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Political Satire Daily Updates.©2000

Archives of Daily Updates for March, 2000:.
This page contains Daily Updates for March, 2000.  To go to our current Daily Update Page, click here.  To go to our Archives of Daily Updates, click here..

2000-03-31 Daily Update-
01 © 2000
When Generals Grope Generals (a limerick)
(See 03-31-00 FoxNews report: Gen. Claudia Kennedy says a general groped her)
    Each time that a grunt gropes a dame, 
    his chain of command gets the blame ...
    With claims that it shows 
    they're just not gung-ho 
    in teaching respect t'wards the dames.

    However, it's too much to hope, 
    when generals by generals are groped
    that those who just blame 
    those high in the chain 
    will focus on Slick Willie's gropes.
    Those same folks had called it a reach, 
    when Congressmen said, "Let's impeach."
    Apparently they  
    must think it's okay  
    when gals are impaled by the Chief
© 2000.

2000-03-30 Daily Update-01
© 2000
Nekkid Dancers (03-29-00 Supreme Court ruling upholding ordinance requiring pasties & g-string)
    The Supreme Court now says it's too racey 
    to dance without g-string and pasties.
    Put pasties on top 
    and cover that spot 
    and now you are dressed like a lady 
© 2000

2000-03-29 Daily Update-
01 © 2000
Prominent law-breaker urges others to obey the law re Elian Gonzales on 03-29-00.
    To those helping Elian Gonzales, 
    Bill Clinton proclaimed, "Don't be lawless."
    Of course that is right, 
    but in his
own plight, 
    he knowingly testified falsely 
© 2000

2000-03-28 Daily Update-
01 © 2000
Campaign Finance "Reform" to protect "ordinary" Americans from the "special interests" of wealthy fat-cats:
If contributions by "wealthy fat-cats" constitute "special interests" harming "ordinary" people, how come the current tax laws force the top 5% of income earners to pay more than 50% of the government's income-tax revenue?  How come those "ordinary" Americans in the bottom 50% income-level pay less than 5% of the total income-tax revenue?  The
real "special interests" are those "ordinary" Americans paying less than 5% of the income taxes continuing to vote for politicians promising to have the government give them more by taking more from the "wealthy fat-cats" supposedly "controlling" the politicians.  Such patently Orwellian language could only be understood on the Animal Farm. © 2000

2000-03-27 Daily Update-
01 © 2000
Let Me Into the Gold Rush (tune of Take Me Out to the Ball Game) (Re: multi-million-dollars punitive-damages award against "Big Tobacco"-- FoxNews 03-27-00)
    Let me into the Gold Rush, 
    I can claim victimhood
    I shouldn't have to use common sense, 
    just give me all those dollars and cents
    So it's sue, sue, sue Big Tobacco, 
    if I don't win it's a shame
    And just give those big-bucks to me, 
    I accept no blame. 
© 2000

2000-03-26 Daily Update-
01 © 2000
Coming Tonight:  The Animal-Farm Awards..
What a paradox is the entertainment industry.  The dominant figures in the entertainment industry ("super-stars," producers, directors, and investors) are among the most successful capitalists in the world, yet the cultural, political and economic views they promote are so starkly statist and anti-capitalistic.  Today, it will be almost impossible to find any "news" program not focusing on speculations and stories about the Academy Awards as though such event were important.  Unfortunately, the fact that such an overwhelming majority of people are so enthralled by such frivolity is what creates the artificial "importance" of such event.  Driven by an almost desperate craving to somehow "connect" with those who have the power of celebrity, millions upon millions of people will worship at this false altar and unwittingly pay homage to the predictable anti-capitalist drivel that will be purveyed by the those highly-successful capitalists in the entertainment industry.  Whenever such entertainment figures spout their standard, cliché-filled anti-capitalist drivel, why don't at least some in the "news" media ask them to explain why a system that gives them high rewards for high risks shouldn't apply equally to ordinary people, other businesses and corporate investors in general?  Why is it that in the entertainment lexicon, "profit" is a dirty word only when it applies to any non-entertainment industry while it is the holy grail within the entertainment industry?  The answer is clear:  The entertainment industry is the real-life embodiment of Animal Farm and the real "iron triangle" is Hollywood, New York and Washington, D.C..  I will cast my vote against such nonsense by refusing to watch the entertainment industry's self-indulgent, self-congratulatory drivel.  © 2000.  

