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Political Satire Daily Update © 2000
This page contains Daily Updates
for November 7, 2000 through December 31, 2000.  Updates for other time periods are in our Archives of Daily Updates.  For an Index of PoliSat Rhymes, go here.  Please be patient with our renovation in progress.  

Election 2000--The Ballad of Battles for Ballots.
(November 7, 2000 through December 31, 2000.)  
                    November the Seventh we went to the polls
                    to vote Bush or Gore in our citizen roles.
                    'Though most voted properly, some who were old
                    claimed they were too weak to punch chads through the holes.
                    Then early that evening while watching the news
                    we heard all the networks proclaiming their views.
                    They told us that Florida's polls were all closed
                    and said Gore's the one that Floridians chose.
                    And Florida Panhandlers planning to vote
                    gave up when they heard that the polls had been closed.
                    On learning the truth they all felt they'd been "had"
                    much more than the voters who didn't punch chads.
                    When Bush heard the networks proclaim Gore had won,
                    he called to complain, but the damage was done.
                    Then later the networks with egg on their face
                    proclaimed they were wrong and that Bush won the race.
                    So Gore made a call to George Dubya and said,
                    "I've called to concede since they say you're ahead."
                    On hearing reports of what Gore had just said,
                    most weary-eyed voters went straight to their beds.
                    While ev'ryone else was in bed for a snooze
                    Chris Matthews stayed "on" and so did Brit Hume
                    and shortly thereafter they said to us all
                    that on second thought it was too close to call.
                    So Gore called again to George Dubya by phone
                    and said, "My concession is hereby withdrawn."
                    But later that day-- on November the Eighth
                    a  Florida recount said Bush won the race.
                    Then bingo-hall voters who claimed they were tricked
                    said butterfly ballots mislabeled their picks.
                    And then on the Ninth, all the minions of Gore
                    claimed ballots not punched were intended for Gore.
                    And then on the Tenth the whole nation was told
                    that many Gore voters could not punch his hole.
                    But spokesmen for Bush said "More counts we don't need,
                    and we think it's time for Al Gore to concede."
                    Gore asked that those ballots be counted once more
                    but only in counties that voted for Gore.
                    Then claiming Gore didn't deserve his defeat,
                    his minions told voters to take to the streets.
                    In Palm Beach some lawyers were quick to recruit
                    some elderly voters for whom to file suit.
                    They claimed in their suit to contest the results
                    that butterfly ballot had made them screw-up.
                    Despite a big arrow to Albert Gore's hole
                    they voted Buchannan by punching his hole.
                    They whined and complained they were simply too old
                    to find the right place to punch Alpha Gore's hole.
                    November Eleventh James Baker announced
                    that he'd ask a court to enjoin the re-counts.
                    But Gore said, "No way, 'cause the best chance I have
                    is counting as votes all those dimples in chads."
                    But then on the Twelfth there arose more confusion
                    on how to count chads that were simply protrusions.
                    The Gore folks said dimples should always be votes,
                    but Dubya said "Not if a hole ain't been poked."
                    Then Katherine Harris expressed her own finding
                    that deadlines on Fourteen November were binding.
                    On Thirteen November the fed'ral court said
                    the case wasn't ripe to say chads can't be read.
                    The Fourteenth found Lewis, the state judge, opining
                    that Harris was right that the Fourteenth was binding.
                    He ruled that late recounts could surely be made
                    by counters in Broward and Palm Beach and Dade.
                    He also opined that they had the discretion
                    to count dimpled chad as a voter's selection
                    but ruled that the statute gave Harris discretion
                    to say if late recounts met rules for elections.
                    So, Harris told Broward and Palm Beach and Dade
                    to say why late recounts must surely be made
                    unless tabulations were shown to be wrong
                    or there was some proof of wrongdoing or fraud.
                    And then on the Fifteenth those counters explained
                    their reasons for counting the votes once again.
                    Their purpose in looking at chad was quite simple:
                    Determine intent when they're broken or dimpled.
                    Then later that day Katherine Harris announced
                    such reasons could not support further recounts.
                    And then on the Sixteenth the Supreme Court of Florida
                    said recounts in general can surely be ordered.
                    The rest of the day we were anxious and clue-less
                    while waiting to hear from the Judge Terry Lewis.
                    On Seventeen November Judge Lewis opined
                    that Katherine's decision did not cross the line.
