John Kerry reiterates condemnation of "Benedict Arnold" companies "outsouring" American jobs to third-world countries.

Mar. 22, 2004: Poli Sat.Com's Political Satire/ Commentary* Daily Update # 01·· ™©·2004·(Home)·
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John Kerry reiterates condemnation of "Benedict Arnold" companies "outsouring" American jobs to third-world countries.·

John Kerry demonstrates his sincere opposition to "negative" campaigning by promising to aggressively curb the "outsourcing" of jobs by "Benedict Arnold" companies. Kerry reiterated this promise against the backdrop of a wine and cheese party at an American winery in northern Virginia making French wine in vineyards started with vines "in-sourced" from France and making French cheese with milk from French cows also "in-sourced" from France.

Drinking wine and cutting cheese while fielding questions from reporters, Kerry stressed that under his administration, more jobs would be "in-sourced" from France than at any time since Lafayette. When reporters asked him to name some of the "Benedict Arnold" companies, he said, "I'd rather stress a positive theme than to name particular companies." Holding his glass high, he said, "Instead, I propose a toast to Lafayette, "the great Frenchman, who was no Benedict Arnold like so many CEO's of American corporations today.

Moving over to the table with ham biscuits and shrimp, Kerry scooped a shrimp into a bowl of cocktail sauce, woofed it down and then announced to the attentive audience of reporters: "Aaahhhhh, there's nothing better with shrimp than Heinz Cocktail Sauce-- and it tastes even better now than it did when Heinz was owned by a rich Republican."

Signaling his readiness to resume taking questions from the press, he told the reporters, "Okay, ask me your toughest questions." Accepting his challenge, one of the inside-the-beltway reporters asked, "Do you think your inadvertently failing to be wary of an open microphone in your private conversation describing your opponents as 'the most crooked, lying bush [you'd] ever seen" has caused the Republicans to tone down their crooked, slash-and-burn, lying campaign ads against you?" Kerry replied, "That's a tough question. They're still trying to question my patriotism by focusing on my voting record, so I'd have to say the Bush attack machine is still in high gear."

One reporter in the back of the crowd shouted the next question, asking Kerry whether he's prepared to repudiate statements by Ted Kennedy suggesting Bush send Americans to die in a war he "hatched" at his ranch in Crawford to serve the financial interests of his wealthy supporters. Shouting back to be heard above the other reporters boos at that reporter, Kerry asked him, "Are you a Republican?" When the reporter said, "No," Kerry said, "Well, you ought to know that anyone who would hatch a plan for a war for such purposes will certainly run a negative campaign attacking my patriotism, so I won't dignify you question with an answer."

The next reporter picked by Kerry asked him to elaborate on his condemnation of the Benedict Arnold companies outsourcing jobs to third-world countries. As New England liberal Democrats are wont to do, Kerry said he would answer with a poem:

John Kerry: Crusader against "Benedict Arnold" Outsourcing.

I'm Kerry, resuming my barnstorm
performing political encores
as Lib'ral Crusader
against corp'rate traitors
like Benedict Arnolds who outsource.

It's sad that my words I must leaven
with terms made in Hell 'stead of Heaven
like traitorous slav'ry,
except for my fav'rite
variety: Heinz's Fifty-Seven.

When Kerry finished reciting his policy-wonk poem, the "Republican" reporter in the back asked him why Heinz has fifty-seven plants outside the United States, to which Kerry said, "Stop attacking my patriotism."

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