2000-03-25 Daily Update-
01 © 2000
Worship of Celebrity/Notoriety.
    The networks and programs for "news" 
    treat Oscar predictions as "news"
    with stories about 
    the folks who camped-out 
    to see "stars" from sidewalks as pews.
    The networks exhibit disdain 
    for news and instead entertain
    'cause fluff gets the ratings 
    and news gets berating-- 
    the viewers are whom we must blame. 

© 2000

2000-03-24 Daily Update-
02 © 2000
Reform Party has gone to the Moon
    Remember the Ralph Kramden tune--
     that Alice he'd send to the Moon?
    Like those Honeymooners, 
    Reform-Party troopers 
    have certainly gone to the Moon.
    'Cause they couldn't learn how to play, 
    they went to the Moon, Norman K.
    Although he is bright, 
    he can't stop their fight, 
    'cause "uncle" they can't learn to say. 

© 2000  (Editor's Note:  For those who don't know, the name of the Federal Judge deciding the dispute over who controls the Reform Party is Norman K. Moon.)

2000-03-24 Daily Update-
01 © 2000
Boomers made the crude and the rude .... 
socially acceptable
(A limerick.)
    Before Boomers came to the fore, 
    crude language was widely deplored.
    'Though crude words were said, 
    'twas private instead 
    'cause publicly it was abhorred.
    Then self-centered Boomers arrived 
    (including this writer of rhymes).
    The song we did sing 
    was "Do Your Own Thing" 
    and acted like crudeness was fine.

    It's clear that we should have known better, 
    and been more polite like our elders.
    We hope that it ain't 
    too late for restraint 
    and know we must try to do better. 
© 2000.  (Inspired by an article by Ray McCallister.)

2000-03-23 Daily Update-
01 © 2000
White House computers programmed for Clintonizing
    That White House computers had "lost" 
    those emails concerning the boss ...
    is not so surprising-- 
    it's just "Clintonizing":  
    a program with trap-doors like DOSS.
© 2000

2000-03-22 Daily Update-
01 © 2000
PeTA abandons "Got Beer" campaign.
Under pressure from MADD (Mothers Against Drunk Driving), PeTA abandoned it's "Got Beer" campaign against the udder cruelty of the dairy industry.  For more information, click here.

2000-03-21 Daily Update-
02 © 2000
Quick!  Send Joe Camel back to the graveyard, but send the Budweiser Frogs & Lizards to the same graveyard.
    Today the Supreme Court decided that the regulatory power previously granted by Congress to the FDA was not broad enough to permit the FDA to regulate tobacco.  Before the ink had even dried on that opinion, John McCain, Henry Waxman and Richard Gephardt were expressing their intentions to propose legislation to confer such power on the FDA.  Thus, "The War Against Tobacco" (TWAT) resumes at full intensity from the
real "iron triangle":   (a) the Trial Lawyers, (b) nanny-government bureaucrats, and (3) legislators luxuriating in the lap of Big Beer (i.e., McCain and Gephardt).
    Anyone with even a modicum of common sense knows that in comparison to the modestly lower statistical life-expectancy among those who smoke for many decades, the
misuse of alcoholic beverages ruins far more lives, leads to the premature ending of far more life-spans (i.e., deaths in drunk-driving accidents, criminal assaults in alcohol-induced stupors, spousal and child abuse in alcohol-induced stupors, etc.), and has a far more deadly "second-hand" effect (i.e., deaths of non-drinking pesons in drunk driving accidents and non-drinking victims of criminal activity committed by persons in an alcoholic stupor) than the combined "evils" of tobacco.  (Never mind that recent studies indicate nicotine can be effective against brain disorders such as Parkinson's, Terrette's  (sp?) Syndrome and Alzheimers.)
    Therefore, if those preparing to propose legislation to send "
Joe Camel" to the graveyard by empowering the FDA to "regulate" tobacco are really concerned about "the children" and the shortening of life-expectancies, they will also include provisions to ban Budweiser's use of its animated frogs and lizards and all other beer commercials using humor or other techniques to captivate the interests of minors and will also empower the FDA to "regulate" alcoholic beverages.  Indeed, given the massive scale on which the misuse of alcohol ruins lives, ends countless lives prematurely, and otherwise destroys families, friendships and employment relationships, that law should also empower the FDA to impose a 24-hour "background" check for any purchase of any alcoholic beverage to prevent such purchase by anyone with a criminal record, a drunk-driving record, or any record of domestic violence or child neglect.  Surely such a background check would be a minor inconvenience to law-abiding citizens who consume alcoholic beverages responsibly.  Such legislation should also require the FDA to develop and impose standards prohibiting the sale of any alcoholic beverage in any container that's not "child-proof" (as has been done for cigarette lighters and prescription-medicine containers).

