Aug. 4, 2004  #01:  Political Satire/Commentary where satire is always commentary but commentary isn't always satire™ 
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Faster-loading, permanent link to this is at http://PoliSat.Com/DamselInDistress.htm.  See also Kerry versus Kerry versus Kerry.

John Kerry's "secret plan" to "win" Operation Iraqi Freedom is exposed by PoliSat.Com revealing the details of the plan, code-named "Damsel in Distress."·

    Everyone knows John Kerry's portrayal of himself as a war hero benefited from the cinematic expertise of a colleague of Steven Spielberg in the form of a movie adapting Kerry's 8mm movies re-staging his heroic events in Vietnam.  However, few people know that another colleague of Spielberg, whose name must, of course, remain anonymous, applied cinematic/computer-programming skills to test Kerry's hypothesis that the way he would fight terror would be "smarter and better" than George Bush's way.

    PoliSat.Com's highly unreliable source within the Kerry campaign has obtained a copy of this highly experimental computer-modeled test of Kerry's theories.  Of course, Kerry's campaign (including PoliSat.Com's highly unreliable source) will vehemently deny the existence of the test, code-named "Damsel in Distress" (high-resolution version is here; faster-loading, lower-resolution version is here).

    Kerry's strategic advisers arranged the highly secret project to test Kerry's theories for weaving the handling of Iraq into his strategy against terrorism.  Kerry's statements on the campaign trail asserting that he knows how to accomplish this but cannot make the details public have led some in the media to liken his claim to Nixon's "secret plan" to "win" the war in Vietnam.  When reporters asked a high-level, former Kerry advisor (Sandy Burglar*, who spoke on condition of anonymity), whether Kerry's "secret plan" is the equivalent of Nixon's-- i.e., "Iraqification"-- Burglar scheduled a press conference at which he anonymously denied "Iraqification" is Kerry's secret plan.  Then, speaking even further off the record than merely anonymously, he told the press the real name for Kerry's plan is "Chiracification."  

    This prompted a flood of additional questions from reporters.  What is meant by "Chiracification"?  Burglar told the reporters that unlike George Bush's "simple minded" approach, "Chiracification" would involve applying a highly intellectually nuanced strategy to reduce the threats of terrorism by secretly paying the terrorists in the hope they'll turn their attention to China rather than the United States.  When questioned about the sanity of such strategy, Burglar replied, "Well, it worked for Chirac, didn't it?"  

    Speaking to PoliSat.Com's Washington Bureau Drawer Chief on deep background, Burglar acknowledged that the expected unpopularity of a strategy named for its foremost practitioner (Jacques Chirac) made it necessary for the strategy to be named "Damsel in Distress."  As proof of the success of Chiracification when practiced by Jacques Chirac during the period preceding Operation Iraqi Freedom, Burglar directed the press to three prominent sources:  Source 1: main-source here;  photograph here; soundtrack here; Source 2:  video here; Source 3:  video here.

    Despite Kerry's secret adoption of "Chiracification," Burglar vehemently denounced Rush Limbaugh's theory that John Kerry is the "Frenchurian Candidate."  Burglar also denied that a coded command in a telephone call to him from Dominique de Villepin prompted him (Burglar) to stuff classified documents into his socks and underwear while in the National Security section of the National Archives.

    When one of Kerry's top foreign-policy advisors learned PoliSat.Com was preparing to expose the secret computer-model testing of the "Chiracification" strategy (code-named "Damsel in Distress"), he contacted PoliSat.Com's Washington Bureau Drawer Chief.  Unable to dissuade PoliSat.Com from exposing the project, he insisted that PoliSat.Com be "fair and balanced" by presenting both sides of such a complex set of strategic issues.  Therefore, to show the contrast between Kerry's intellectually nuanced·º¹·º²· but linear policy of assuring the terrorists that if they strike us, a President Kerry would "swiftly strike back," PoliSat.Com provides the following links:  Un-Boxed Dots and Strategery.

    Finally, Burglar denied that since Scoop Jackson, the donkey kicking ass has changed to an ass just kicking.  As an example that the donkey "still can kick ass," Burglar cited Kerry's occasional willingness to criticize the Dean of Mean and Doctor of Spleen, by expressing his lack of complete agreement with the various conspiracy theories touted by Dean in his futile effort to make Michael Moore seem lucid by comparison.      

--Jim Wrenn, Editor at PoliSat.Com.

*I can't remember who originally dubbed Sander Berger "Sandy Burglar"; I only wish it were I.

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