other Senators-- caused me to lose my
objectivity on the subject of campaign finance "reform" and blinded me
to the fact that such proposals would violate our Constitutional guarantees of
free speech and free association. Therefore, in the spirit of my
demonstrated willingness to admit my own mistakes, I hereby withdraw my support
for McCain/Feingold and will protect the First Amendment "to my last
breath" by advocating repeal of the existing, Byzantine campaign-finance
regulatory scheme that makes it necessary for any citizen desiring to engage in
serious and effective political advocacy to engage the services of a
$500/hour lawyer to try to avoid the risk of criminal prosecution for
political-advocacy activities.
3. Tax Reform:..Despite
the fact that I "virulently opposed" Clinton's 1993
soak-the-"rich" tax increase (which opposition I only recently
reaffirmed while being interviewed by Sam Donaldson on ABC on 02-06-00), I used
the standard, socialistic, class-warfare language I knew to be loved by the
dominant media to unfairly characterize Bush's proposal to reverse that tax
increase (while also providing substantial relief to lower-income taxpayers) as
"benefits for the rich." Having regained my objectivity, I now
see the merit of an even better proposal than that advocated by Bush: I
will propose the tax-reform plan recommended by Richard Lugar during his
short-lived campaign for the nomination in 1996: Repeal the income
tax and replace it with a national sales tax exempting food, medicine, housing
and legal services. (I would also exempt fees charged by companies
providing access to the internet.) This would make all our exports
instantly more competitive abroad by removing from our companies' prices in
foreign markets the price-inflation factor caused by such companies having to
keep their prices high enough to make a profit large enough to pay income tax
and still have enough profit left over to reward investors and stockholders. It
would also protect our industries marketing their products overseas from other
countries' ability to erect trade barriers against any tax-law adjustment to
minimize the adverse effects of our current income-tax system on the
competitiveness of our products in foreign markets.
4. Anti-Tobacco Zealotry:...polisat
has effectively
demonstrated that my wife's ownership interests in a large Budweiser Beer
distributorship had blinded me to the fact that there is utterly no meaningful
distinction between the effects on children by Budweiser's commercials using
animated Frogs and Lizards and the alleged effect on children by "Joe
Camel," who was never even depicted in television commercials at all-- much
less the Super Bowl and numerous other sporting events popular among pre-teens
as well as teens as has been the case with the ubiquitous television commercials
featuring the Budweiser Frogs and Lizards and animated beer-bottles
"playing football" during commercial breaks in sporting events. I now
recognize that it has been just as unfair to characterize the "Big
Tobacco" executives as people who've "poisoned and addicted our
children" as it would be to similarly characterize Big Beer executives (and
owners of Big-Beer distributorships) as being directly responsible for the
massive carnage occurring each year on the highways by youthful drunk driving
and for countless teenagers being lured into drinking with significant numbers
of them becoming "hooked" on drinking and eventually becoming
alcoholics. I've also come to understand that the annual carnage
attributed to drunk-driving, spousal abuse occurring during drunkenness, and
other criminal activity during drunkenness eliminates more life-time years
annually than the old-age lifetime years deemed by statistical analysis to be
eliminated by slightly lowering the average life-expectancy among those smoking
heavily for 30 years or more. I also now realize that the
statistically-alleged "harmful" effect of "second-hand
smoke" pales in comparison to the empirically demonstrable,
immediately-lethal "second-hand" effects of drunk driving. I
also realize that to continue the anti-tobacco crusade would be to take us
further down the slippery slope leading inevitably to governmental sanctions
against, and demonization of, any product or service presenting the user
with any statistical risk of harm or death -- i.e., bacon, eggs, sausage, red
meat, mayonnaise, snow-skiing, sky-diving, SUV driving, snow-mobiling,
motorcycle-riding, youth sports involving dangerous activity (e.g., hardball,
head-banging in soccer, ice-hockey, field hockey, lacrosse), and any other
product or service that my become politically incorrect among pantheopians
(i.e., those who worship nature over mankind)... etc. © 2000
This
page contains Daily Updates for March,
2000. To go to our current
Daily Update Page, click here. To go to our Archives
of Daily Updates, click here..