Look out "Big Mayonaise"--You're next:  Next, our noble legislators determined to save us all from our own poor judgment should direct their crusading skills against Big Mayonnaise, Big Beef, Big Bacon, Big Sausage, Big Chicken, Big Butter, Big Candy, Big Caffeine, Big Junk Food, Big Macs, Big Milk, Big Cheese, Big Shrimp (especially Jumbo Shrimp), Big Pork, Big Ham, Big Sugar, Big Egg, Big Potato Chips, Big Popcorn, etc., etc. etc. (as Ross Perot is wont to say).   At the end of such noble crusade, our lives will be so miserably dull, we'll all wish for shorter life-spans. © 2000

2000-03-21 Daily Update-
01 © 2000
Cheats & Chung or Gore heeeaaaarrrrssss Johnny ! (re: In-White-House Solicitations)
    In raising more funds by the ton 
    by on-fed'ral-property duns,
    controlling authority did not apply to me ... 
    because I was dialing for funds.
    But now there's a claim by John Chung 
I made some in-White-House duns.
    I fear that I can't 
    make-up a new chant 
    refuting the claims of John Chung.

    And since there's no way to dodge blame, 
    I must try to minimize shame.
    I'll try to sound stern 
    and claim that I've learned 
    from errors just like John McCain  
© 2000

2000-03-20 Daily Update-
01 No update today.

2000-03-19 Daily Update-
01 © 2000
Tim, you can do better !.
    It's true Russert often does strive 
    for fairness to opposite sides,
    But sometimes his views 
    on things in the news 
    show favor to his favorite side. 
© 2000

2000-03-18 Daily Update-
01 © 2000
Wayne LaPierre's harsh rhetoric against Clinton & Gore.
    Those harsh words from Wayne LaPierre 
    described by the press as unfair ... 
    Were almost as mean 
    as tactics we've seen 
    by Clinton and his buddy Al.
    The record of Clinton and Gore 
    shows often they said worse and more.
    Each time someone dies 
    from gunfire they cry, 
    "NRA would just tolerate more." 

© 2000

2000-03-17 Daily Update-
01 © 2000
Buchannan's latest tirade.
    Buchannan the ex-talking head 
    says the "Party of Reagan is Dead."
    But who was the tool 
    in the year ninety-two 
    who made many voters afraid?
    The man who quite harshly implored 
    his party to wage cul'tral war ... 
    was none other than 
    Buchannan the man 
    who scared many folks from the door.

    The Gipper encouraged inclusion 
    promoting not fission but fusion.
    The song that Pat sung 
    was "my way or none" 
    engendering fears of exclusion.
    And what did we get from such show?  
    By now even dumb-dumbs must know.
    His fiery renditions 
    just gave us Bill Clinton 
    by driving a lot to Perot.

    And now his campaign for "Reform" 
    will give us four years of Al Gore.
    It's just such a shame 
    that he, like McCain, 
    says "My way or get out the door" 
© 2000

2000-03-16 Daily Update-
01 © 2000
What if McCain/Feingold were already the law?.
    Most who want campaign "reform" 
    don't know how it
would change the norm.
    They don't understand 
    its terms or its plans-- 
    on that they are quite uninformed.
    They think it will only impose 
    restrictions on those they oppose.
    They don't understand 
    that all through the land 
    such laws won't just silence their foes.

