Sept. 30, 2004 #01:  Political Satire/Commentary where satire is always commentary but commentary isn't always satire™ 
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First Presidential Debate-- Awaiting Round One of Bush-Kerry Debate; Pundits ask:   "Whose spin will win?" Dan Rather announces pre-debate discovery of post-debate findings that "undecided" voters "felt" that Bush "stumbled."  Rather calls source "even more unimpeachable" than for the CBS 60 Minutes MemoGate; Rather Dodges Draft Questions.

            As we await the first presidential debate tonight between George W. Bush and John Kerry, most pundits are asking, "Whose spin will win?"   But Dan Rather is "scooping" them all by announcing his pre-debate discovery of post-debate findings that "undecided" voters "felt" that Bush "stumbled badly."   Anticipating skepticism about such startling discovery, Rather also released a pre-recorded rebuttal to what he characterized as the "partisan" nature of criticism after his announcement:  "My pre-debate discovery of post-debate findings that Bush 'lost' the first debate is based on a source even more impeachable than the unimpeachable source for CBS 60 Minutes' groundbreaking MemoGate report."  

            When Fox News reporters questioned this bold assertion, Rather accused them of being shills for the Bush Campaign.  Angered by their arrogance and buoyed by the audible wave "amens" among the rest of the media in response to his putting Fox News in its place, Rather offered a detailed explanation for his extraordinary insights:  

        I'm Dan Rather gifted, you see, to see more than others can see, so watch CBS to see me profess to now know what's yet to be seen.  While others will foolishly wait 'til after round one of debates between Bush and Kerry, my clairvoyant queries reveal Dubya lost the debate.

        You wonder just how I could know today what tomorrow will show.  The skill I describe's the opposite side of knowing what hist'ry can't show.  So-what if the pundits deride the version of hist'ry I plied is "Memo" plus "Gate" or "Rather" plus "Gate"? So-what if my sources all lied?

        The "fact of the matter" remains "I know what I know," so the blame must not fall on me but rather on thee if you don't believe what I claim.  The source of both skills is, of course, my own unimpeachable source:  My specialized gift to dream-stitch the rifts twixt "whether" and "should" as my source.  The same gift helped CBS craft a story that Bush wants a draft but hiding the angle that Democrat Rangel, not Bush, seeks renewing the draft.

        So, how, you may ask, can I know today that tomorrow has shown:   That folks undecided to pollsters confided "away" Bush by Kerry was blown?  To me it's a "known" not a guess that most will think Kerry did best 'cause long its' been known they're people who've shown their pref'rence to be:  "SeeBS."

At the conclusion of this presentation, Rather distributed the text of his comments pre-recorded in rhythm and rhyme and accompanied by an animated slide show beginning below.

Would Dan Rather SeeBS Spin
Today on Tonight Who Will Win?

I'm Dan Rather gifted, you see,
to see more than others can see,
so watch CBS
to see me profess
to now know what's yet to be seen.

While others will foolishly wait
'til after round one of debates
between Bush and Kerry,
my clairvoyant queries
reveal Dubya lost the debate.

You wonder just how I could know
today what tomorrow will show.
The skill I describe's
the opposite side
of knowing what hist'ry can't show.

So-what if the pundits deride
the version of hist'ry I plied
is "Memo" plus "Gate"
or "Rather" plus "Gate"?
So-what if my sources all lied?º¹ 

The "fact of the matter" remains
"I know what I know," so the blame
must not fall on me
but rather on thee
if you don't believe what I claim.

The source of both skills is, of course,
my own unimpeachable source: 
My specialized gift
to dream-stitch the rifts
twixt "whether" and "should" as my source.º² 

The same gift helped CBS craft
a story that Bush wants a draft
but hiding the angle
that Democrat Rangel,
not Bush, seeks renewing the draft.º³

So, how, you may ask, can I know
today that tomorrow has shown: 
That folks undecided
to pollsters confided
"away" Bush by Kerry was blown?

To me it's a "known" not a guess
that most will think Kerry did best
'cause long its' been known
they're people who've shown
their pref'rence to be:  "SeeBS."

            Meanwhile, CBS News is continuing to emulate Dan Rather's dream-stitching skills in reporting a bogus story claiming the Bush Administration is currently supporting legislation to reinstate the draft.  Of course, mere "good faith errors" easily explain why the CBS "News" report failed to identify it's source as an anti-draft, anti-war, anti-Bush activist and failed to explain that the only legislative "proposals" for reinstating the draft are a house bill proposed by Democratic Representative Charles Rangel and a Senate bill proposed by Democratic Senator Fritz Hollings, which proposals the Bush Administration has opposed.  See Footnote 03 below.  

    as As we await the first presidential debate tonight between George W. Bush and John F. Kerry, pundits are asking "whose spin will win?"  Americans still undecided between Bush and Kerry will take time from their more demanding responsibilities of deciding which movie to attend this weekend in order to "cram" for the electoral "exam" on November 2, 2004, by watching tonight's "debate."

            Lacking sufficient knowledge of the issues and the broader contexts in which one should make judgments about them, many of the still-undecided will tentatively "decide" who "won" or "lost" immediately after the debate, but like most "students" who "cram" for an exam rather than maintaining a steady course of study in the subject, they will ultimately seek refuge in what students call "crib notes"-- i.e., synopses, summaries, outlines, etc., prepared by those who've actually expended the effort to have learned the material.  Thus, most of them will remain tentatively decided about who "won" or "lost" until they learn whatever the post-debate polls purport to show what the "experts" have "learned" about what "undecided" Americans have "decided."

º¹.See "Dan Rather's Secret Identity"; "Back to the Future in 60 Minutes"; "Hi, I'm Dan Rather and I Approved this Ad"; "'I Am Not a Partisan Hack' says Rather"; and "I'm Dan Rather Sorry."

º².See Rather-Blather.

º³.See http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2004/09/28/eveningnews/main646055.shtml.  See also http://www.insightmag.com/news/2004/09/27/Maxim/Another.Black.Eye.For.Cbs-736141.shtml.  Finally, see http://www.rathergate.com/ and http://www.nodraft.info/contact.html.

--Jim Wrenn, Editor at PoliSat.Com. 

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