Report of John Edwards'proposal for "No-Sex Marriage" as a "One America" solution to the "Two Americas" problem of "Same-Sex Marriage" and "Opposite-Sex Marriage" ignites a political firestorm.

Feb. 19, 2004 : PoliSat .Com's Political Satire/ Commentary* Daily Update # 01·· ™©·2004·(Home)·
*Where the satire is always commentary, but the commentary isn't always satire (but you'll know the difference)·
(Permanent, direct link to this Daily Update: http://polisat.com/du2004/du040229.htm#20040219-01.)
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Report of John Edwards' proposal for "No-Sex Marriage" as a "One America" solution to the "Two Americas" problem of "Same-Sex Marriage" and "Opposite-Sex Marriage" ignites a political firestorm.·

Publication yesterday of excerpts from an off-the-record interview of John Edwards by PoliSat.Com's Wisconsin Bureau Drawer Chief in the wake of his come-from-behind second-place finish behind John Kerry in the February 17, 2004, Wisconsin Primary lit a political firestorm over statements attributed to Edwards about the raging controversy over same-sex/opposite-sex marriages. Here is an excerpt from yesterday's report by PoliSat.Com about that off-the-record interview:

In an exclusive interview with PoliSat.Com's Wisconsin Bureau-Drawer Chief, Edwards provided insight into his winning strategy. While shaking his head in slow motion to emulate one of those Breck commercials to show the richness and fullness of his hair, Edwards said, "I'm the Sea Biscuit of this race. Just like everyone thought the now-legendary Sea Biscuit was too small to beat larger, stronger horses, all the experts today thought there was no way that a John Edwards Galluping on Tar Heels could possibly overtake a galloping war-hero like John Kerry." Asked to identify what he considers his greatest weakness, Edwards spoke at length:

Being so handsome makes people doubt I'm smart-- sort of like the stereotypical view of "dumb blonds," but I already have plans to counter that when I unveil the legal niceties of my proposal to solve the current controversy about marriage. There are already too many contexts in which there are "two Americas." Believe it or not, some people actually favor a "two Americas' solution to this problem-- in other words, one America of "same-sex marriage" and another America of "opposite-sex marriage," but my proposal is for a One America solution: "No-Sex Marriage." Now I don't advocate such arrangement for myself, but Bill Clinton has already proven the viability of the concept."

Although political guru James Carville recently made comments¹ likening the political skills of John Edwards to those of Bill Clinton, some Edwards supporters construed them as "left handed compliments." Others viewed them as having hit the nail on the head if not the head on the nail. Clinton could not be reached for comment on PoliSat.Com's publication of its satirical interview with Edwards. Nevertheless, the "Same-Sex/Opposite-Sex Marriage" issue seems determined to raise its head in this campaign and force all candidates to define their preferred positions, but none of them seems to want to be first out of the box.

Edwards' "One-America Solution" to the "Two Americas" problem of "Same-Sex Marriage" and "Opposite-Sex Marriage" is the "No-Sex Marriage":

Opponents who wish to disparage
my positive manner of carriage
as candidate for
Election Oh-Four,
distorted my statements on "marriage."

I never said words to disparage
the zealous defenders of marriage.
Instead I have called
for "equal for all"
solutions for all seeking "marriage."

Because "One America's" best,
not "Two," we must therefore divest
homogenous sex
and opposite sex
as tests for which marriage is best.

Instead of the opposite sex
preferred over homo-type sex,
in my "One America,"
we'll redefine "marital"
as meaning the "absence of sex."

We'll moot, not approve, Same-Sex Marriage
and Opposite-Sex tests for marriage--
by mere recognition
of ancient traditions
that wives first devised: No-Sex Marriage.

Though status-quo thinkers maintain
the dangers of radical change,
statistics say most
of husbands would boast
they'd surely not notice the change.

Said Clinton, though favoring Edwards'
proposals for meanings of BedWords,
I'd have to complain
if "wives" are the same
as "interns" for rules under Bedwords.

Almost immediately after publication of the off-the-record interview, PoliSat.Com received a telephone call from John Edwards asking that he be identified only as a "top Edwards campaign official wishing to remain anonymous." Respecting his wishes, PoliSat.Com can now report that it has learned from a "top Edwards campaign official who wishes to remain anonymous" that Edwards views PoliSat.Com as another example of the "Two Americas" problem-- in other words, "One America" of "Satire" and the "Other America" of "Commentary." PoliSat.Com responded to Edwards' criticism by pointing out that "only idiots could have thought yesterday's 'report' that he favored 'No-Sex Marriage' constituted 'real' commentary on 'real' news rather than 'satirical' commentary about 'satirical' news." Edwards, showing the quick-on-his-feet skills that made him such a successful trial lawyer, quickly retorted, "But those are the very people to whom I'm trying to appeal in my campaign." Stung by the harsh reality of Edwards' retort, PoliSat.Com's Washington Bureau Drawer Chief replied, "Touché."

--Jim Wrenn, Editor@PoliSat.Com.

¹·(According to the Charlotte Observer, Carville described Edwards as "the best stump speaker [he has] seen, even better than Clinton.")

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