    But we who have read them, you see, 
    have learned what effects there would be: 
    They won't just impose 
    restrictions on foes-- 
    they'll also restrict you and me !
    But those who don't try to keep up 
    are likely to mutter "So what?"
    They won't be concerned 
    'til too late they learn 
    such laws can force them to shut up !

    When candidates say things misleading 
    to those who don't spend much time reading,
    there will be no PACs 
    to show the real facts 
    to those who decide without thinking. 
© 2000

2000-03-15 Daily Update-
01 © 2000
Media love affair with campaign finance "reform".
    Why do the media adore 
    proposals for campaign reform?
    It ain't rocket science-- 
    they just want compliance 
their view of what is the norm 
© 2000

2000-03-14 Daily Update
-02 © 2000
Gore's Plea for Help:  "Please!  Stop me before I violate campaign-laws again !".
Like a serial killer in a bad movie leaving scene-of-the-crime messages to police begging them to stop him before he kills again, poor Al Gore keeps sending messages to voters to adopt anti-free-speech campaign-finance "reform" to stop him before he violates existing campaign-finance laws again.© 2000

2000-03-14 Daily Update-
01 © 2000
Gun control; alcohol control; illegal-drug control.
A much larger percentage of alcoholic-beverage purchasers misuse that product in a way that's self-destructive or harmful to others than the percentage of gun-owners who use guns to harm others.  Virtually all instances of spousal abuse, child abuse, date-rape and drunk driving and an overwhelming majority of violent crimes are products of the misuse of alcohol.  Therefore, politicians who are not prisoners of  "Big Alcohol" should immediately propose legislation to require a three-day background check for the purchase of any alcoholic beverage by anyone.  This would, of course, be no greater inconvenience for responsible alcoholic-beverage consumers than the inconvenience of subjecting all gun-purchasers to such background checks.  Of course, politicians who genuinely "care" about preventing illegal-drug addiction should also pass a law making it a criminal offense for any illegal-drug dealer to sell an illegal drug to anyone without first performing a three-day background check on the junkie desiring to buy the illegal drug.  Surely it would reduce the incidence of crack addiction if a law were passed to require every crack dealer to perform a three-day background check before selling crack to a customer.  © 2000

2000-03-13 Daily Update-01 © 2000
Gore, defender of the Zipper, now tries to impersonate the Gipper.
    A shameless campaigner named Gore 
    now mimics the Gipper of yore:  
    with hairdo retread 
    and tilting his head, 
    he tries to invoke Gipper's lore.
    Subliminal efforts like that 
    make fiction seem like it's a fact,
    but sooner or later 
    while playing debater 
    his scheme will become his own trap.

    His mimicking Reagan that way 
    will give Bush a good chance to say: 
    "Your hairdo retread 
    and tilting your head 
    don't equal his good-natured way"
    "You mimic the style of the Gipper 
    with help from Naomi and Tipper."
    "I knew Reagan then; 
    he was my good friend, 
    and Gore, you are surely no Gipper."  

© 2000

2000-03-12 Daily Update-01 © 2000
A day of rest.

2000-03-10 Daily Update-01 © 2000
Absurdity of Gore's efforts to equate himself with McCain on Campaign Finance "Reform".
Gore's efforts on 03-09-00 to equate himself with John McCain on the issue of campaign finance "reform" were ludicrous.  In response to questions about Gore's obvious involvement in the Buddhist Temple fundraising scandal in which Gore's fundraiser, Ms. Hsia, was convicted on five felony counts for money-laundering for Gore at the Temple, Gore evaded the question by saying, "Like John McCain, I've learned from my mistakes [and that's why] I'm for campaign-finance reform."  However, unlike McCain, who had the courage to admit his mistakes in joining the efforts of Democrats to help Charles Keating, Gore has engaged in a cover-up of his involvement in the Buddhist Temple affair.  Thus, Gore is demonstrably unworthy to try to clothe himself in John McCain's "I've learned from my mistakes" aura.  © 2000

2000-03-09 Daily Update-01 © 2000
Losing without grace.
    There was a campaigner who lost, 
    then gave the cold shoulder with frost
    to those he'd opposed 
    and punched in the nose 
    and said, "Without me, you are lost."
    This turns all the rules upside down 
    and says that who's up must be down.
    It may seem bizarre 
    but now it is par 
    for losers to exit with frowns. 

