Ted Kennedy says "Iraq is George Bush's 'Vietnam.'"; Bush contemplates response; CBS News unveils plan for Dan Rather as new anchor on "Face the Nation" to be re-named "Mace the Nation."

Jan. 17, 2005.

Ted Kennedy says "Iraq is George Bush's 'Vietnam.'"; Bush contemplates response; CBS News unveils plan for Dan Rather as new anchor on "Face the Nation" to be re-named "Mace the Nation."

PoliSat.Com's Washington Bureau Drawer Chief has learned how George W. Bush wishes he could counter the latest vitriolic attack from Ted Kennedy. A highly unreliable source with direct access to high-level strategy meetings in the sub-basement of the White House described contemplation of a strategy that would have had a devastating impact on Kennedy. Using high-tech, remote-sensing equipment envied but not possessed by the NSC, our highly unreliable source captured video images and closed-caption texts of these "brainstorming" meetings. As a public service, PoliSat.Com presents the following closed-captions video that first documents the latest behavior of Kennedy that prompted the high-level brainstorming session and then reveals the key elements of the process by which Bush contemplated and then rejected (on grounds of avoiding cruelty to dumb animals) as a strategy (code-named the"RATEMKITKEMK* Tapes") for countering Kennedy's attacks. (*Pronounced: rah-tem-kit-kemk.)

Here's the transcript of the closed-captions of Part One of the"RATEMKITKEMK Tapes" documenting the latest objectionable behavior by Ted Kennedy in his tactic of describing Iraq as "George Bush's 'Vietnam'":

I'm Ted, the political con whose improvised verbalized bombs seek unity cracked by claiming Iraq is Bush 43's "Vietnam."

Here's the transcript of the closed-captions of Part Two of the "RATEMKITKEMK Tapes" revealing Dubya's contemplated, but ultimately rejected, counter-tactic against Kennedy's callous and reckless tactic of trying to equate "Iraq" with "Vietnam":

I'm Dubya, whom Teddy attacks for ev'rything wrong in Iraq with words that provide the terrorists' side with hope we'll withdraw from Iraq. His caustic remarks on Iraq deserve my most caustic attack with words metaphorical on Teddy, The Oracle of Gloom and of Doom in Iraq. The term to combat his contempt, phonetic'lly, rat-'em kit-kemk, I coined to define his low state of mind, hereafter is "RAT-EM-KIT-KEMK." Since Ted's nom-de-plume's "E-M-K," the way to most cogently say how low Ted-the-drunk's behavior has sunk is: "Ted's E-M-K's 'E-M-K.' " The phrase, with which Teddy I'd tar, I coined with the acronym "R-A-T-E-M-K-I-T-E-M-K" means sinking as low as his car: Reminding America That E-M-K Is Ted Kennedy's E-M-K's the best way to caustic'lly say his name can an epithet be. Despite arrowed words in my quiver, this speech I, of course, won't deliver because, unlike Ted, my grudges I shed to thus be a humble forgiver.

After careful study, PoliSat.Com's cryptographer has been able to further de-code the meaning of the "RATEMKITKEMK" acronym: Reminding America That Edward M. Kennedy is Ted Kennedy's Edward M. Kennedy-- i.e., it equates Ted Kennedy with Ted Kennedy. PoliSat.Com's highly unreliable source inside the Bush White House indicated that Bush ultimately declined to embrace this strategy because he concluded as a "compassionate" conservative that to equate Ted Kennedy with Ted Kennedy would be almost as cruel as to equate any human being with Michael Moore. Incredibly, PoliSat.Com's Washington Bureau Drawer Chief's careful parsing of the language in these closed-caption transcripts of the RATEKEMKITKEMK Tapes not only underscores the compassionate nature of Bush's ultimate rejection of the strategy but also reveals Bush's sentiments to be quite poetic, as shown below:

The "RATEMKITKEMK" Tapes, Part One: Ted Kennedy's tactic describing Iraq as "George Bush's 'Vietnam.'"

I'm Ted, the political con
whose improvised verbalized bombs
seek unity cracked
by claiming Iraq
is Bush 43's "Vietnam."

The "RATEMKITKEMK" Tapes, Part Two: Dubya's counter-tactic.

I'm Dubya, whom Teddy attacks
for ev'rything wrong in Iraq
with words that provide
the terrorists' side
with hope we'll withdraw from Iraq.

His caustic remarks on Iraq
deserve my most caustic attack
with words metaphorical
on Teddy, The Oracle
of Gloom and of Doom in Iraq.

The term to combat his contempt,
phonetic'lly, rat-'em kit-kemk,
I coined to define
his low state of mind
hereafter is "RAT-EM-KIT-KEMK."

Since Ted's nom-de-plume's "E-M-K,"
the way to most cogently say
how low Ted-the-drunk's
behavior has sunk
is: "Ted's E-M-K's 'E-M-K.' "

The phrase, with which Teddy I'd tar,
I coined with the acronym "R-
A-T-E-M-K-
I-T-E-M-K,"
means sinking as low as his car:

Reminding America That E-
M-K Is Ted Kennedy's E-
M-K's the best way
to caustic'lly say
his name can an epithet be.

Despite arrowed words in my quiver,
this speech I, of course, won't deliver
because, unlike Ted,
my grudges I shed
to thus be a humble forgiver.

In a related matter, the CBS News' decision to provide the entirety of its Sunday morning news-program, "Face the Nation," yesterday has fueled rumors that rather than returning Dan Rather to "60 Minutes," CBS News would rather have him become the new anchor of that Sunday morning program, which, in furtherance of CBS News' new commitment to "objectivity" and "full disclosure" in the wake of MemoGate a.k.a. RatherGate will be re-named "Mace the Nation."

The images shown above represent additional examples of outrageously callous, partisan comments by Ted Kennedy as further proof that Ted Kennedy is Ted Kennedy's Ted Kennedy.

--Jim Wrenn, Editor at PoliSat.Com

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Jan. 13, 2005 #01 Daily Update at PoliSat.Com, where satire is always commentary, but commentary isn't always satire.™