                    But later that day the Supreme Court of Florida
                    said keep-on recounting 'til our further order
                    and told Katherine Harris "Do not certify
                    a winner while we try to make up our minds."
                    Then Florida's Senate and House did imply
                    the winner's an issue that they would decide
                    if Florida's Justices failed to compel
                    a ruling that's final December the Twelfth.
                    Injunctive requests the Republicans made,
                    but fed'ral court said it could not find a way
                    to order that hand-counting mustn't be done,
                    so hand-counts in Miami-Dade were begun.
                    On Monday we learned many armed forces ballots
                    were being excluded when postmarks were absent.
                    When Schwarzkopf proclaimed such exclusions outrageous,
                    't'was silence that Gore seemed to find advantageous.
                    On Tuesday the Florida Justices ruled
                    that Katherine Harris had broken the rules.
                    and then ordered her to allow five more days
                    for recounts in Broward and Palm Beach and Dade.
                    The court said she tried disenfranchising voters
                    to punish delays in the hand-counting totals,
                    and when the same court ordered recounts be made
                    but only in Broward and Palm Beach and Dade,
                    they disenfranchised all the rest of the state,
                    'cause Bush wouldn't ask them to recount the state.
                    Yet none of those Judges were even embarrassed
                    in doing the thing of which they accused Harris.
                    So recounts continued the rest of the week
                    as chads were mishandled and fondled and tweaked.
                    And during that week much confusion did reign
                    as counters flip-flopped in the chad-counting game.
                    Regarding the dimples on ballots with holes,
                    some clear contradictions began to unfold.
                    Palm Beach said those dimples should not count as votes,
                    but Broward said count them as party-line votes.
                    Bush challenged exclusions of armed-forces ballots,
                    and Gore said "me-too," but did not join the challenge.
                    On this issue Gore and Joe Lieberman knew
                    just how to eat cake and keep having it too.
                    When day twenty-two of November arrived
                    the counters in Miami-Dade did decide
                    to only count "undervote" ballots and tried
                    to do it in rooms where they thought they could hide.
                    But when some reporters and protesting yuppies
                    responded by shouting, complaining and fussing,
                    the dimple-chad counters in Miami-Dade
                    said recounts should not any longer made.
                    When day twenty-three of November arrived
                    the counters in Broward kept Gore's hopes alive
                    'cause they all kept working on Thanksgiving Day
                    to find ev'ry dimple "for Gore" they could say.
                    Since Dubya already had filed an appeal
                    that said changing laws was as bad as a steal,
                    the next day the U.S. Supreme Court announced
                    that it would decide if the law had been trounced
                    And meanwhile on day twenty-five of November
                    the hopes for Al Gore had become dying embers
                    in Palm Beach when estimates came to the fore
                    that there wouldn't be enough dimples for Gore.
                    The following day in the county of Broward
                    the totals were in from the dimple-chad counters.
                    The tally did not fill the counters with glee
                    because net-gains for Gore were just five-sixty-three.
                    In Palm Beach the counters called Harris and whined
                    that they couldn't finish the counting by five
                    and asked her to give them a few extra hours,
                    but she said the Court didn't give her the power.
                    A few hours later they finished the count
                    and tendered to Harris the final amount.
                    It wasn't just late, it was also too low
                    for Gore to pass Bush in the totals for votes.
                    So later that ev'ning Ms. Harris proclaimed
                    that Dubya had won in the hand-counting game.
                    And just when we thought we were nearing the end,
                    the next day Al Gore went to court once again.
                    And so in November on day twenty-seven
                    Gore's lawyers filed suit to contest the election.
                    Then N. Sanders Sauls was selected as judge,
                    who showed common-sense, which is rare for a judge.
                    And meanwhile the Florida Justices said
                    they'd hear whether butterfly ballots misled
                    all those elderly voters proclaiming such ballots
                    had made them punch chad through the hole for Buchannan.
                    And then in November on day twenty-eight
                    Judge Sauls ordered Palm Beach and Miami-Dade
                    to pack all their ballots in trucks right away
                    and send them to him with no further delay.
                    The next day in Palm Beach they packed them all up
                    to send them them to Sauls in a big Ryder truck.
                    The truck left Palm Beach on the very next day
                    with news channels showing it all of the way.
                    To those who were watching the coverage that day,
                    it seemed like a rerun of news of O.J.
                    And as a reprise on December's first day
                    they broadcast the convoy from Miami-Dade.
