CBS News and 60 Minutes: Les Moonves, Andrew Heyward, Dan Rather and Mary Mapes officially deny RatherGate and MemoGate prove political bias at the SeeBS Casa Blacka-Rocka.

Jan. 12, 2005.

CBS News and 60 Minutes: Les Moonves, Andrew Heyward, Dan Rather and Mary Mapes officially deny RatherGate and MemoGate prove political bias at the SeeBS Casa Blacka-Rocka.

Les Moonves, Andrew Heyward and Dan Rather held a joint press-conference today to officially inform the world that RatherGate a.k.a. MemoGate do not show political bias against George W. Bush. They also took this occasion to de-bunk quite a number of other myths commonly held among people existing in "red" states and even by a sizeable minority of red people (not to be confused with American Indians-- correction "Native Americans"-- correction descendents of the MDOPCIOTPPCBNAAPO Culture) in blue states: First, contrary to popular belief, extraterrestrial aliens did not land at Roswell-- they were Mexicans traveling in weather balloons. Second, contrary to popular belief, white people have rhythm (but not rhyme). Third, contrary to popular belief, people in fly-over country live there only because there's no room for them on the coasts. Fourth, contrary to popular belief, most people would have preferred that we not have sought to topple Saddam Hussein until such time in the future when he would have first proven to the world his possession of operational nuclear, chemical and biological weapons. Fifth, contrary to popular belief, most people would prefer to wait for the Social Security Pyramid Scheme to collapse before fixing it. Sixth, contrary to popular belief, the exit polls were right and John Kerry actually won Ohio and Florida by landslides. Seventh, contrary to popular belief, if Edward R. Murrow were to be alive to day, the person he would admire most would be Michael Moore.

After this refreshing and educational bout of candor, Moonves, Heyward and Rather departed, but Mary Mapes suddenly appeared in their place. She explained that Moonves and Heyward had been co-opted by the far right wing in conceding the documents she and Rather broadcast on 60 Minutes II were not shown to be authentic. She asserted that even though Rather is continuing to honor the confidentiality of the unimpeachable source, her being fired by SeeBS had so angered the unimpeachable source that he gave her permission to identify him. The entire Washington press corps held its collective breath as she prepared to identify the source. Mapes took a deep breath and said, "Our unimpeachable source is Michael Moore." Denying that she had "cut corners" to meet a deadline, she explained that she first received the unimpeachable memos at least ten years before Bush was ever in the Air National Guard.

When asked to explain this space-time continuum, she reminded everyone about the "smoking gun" theory about Bush 41 and the Americans held hostage in the American Embassy in Tehran until after the 1980 election of Reagan as the result of Bush 41 having flown the Blackbird to Europe to meet with Bani Sadr to make such arrangements. Similarly, Bush 43 had learned to fly the Blackbird, which, as everyone knows, travels at Warp 23 and is thus able to travel backwards in time. On one occasion in 1973, Bush 43 had forgotten he had his orders for a physical in his back pocket when he went AWOL by flying the Blackbird to meet with the Saudis for the Carlysle Group. Inadvertently passing Warp 23, he landed in Texas near the home of Bill Burkette and when he got out of the plane to try to find out where he had landed, the orders for his physical fell out of his back pocket. Fortunately for Burkett, he happened to have his camcorder handy and made a video-tape of Bush dropping the orders before getting back into the Blackbird to get back to the future by traveling at Warp Minus 23. Hearing her explanation, the Washington press corps was stunned by her tour de force into such complicated scientific matters involving quantum physics, relativity and the rest of that stuff that had stumped lesser mortals such as Einstein.

--Jim Wrenn, Editor at PoliSat.Com.

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Jan. 12, 2005 #01 Daily Update at PoliSat.Com, where satire is always commentary, but commentary isn't always satire.™