John Edwards stages a Sea Biscuit Gallup on Tar Heels narrowing the lead of John Kerry galloping on Achilles' Heels in the Wisconsin race as they approach the Super Tuesday final stretch.

Feb. 18, 2004 : PoliSat .Com's Political Satire/ Commentary* Daily Update # 01·· ™©·2004·(Home)·
*Where the satire is always commentary, but the commentary isn't always satire (but you'll know the difference)·
(Permanent, direct link to this Daily Update: http://polisat.com/du2004/du040229.htm#20040218-01.)
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John Edwards stages a Sea Biscuit Gallup on Tar Heels narrowing the lead of John Kerry galloping on Achilles' Heels in the Wisconsin race as they approach the Super Tuesday final stretch.·

In the wake of the February 17, 2004, Wisconsin Primary, John Edwards' Tar-Heels Galluping so closely behind John Kerry's Achilles' Heels has become the story de jour among political pundits, news junkies and political reporters. To physicists, the sound of galloping tar heels is similar to that of one hand clapping, which explains how Kerry didn't hear John "Sea Biscuit" Edwards Galluping behind him until nearing the finish line.

Wesley Clark, who now stands "beside" Kerry as an unofficial spokesman for the Kerry Campaign, said, "If I were still in the race, no one would catch me by surprise by catching me from behind." A reporter then asked Clark, "If that's true, how did you move from second place in most polls only a few weeks ago to nearly last place before you joined Kerry's campaign?" Flashing that awe-inspiring deer-in-the-headlights expression, Clark smiled and said, "Everyone knows I was a Dark Horse rider, but no one overtook me by galloping faster. Instead, everyone knows that despite my being a 21st Century version of Ike-- i.e., a great general galloping to the rescue of a disabled political party-- I purposely slowed down because as a great military man, I'm trained to leave no one behind."

Howard Dean said, "I wasn't surprised by Edwards having so suddenly narrowed Kerry's lead because by placing my stethoscope to the ground, I heard the squishy sound of those Galluping Tar Heels. Al Sharpton said, "Why does Edwards try to portray himself as the candidate riding the white horse? Shouldn't he be riding a horse of color? At least Wesley Clark had the decency to ride a dark horse."

Galluping Tar Heels·

Says Edwards to Kerry "The sound
behind you are hoofs as they pound
as Tar-Heels in action
with excellent traction
as into the stretch we are bound."

"Though both of us favor the use
of speaking, not whipping, to boost
the speed of the horse,
the sound of your voice
like Mondale's resembles a moose."

"And that's why I'm willing to bet
by me you'll be passed in the stretch
when 'giddyup' sounds
are heard by your mount
as calls by a moose for a mate."

In an exclusive interview with PoliSat.Com's Wisconsin Bureau-Drawer Chief, Edwards provided insight into his winning strategy. While shaking his head in slow motion to emulate one of those Breck commercials to show the richness and fullness of his hair, Edwards said, "I'm the Sea Biscuit of this race. Just like everyone thought the now-legendary Sea Biscuit was too small to beat larger, stronger horses, all the experts today thought there was no way that a John Edwards Galluping on Tar Heels could possibly overtake a galloping war-hero like John Kerry." Asked to identify what he considers his greatest weakness, Edwards spoke at length:

Being so handsome makes people doubt I'm smart-- sort of like the stereotypical view of "dumb blonds," but I already have plans to counter that when I unveil the legal niceties of my proposal to solve the current controversy about marriage. There are already too many contexts in which there are "two Americas." Believe it or not, some people actually favor a "two Americas' solution to this problem-- in other words, one America of "same-sex marriage" and another America of "opposite-sex marriage," but my proposal is for a One America solution: "No-Sex Marriage." Now I don't advocate such arrangement for myself, but Bill Clinton has already proven the viability of the concept."

Dennis Kucinich, who's had little luck in his nationwide efforts to attract a girlfriend or potential mate, said, "I think there's too much emphasis on sex, so I think Edwards' proposal for 'No Sex' marriage is sound. In fact, many of my ex girl friends who rejected my proposals for marriage had said they would have accepted if I were to have proposed a "No Sex Marriage." This may get me in trouble with the entertainment industry and probably would blow any chance that Madonna might endorse me now that Clark is out of the race, but I firmly believe that once people give up sex, they'll find it easier to give up beefcake and cheesecake in favor of a Veganism. In fact, when I'm elected President, I'll establish a Department of Veganism as part of my larger proposal for a Department of Departments."

--Jim Wrenn, Editor@PoliSat.Com.

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