John Edwards challenges John Kerry to a Pre-Super-Tuesday Debate in Georgia to be called "Achilles' Heels versus Tar Heels."

Feb. 20, 2004 : PoliSat .Com's Political Satire/ Commentary* Daily Update # 01·· ™©·2004·(Home)·
*Where the satire is always commentary, but the commentary isn't always satire (but you'll know the difference)·
(Permanent, direct link to this Daily Update: http://polisat.com/du2004/du040229.htm#20040220-01.)
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John Edwards challenges John Kerry to a Pre-Super-Tuesday Debate in Georgia to be called "Achilles' Heels versus Tar Heels."·

The Atlanta Journal Constitution reports that John Edwards is challenging John Kerry to a debate in Georgia before Super Tuesday. Kerry should, but probably won't, accept the challenge. PoliSat.Com hereby offers to sponsor the debate as long as it's properly named "Achilles' Heels versus Tar Heels" and conducted in accordance with PoliSat.Com's rules for Political Fisticuffs.

Rather than having Al Sharpton and Dennis Kucinich participate in the debate, PoliSat.Com would have each of them serve as punching bags for Edwards and Kerry. Under PoliSat.Com's "punching bag" rules, if either of the debaters were to score a knockdown on the other, the debater knocked down would be given an opportunity to launch a meaningless attack against either Sharpton or Kucinich, after which either Sharpton or Kucinich would be allowed a 30-second reply to make the knocked-down debater look better by comparison and allow the knocked-down debater enough time to regain his composure in order to launch an effective counter-punch against the other debater.

The first five rounds would take place on a Jousting Field. The next five rounds would take place in a squared circle (i.e., a boxing ring or wrestling ring) with Jesse Ventura as the Referee. The final five rounds would take place in a closet with the winner being whoever emerges first. If no one were to emerge, the whole process would be re-started as a debate between Kucinich and Sharpton, but there will be no punching bags because we've been unable to locate any other candidate who would, by comparison, make either Kucinich or Sharpton look better. (Someone suggested Michael Moore and Al Franken but neither of them was willing to make a commitment to counter any punch by Kucinich or Sharpton.)

Proposals for such debate have already produced a heated, off-the-record debate between John Kerry and John Edwards over their relative strengths and weaknesses in running against Bush. PoliSat.Com's high-tech¹ system for covert eavesdropping on political chatter has produced a record of the behind-the-scenes "debate" between Edwards and Kerry over whether there should be a debate between Edwards and Kerry:

Achilles' Heels Versus Tar Heels.·

I'm Kerry-- "Achilles" to you--
I'm stronger and braver than you
and wiser and older
and surely much bolder
than you who are short in the tooth.

I'm Edwards, a Tar Heel to you,
but I'm not at risk, as are you,
for votes that reveal
the spots on your heels
for shafts from opponents of you.

It's errors on hist'ry you've spun.
My heels are irrelevant, son,
'cause Bush, whom I'll face
this Fall in the race
will face my invincible front.

But none who's committed to cheer
for me against Dubya this year
expects me to win
and thus needn't send
a shot at my heels from the rear.

Will Kerry accept Edwards' proposal for a debate? Only if Edwards is able to couch his proposal in such a way as to make its rejection seem cowardly.

--Jim Wrenn, Editor@PoliSat.Com.

¹·Intoxicated computer-science graduates interpreting quantum fluctuations in the fluctuating quanta of political interests among a wide variety of political operatives.
·

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