© 2000

2000-03-08 Daily Update-01 © 2000
Timely update prevented by failure of Quest equipment serving our host.

2000-03-07 Daily Update-01 © 2000
Lessons from Iowa to Super Tuesday
What lessons can be learned from Iowa through Super Tuesday?
1. Money may be necessary but it's not sufficient absent a message acceptable to the electorate.  Ask Steve Forbes.
2. Being a favorite of, or being portrayed favorably by, the media would be sufficient absent adversaries possessing sufficient money to procure media time to offset effects of media favoritism.  Ask John McCain.
3. Reliance upon intellectual curiosity among voters to inform themselves about the positions of candidates across the entire spectrum of issues by listening to debates, reading the newspapers, and otherwise "keeping up" with the news, social issues and political issues out of a sense of civic-minded duty is patently insufficient.  Ask Bill Bradley.
4. Role-playing, stressing "hot-button" issues, and outright lying is sufficient when one's opponent limits his strategy to #3 is sufficient to achieve victory over such opponent even when he has as much, if not more, money.  Ask Al Gore.
5. When attacked by an opponent using tactics impugning one's motives and/or integrity (i.e., favoring tax cuts to "benefit the rich"), one must respond in kind and aggressively-- otherwise, one will be defined by caricature.  Ask George W. Bush. 

2000-03-06 Daily Update-01 © 2000
Polisat goes out on a limb in predicting Super-Tuesday results:
Who will win in the Super Tuesday Primaries tomorrow?..

2000-03-05 Daily Update-01 © 2000
No update today.

2000-03-04 Daily Update-01 © 2000
Bush sings "Star Spangled Banana Peel" to McCain about McCain's "anti-pork votes"

2000-03-03 Daily Update-01 © 2000
Can't we just all emote along? 
(Can't we just all stop thinking?)

Each time a heart-wrenching tragedy occurs, some of us tend to reflexively apply a thought process to determine whether there exists the possibility of preventative or remedial measures offering reasonable prospects of effectiveness without infringing on constitutional guarantees of liberty.  Those of us who succumb to this temptation to think now finally realize how utterly foolish it is to do so.   We now realize that instead of engaging in such pointless thought processes, we should just embrace whatever seems to be the most emotionally satisfying proposal for imposing further restrictions on the entirety of society to prevent or remedy any such tragedy regardless of how isolated or rare it may be in a nation of nearly 300 million people and regardless of whether such proposal has any realistic chance of being effective.  © 2000 

2000-03-02 Daily Update-01 © 2000
Writer's Cramps.

2000-03-01 Daily Update-01.© 2000
How McCain could "straight-talk" his way to the nomination and to the presidency:.
Polisat's proposal that McCain, an indisputably admirable hero, adopt the following "straight-talk" based on a more objective self-assessment that he's displayed thus far:

