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Damsel in Distress:
Aug. 4,
2004 #01: Political
Satire/Commentary where satire is always
commentary but commentary isn't always satire™
(but we're confident you'll know the difference) Search
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author, Jim Wrenn.
Faster-loading, permanent link to this is at http://PoliSat.Com/DamselInDistress.htm.
See also Kerry versus Kerry
versus Kerry.
John
Kerry's "secret plan" to "win" Operation Iraqi Freedom is
exposed by PoliSat.Com revealing the details of the plan, code-named
"Damsel in Distress."·
Everyone knows John Kerry's portrayal of himself as a war hero benefited from
the cinematic expertise of a colleague of Steven Spielberg in the form of a
movie adapting Kerry's 8mm movies re-staging his heroic events in Vietnam.
However, few people know that another colleague of Spielberg, whose name must,
of course, remain anonymous, applied cinematic/computer-programming skills to
test Kerry's hypothesis that the way he would fight terror would be
"smarter and better" than George Bush's way.
PoliSat.Com's highly unreliable source within the Kerry campaign has obtained a
copy of this highly experimental computer-modeled test of Kerry's
theories. Of course, Kerry's campaign (including PoliSat.Com's highly
unreliable source) will vehemently deny the existence of the test, code-named
"Damsel in Distress" (high-resolution version is here;
faster-loading, lower-resolution version is here).
Kerry's strategic advisers arranged the highly secret project to test Kerry's
theories for weaving the handling of Iraq into his strategy against
terrorism. Kerry's statements on the campaign trail asserting that he
knows how to accomplish this but cannot make the details public have led some in
the media to liken his claim to Nixon's "secret plan" to
"win" the war in Vietnam. When reporters asked a high-level,
former Kerry advisor (Sandy Burglar*, who
spoke on condition of anonymity), whether Kerry's "secret plan" is the
equivalent of Nixon's-- i.e., "Iraqification"-- Burglar
scheduled a press conference at which he anonymously denied "Iraqification"
is Kerry's secret plan. Then, speaking even further off the record than
merely anonymously, he told the press the real name for Kerry's plan is "Chiracification."
This prompted a flood of additional questions from reporters. What is
meant by "Chiracification"? Burglar told the reporters that
unlike George Bush's "simple minded" approach, "Chiracification"
would involve applying a highly intellectually nuanced strategy to reduce the
threats of terrorism by secretly paying the terrorists in the hope they'll turn
their attention to China rather than the United States. When questioned
about the sanity of such strategy, Burglar replied, "Well, it worked for
Chirac, didn't it?"
Speaking to PoliSat.Com's Washington Bureau Drawer Chief on deep background,
Burglar acknowledged that the expected unpopularity of a strategy named for its
foremost practitioner (Jacques Chirac) made it necessary for the strategy to be
named "Damsel in Distress." As proof of the success of
Chiracification when practiced by Jacques Chirac during the period preceding
Operation Iraqi Freedom, Burglar directed the press to three prominent
sources: Source 1: main-source
here; photograph
here; soundtrack
here; Source 2: video
here; Source 3: video
here.
Despite Kerry's secret adoption of "Chiracification," Burglar
vehemently denounced Rush Limbaugh's theory that John Kerry is the "Frenchurian
Candidate." Burglar also denied that a coded command in a telephone
call to him from Dominique de
Villepin prompted him (Burglar) to stuff classified documents into
his socks and underwear while in the National Security section of the National
Archives.
When one of Kerry's top foreign-policy advisors learned PoliSat.Com was
preparing to expose the secret computer-model testing of the "Chiracification"
strategy (code-named "Damsel in Distress"), he contacted
PoliSat.Com's Washington Bureau Drawer Chief. Unable to dissuade
PoliSat.Com from exposing the project, he insisted that PoliSat.Com be
"fair and balanced" by presenting both sides of such a complex set of
strategic issues. Therefore, to show the contrast between Kerry's
intellectually nuanced·º¹·º²·
but linear policy of assuring the terrorists that if they strike us, a President
Kerry would "swiftly strike back," PoliSat.Com provides the following
links: Un-Boxed
Dots and Strategery.
Finally, Burglar denied that since Scoop Jackson, the donkey kicking ass has
changed to an ass just kicking. As an example that the donkey "still
can kick ass," Burglar cited Kerry's occasional willingness to criticize
the Dean
of Mean and Doctor of Spleen, by expressing his lack of complete
agreement with the various conspiracy theories touted by Dean in his futile
effort to make Michael Moore seem lucid by comparison.
--Jim
Wrenn, Editor at PoliSat.Com.
*I
can't remember who originally dubbed Sander Berger "Sandy Burglar"; I
only wish it were I.
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end
·
