John Kerry's Achilles' Heel gets stuck in Wisconsin not by an arrow but by tar.

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Feb. 17, 2004 : PoliSat .Com's Political Satire/ Commentary* Daily Update # 01·· ™©·2004·(Home)·
*Where the satire is always commentary, but the commentary isn't always satire (but you'll know the difference)·
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John Kerry's Achilles' Heel gets stuck in Wisconsin not by an arrow but by tar.·

From the sounds of reports of this evening's results in today's Wisconsin Primary, the galloping sounds of John Kerry's Achilles' Heels may be on the verge of being drowned-out by the squishy sound of Galluping Tar Heels. Does Kerry have more to fear from his Achilles' Heels getting stuck in the tar than being struck by a political arrow? Is John Edwards the political version of Sea Biscuit? Is it now a race between Combat Boots and Sea Biscuit? Will Kerry's Achilles' Heel get stuck not by an arrow but by tar?

Arrows or Tar? Achilles' Heels or Tar Heels?·

Says Kerry, "With Botox I fard¹
for 'hunk-ness" while galloping hard,
but what are the sounds
of squishy-like pounds
behind me so close 'stead of far?

Says Edwards, "I've come from afar
by quietly Galluping hard
producing the sounds
of squishy-like pounds
by Gallups on hoof-heels of tar."

I needn't with Botox to fard
'cause Breck-ness is better by far
for charmin' the fillies,
so Heels of Achilles
get stuck not by arrows but tar.

PoliSat.Com's highly unreliable sources lurking around Kerry's Wisconsin headquarters overheard a panicky discussion of a variety of options for Kerry to resume his gallop with sufficient vigor (a Kennedyesque word) to drown-out the squishy sound of Edwards' Galluping Tar Heels. A former Dean campaign aide, who just joined the Kerry campaign, suggested that Kerry borrow Ben Jones' "General Lee" car with the Confederate Flag on its top, in which Jones (who starred in "The Dukes of Hazard") rode while campaigning as a Democratic candidate for Congress in Virginia in 2002. Chris Lehane, a clairvoyant interloper from the now-defunct Clark campaign, confidently predicted that such radical step wouldn't be necessary because he says he has "solid evidence that the Edwards campaign is on the verge of imploding," but he expressed doubts that he would be able to anonymously feed that type of rumor to Drudge again.

Kerry managed to avoid a flurry of questions from reporters asking whether Kerry will accept Edwards' challenge for a series of one-on-one debates. Soon afterward, PoliSat.Com's covert operatives overheard Kerry began practicing a "surprise" question to propound to Edwards at the end of the debate: "Senator Edwards, "How do you answer allegations -- not by me but by Republicans who play dirty-- that when you were in school while I was braving enemy gunfire to save my Band of Brothers, you played hooky, and when will you release your school attendance records?" Another aide questioned the wisdom of such approach and stressed the greater advantage of exposing Edwards as a member of one of the most hated groups in America-- lawyers.

In a speech gloating over his eleventh-hour surge in Wisconsin, Edwards reiterated one of his favorite campaign themes: "There are two Americas. One is my America, in which candidates for the Democratic nomination for President campaign against their fellow Democrats in a polite, civil, positive manner without slinging mud at Democratic opponents, and the other America in which my opponents sling mud at their opponents. In One America there is running water and toilet paper; in the other America, there are privies and corn cobs. We can do better. With the help of ordinary Americans, I will put a bidet in every privy in America."

--Jim Wrenn, Editor@PoliSat.Com.

¹·"Fard" means to apply cosmetics.·

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