Al Franken tackles heckler of Howard Dean in the New Hampshire Primary run-up to the Super Bowl.

Jan. 27, 2004: PoliSat .Com's Political Satire/ Commentary Daily Update # 01·· ™©·2004·(Home)·
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Al Franken tackles heckler of Howard Dean in the New Hampshire Primary run-up to the Super Bowl. ·

According to an article today in the New York Post, Al Franken "body slammed" a heckler at a Howard Dean rally. Franken said he's not a Dean supporter but that he tackled the heckler to shut him up in order to preserve free speech. Other witnesses disputed this explanation. According to PoliSat.Com's highly reliable (reliably high?) confidential sources, a number of witnesses said the man Franken tackled bore a striking resemblance to Bill O'Reilly. Other witnesses said Franken also threatened to tackle another man nearby for having just simply stood by during the heckling. (Reliable sources also say this other man bore a striking resemblance to Alan Colmes.) Franken's friend expressed concern that he might be sued for, and/or criminally prosecuted for, assault and battery.

After the incident, a number of witnesses asked what the man had been saying that sent Franken over the edge. No one could remember what the heckler had said, but all the witnesses agreed that Franken was quoting Howard Dean ("Aaauuuurrgggh") as he hurtled through the air to tackle the heckler.

According to PoliSat.Com's confidential sources, the incident has drawn such favorable attention from Free Speech Advocates that Franken is already contemplating a new book on the First Amendment (to be available for bulk-purchases by various activist groups) to be titled, Heckling Hecklers and the Tackling Tacklers Who Tackle Them. Meanwhile, Franken is fielding offers from both the New England Patriots and the Carolina Panthers to play tackle in the Super Bowl next Sunday.

PoliSat.Com has learned that when New England Patriot quarterback, Tom Brady (who tacitly showed support for Bush by attending the State of the Union speech in the VIP section for Laura Bush -- to the dismay of John Kerry), learned how aggressive Franken was in protecting someone Franken claimed to not be supporting, he demanded that the Patriots recruit Franken as a lineman to give him pass protection in the Super Bowl. However, since Franken claims to have acquired such skills as a wrestler, he may be better advised to await offers from one of those "professional" wrestling networks. Then, after the November 2004 election, he could challenge Dennis Hastert, a former wrestling coach, to a "smack-down" with Jesse Ventura as the referee.

Subsequent investigation has, however, cast doubt on whether the man was trying to "heckle" Dean or was instead trying to express support by chanting Dean's catchy slogan, "Aaauuurrrrggghhh."

Free Screech.·

While Franken attended a rally
for Dean he believed 'twas O'Reilly
whose words disrespecting
the Doctor with heckling
made Al choose to tackle "O'Reilly."

But later, the truth has been gleaned
from folks at the rally for Dean:
The man had appeared
to chant as a cheer
the "aaurrggh" as the trademark of Dean.

Rumors abound that the man will sue Franken for assault and battery. However, criminal prosecutors have already stated they would not file criminal charges because it would be too easy for Franken to prove the insanity defense. Meanwhile, Franken's friend has been trying to get him to enjoy the sobering effect of drinking a lot of (decaffeinated) coffee to perform 125 "Daily Affirmations," the secular equivalent of "Hail Marys." .

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