                    That same day the High Court of Florida ruled
                    there's no claim for voters the butterfly fooled,
                    then turned-down Gore's quest for emergency counts 
                    in Miami-Dade and Palm Beach and in Broward.
                    And also that day the U.S. Supreme Court
                    was hearing the lawyers for Dubya and Gore
                    on Dubya's request to enjoin the recounts
                    in Palm Beach and Miami-Dade and in Broward.
                    The Justices said at the end of the case
                    they'd make a decision in just a few days.
                    And meanwhile the case before Sauls was proceeding
                    as Gore tried to prove counting dimples was needed.
                    When Bush-lawyers questioned the experts for Gore
                    they left those opinions in shreds on the floor,
                    but somehow reporters just didn't perceive
                    how much those opinions were shredded indeed.
                    And then Dubya's expert on punch-card machines
                    showed Gore's expert's knowledge was not very keen.
                    He showed why chad-dimples should not count as votes,
                    but said it's not wrong to count loose-chad as votes.
                    Although what he said was a perfect description
                    of Florida law on the day of election,
                    One hearing the news would be clearly misled:
                    "A great Perry-Mason-type moment," they said.
                    December the third at the end of the case
                    Judge Sauls said he'd rule on the very next day.
                    However, by mid-day December the fourth
                    a U.S. Supreme Court decision came forth.
                    It vacated Florida's High Court decision
                    extending the time for the chad-counting missions.
                    To Florida's High Court it said "Find a way
                    to better explain what you wanted to say."
                    So N. Sanders Sauls then decided to wait
                    to study that case before having his say.
                    Then later that day the Judge came to the fore
                    and said he'd decided to rule against Gore.
                    With great common sense that is rarely dispensed
                    by so many judges who sit on the bench,
                    he gave the whole country a glimmer of hope
                    for climbing back up from the slippery slope.
                    He said that regarding a statewide election
                    to count just three counties ain't equal protection.
                    He showed Gore the way up the slippery slope:  
                    Abandon the claim that a dimple's a vote.
                    Declining the chance to show class by conceding
                    Gore filed an appeal to demand dimple-reading.
                    December the fifth all the Florida Justices
                    agreed to accept Gore's appeal from Sauls' clutches.
                    Although Gore's appeal asked for Sauls to be told
                    that dimpled-chads ought to be counted as holes,
                    he said that in Martin and Seminole counties
                    the court should exclude absentees that were counted.
                    December the sixth and the seventh, the Judges named Lewis and Clark
                    heard claims by some Al Gore supporters alleging conspiracies dark.
                    Both Democrats and the Republicans had absentee-ballot campaigns,
                    but each used a diff'rent procedure to reach a result quite the same.
                    The Democrat Party told voters to mail ballots back to the Party
                    so they could fix errors by voters and mail them without being tardy.
                    Republican Party instructions said mail them directly to court,
                    but forms they sent voters were found to contain mistakes of a clerical sort.
                    When errors were found by officials, their job was to contact the voters
                    for minor mistakes to be promptly corrected on forms from the absentee voters.
                    In Martin and Seminole counties the polling officials believed
                    that G-O-P errors could best be corrected by G-O-P workers indeed.
                    Both Lewis and Clark on December the eighth
                    refused to throw absentee ballots away.
                    Since both didn't want to have egg on their faces,
                    they both entered orders dismissing the cases.
                    But later that day by a vote four-to-three
                    the High Court of Florida entered the spree.
                    They said in all counties throughout the whole state
                    all under-votes have to be counted within the next three or four days.
                    On remand they ordered Judge N. Sanders Sauls:  
                    Make locals find dimples and hand-count 'em all.
                    But Sauls found this ruling so totally foolish,
                    he promptly responded, "Myself I'm recusing."
                    And so a new judge they selected to do it
                    and dumped the dead cat in the lap of Judge Lewis.
                    Then late on that evening he issued instructions
                    on Florida standards for hand-counting functions.
                    He said that the standards for hand-counting functions
                    were subject as always to local compunction.
                    Then local officials began on the ninth
                    to count ev'ry dimple in chad they could find.
                    The U.S. Supreme Court said later that day
                    for hand-counts to stop until they had their say.
                    The next day, December the tenth was a Sunday,
                    and hearings were set in the High Court on Monday.
                    On Monday the U.S. Supreme Court again
                    heard more about counting the dimples by hand.