1. Apology:..Having tried to make a virtue of my willingness to admit my own mistakes, I acknowledge that I was wrong to permit my campaign to conduct a phone-campaign misleadingly identified as a "Catholic Voter Alert" accusing Bush of being tolerant of the anti-Catholic views of Bob Jones.  I now realize that Bush's failure to expressly castigate Bob Jones University's anti-Catholic bigotry no more constituted an implied tolerance of such bigotry than his failure to castigate Bob Jones' demonization of President Bush constituted implied tolerance of such demonization of George W. Bush's own father.
2. Admission re Campaign Finance "Reform":..Knowing that I had used bad judgment by becoming involved in a situation creating an appearance of undue influence in the Keating Five "scandal," I realized that that the only way I could inoculate myself from unfair criticism for such conduct would be to "admit" my errors in judgment and advocate a type of campaign finance "reform" that would be worshipped by the dominant media and thereby guarantee me almost limitless "free" publicity and favorable treatment by the media to enable me to gain the nomination as a "reformer."  I now recognize that my lingering, but unjustified, feelings of guilt in the wake of the Keating Five scandal-- in which real wrongdoing was done only by other Senators-- caused me to lose my objectivity on the subject of campaign finance "reform" and blinded me to the fact that such proposals would violate our Constitutional guarantees of free speech and free association.  Therefore, in the spirit of my demonstrated willingness to admit my own mistakes, I hereby withdraw my support for McCain/Feingold and will protect the First Amendment "to my last breath" by advocating repeal of the existing, Byzantine campaign-finance regulatory scheme that makes it necessary for any citizen desiring to engage in serious and effective political advocacy to engage the services of  a $500/hour lawyer to try to avoid the risk of criminal prosecution for political-advocacy activities.
3. Tax Reform:..Despite the fact that I "virulently opposed" Clinton's 1993 soak-the-"rich" tax increase (which opposition I only recently reaffirmed while being interviewed by Sam Donaldson on ABC on 02-06-00), I used the standard, socialistic, class-warfare language I knew to be loved by the dominant media to unfairly characterize Bush's proposal to reverse that tax increase (while also providing substantial relief to lower-income taxpayers) as "benefits for the rich."  Having regained my objectivity, I now see the merit of an even better proposal than that advocated by Bush:  I will propose the tax-reform plan recommended by Richard Lugar during his short-lived campaign for the nomination in 1996:  Repeal the income tax and replace it with a national sales tax exempting food, medicine, housing and legal services.  (I would also exempt fees charged by companies providing access to the internet.)  This would make all our exports instantly more competitive abroad by removing from our companies' prices in foreign markets the price-inflation factor caused by such companies having to keep their prices high enough to make a profit large enough to pay income tax and still have enough profit left over to reward investors and stockholders. It would also protect our industries marketing their products overseas from other countries' ability to erect trade barriers against any tax-law adjustment to minimize the adverse effects of our current income-tax system on the competitiveness of our products in foreign markets.

4. Anti-Tobacco Zealotry:...polisat has effectively demonstrated that my wife's ownership interests in a large Budweiser Beer distributorship had blinded me to the fact that there is utterly no meaningful distinction between the effects on children by Budweiser's commercials using animated Frogs and Lizards and the alleged effect on children by "Joe Camel," who was never even depicted in television commercials at all-- much less the Super Bowl and numerous other sporting events popular among pre-teens as well as teens as has been the case with the ubiquitous television commercials featuring the Budweiser Frogs and Lizards and animated beer-bottles "playing football" during commercial breaks in sporting events. I now recognize that it has been just as unfair to characterize the "Big Tobacco" executives as people who've "poisoned and addicted our children" as it would be to similarly characterize Big Beer executives (and owners of Big-Beer distributorships) as being directly responsible for the massive carnage occurring each year on the highways by youthful drunk driving and for countless teenagers being lured into drinking with significant numbers of them becoming "hooked" on drinking and eventually becoming alcoholics.  I've also come to understand that the annual carnage attributed to drunk-driving, spousal abuse occurring during drunkenness, and other criminal activity during drunkenness eliminates more life-time years annually than the old-age lifetime years deemed by statistical analysis to be eliminated by slightly lowering the average life-expectancy among those smoking heavily for 30 years or more.  I also now realize that the statistically-alleged  "harmful" effect of "second-hand smoke" pales in comparison to the empirically demonstrable, immediately-lethal "second-hand" effects of drunk driving.  I also realize that to continue the anti-tobacco crusade would be to take us further down the slippery slope leading inevitably to governmental sanctions against, and demonization of,  any product or service presenting the user with any statistical risk of harm or death -- i.e., bacon, eggs, sausage, red meat, mayonnaise, snow-skiing, sky-diving, SUV driving, snow-mobiling, motorcycle-riding, youth sports involving dangerous activity (e.g., hardball, head-banging in soccer, ice-hockey, field hockey, lacrosse), and any other product or service that my become politically incorrect among pantheopians (i.e., those who worship nature over mankind)... etc. © 2000 

This page contains Daily Updates for March, 2000.  To go to our current Daily Update Page, click here.  To go to our Archives of Daily Updates, click here..