                    While outside some chanters waived signs and made noise,
                    the Court heard the theories of Olson and Boise.
                    On Tuesday the Florida High Court proclaimed
                    that when it changed deadlines the law wasn't changed.
                    And those who believe it did not change the law
                    believe that in Brooklyn a bridge can be bought.
                    That same day the Florida High Court rejected
                    appeals to have absentee ballots ejected.
                    Then late on that evening the U.S. High Court
                    said unequal counting just cannot go on.
                    On thirteen December we heard from Al Gore
                    who graciously said what he should have before.
                    Then Bush said "Farewell" to a Texas joint session
                    and promised to heal a quite polarized nation.
                    On fourteen December the minions of Clinton
                    gave Dubya the keys to begin the transition
                    with so little time to fill many positions
                    with people to implement George Dubya's visions.
                    In contrast with Jackson who hollered and howled
                    we saw grace and class in the Gen'ral named Powell.
                    December sixteenth was a quite special day
                    when Dubya named Powell to run things at State.
                    And next in December on day seventeen
                    Bush added a name to the top of his team: 
                    For National Security expert advice
                    he picked a strong woman named Condoleezz Rice.
                    And then on the big day, December eighteenth
                    Electoral College electors convened.
                    Although the vote-margin has never been thinner,
                    when votes were all counted George Bush was the winner.
                    On nineteen December from ole Mexico
                    came greetings to Bush, "Esta hombre bueno."
                    December the twentieth, Bush then replied,
                    "With Latin America we will be allied."
                    And then in December on day twenty-one,
                    in Texas Bush told them, "As Gov'nor, I'm done."
                    The next day, reports on the popular vote
                    showed Al Gore had won by a half-million votes,
                    which left Albert Gore quite depressed by the knowledge
                    that Dubya had won the Electoral College.
                    The first time we bridged such political chasm
                    was in the election of John Quincy Adams.
                    And that was the first time America had
                    a President son of ex-president dad,
                    a man who was first to accomplish the feat
                    of serving just once and then facing defeat.
                    Now Dubya showed hist'ry can sometimes repeat
                    for dads who serve once and then suffer defeat,
                    then later rejoice when they see their own lads
                    be President sons with ex-president dads.
                    For Dubya the vic'tr'y was even more sweet
                    succeeding the man who brought Dad to defeat.
                    But Clinton proclaimed that Al Gore would have won
                    if Gore hadn't tried to away from him run.
                    On day twenty-three of December we shopped
                    while Dubya's transition was working non-stop.
                    And then to prepare for his best Christmas Eve
                    George Bush and his team took a needed reprieve.
                    On Christmas the Bushes were in a good mood
                    'til Jen had to have her appendix removed.
                    But then in December on day twenty-six,
                    the good news was Jenna was no longer sick.
                    And next in December on day twenty-seven
                    George Bush spent the day in a fisherman's heaven.
                    But catching no fish in his fish-catching mission,
                    the next day he focused again on transition.
                    And who did he name to make enemies wince?
                    Don Rumsfeld to serve as his man at Defense.
                    And meanwhile said Hill'ry, "I'm searching Dee Cee
                    to find classy housing deserving of me."
                    And then when December had three days to go,
                    she bought a big mansion on Embassy Row.
                    'Though some future neighbors said this will be good,
                    some others said "There goes the neighborhood."
                    On thirty December, the news of the day
                    gives no inspiration for something to say.
                    We almost are through
                    with Millennium Two.
                    Tomorrow we enter the very last day.
                    Today on the Even of Millennium Three
                    a quite simple question's occurring to me:
                    Will news-folks admit
                    last-year they were twits
                    to say Y2K started Three?
© 2000

Note regarding the 11-17-00 decision by the Florida Supreme Court ordering 
   Harris to allow recounts in Palm Beach, Broward and Miami-Dade:  The Florida 
   Supreme Court Justices hypocritically committed the very act for which their 
   opinion demonized Katherine Harris-- i.e., they said she "disenfranchised" voters 
   in those three counties by rejecting the late recounts to "punish" local officials for 
   negligently failing to timely decide to conduct such recounts, yet those same 
   Justices disenfranchised voters in the other 64 counties by failing to order a statewide 
   recount because during oral argument before them, the lawyers for Bush declined 
   their invitation for Bush to ask them to use their "extraordinary" powers of "equity" 
   to order a recount of the entire state.

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