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Political
Satire--Daily
Updates
© 2000
Archives of Daily
Updates for January, 2000:.
This page
contains Daily Updates for January,
2000. To go to our current
Daily Update Page, click here. To go to our Archives
of Daily Updates, click here.
2000-01-31 Daily Update
Polisat's Prediction for New Hampshire Vote
Bradley beats Gore; Bush overtakes McCain; Keyes overtakes Forbes; Bauer
disappears © 2000
2000-01-30 Daily Update
Gorespeak.
Deciph'ring the words of Al Gore
is really a
burdensome chore.
He speaks Clintonese
to those he must please
and seems to believe his own lore.
©
2000
2000-01-29 Daily Update
Gorephonics
(Gore's Homonyms--
an adaptation of Clinphonics):Gore: "I always supported a woman's
right to chews, but I didn't always remember to specify that my reason is that a
chew is less hazardous than a smoke, and those mint-flavored chews don't give
you the bad breath that smoking does. In fact, before I met Tipper, I
always gave my girlfriends those mint-flavored Beech-Nut Chews to get them off
Virginia Slims."
© 2000
2000-01-28 Daily Update
State of the Union of Entitlements and Votes
If proposals by Bill we enact,
big gov'ment would surely be back.
It's clear he would rather
make gov'ment Big Brother
to rule us with gover'ment hacks.
He called for campaign-law enforcement
as if he had shown good deportment.
If that's what he's for,
then he and Al Gore
should turn themselves in for enforcement.
© 2000
2000-01-27 Daily Update
What to expect in Clinton's State of the Union speech
tonight
The State of the Union address
Bill Clinton will use to profess
that all of his foes
created his woes
while he was just doing his best.
He'll try to imply they were wrong
in claiming he misused his dong.
He still doesn't get it,
so it's a sure bet it
will still
be his view that they're wrong.
His indecent action toward Jones
in asking that she mend his bone.
Gave her a right
to sue for such fright
that time when
he got her alone.
A law he had signed on harassment
required a defendant to answer
Questions designed
to show other times
that he might have
been a harasser.
Nevertheless he decided
to lie to the Judge who presided.
And then had the gall
to lie to us all
and then claimed such matters are private.
And just like his wife Hill'ry Rodham,
he wants us to think he's the victim.
Such arrogance shows
how little he knows
and still thinks
that he's better than Nixon.
© 2000
2000-01-26 Daily Update
Elian's Father Still Hiding Behind Grandmas' Dresses
On Elian, O'Reilly is right
to offer his father a flight.
As soon as he could,
a good father would
come here notwithstanding his
fright
© 2000
2000-01-25 Daily Update-02
From the Corn of Iowa to the Granite of New Hampshire
In Iowa Bill Bradley stumbled
but Gore in New
Hampshire will fumble.
For corn Gore is best
but Bradley's finesse
will
win in the Granite State Rumble.
In Iowa Dubya showed clout
in winning this round of the bout.
Forbes didn't win
or break Dubya's
chin but
suddenly Keyes has come out.
It's clear Keyes is the best debater
but focuses too much on Satyr.
His strong moral views
resound in the pews;
he's
Skywalker battling Darth Vader.
On freedom his views are the best--
much better than all of the rest
We need a teacher
but don't want a preacher
and
wish he knew when more is less.
© 2000
2000-01-25 Daily Update-01
Granny Behaves Like a Brother (Big Brother)
A good dad would get off his fanny,
but Elian's dad has sent Grannies.
And how did they act?
They met bureaucrats
instead of the boy in Miami.
© 2000
2000-01-20 Daily Update
Just Say "No" -- Hillary's Version
A questioner acting so hateful
dared ask me if I'd been unfaithful.
Of course I said "Know--
you don't need to
know"--
I'm glad he can't speak Clintonimble.
He asked me if I had smoked pot,
and I said to him "Surely knot."
It's not my fault
he thinks by default
that when I said
"knot" I meant "not."
I'm lucky that only my friends
can understand my Clintonyms.
I am so smart,
I fooled that old fart,
and everyone's
angry at him.
© 2000
2000-01-19 Daily Update
Bob Dole: The Real "Comeback Kid"
For freedom we know it's essential
to dissect political entrails.
We're glad that Bob Dole
now has a new role
as a reg'lar on Comedy Central
© 2000
2000-01-18 Daily Update
Hillary's Choice (of punishment for Bill)
Mrs. Clinton just gave us insight
on dealing with marital strife,
To punish ole' Bill,
her choice is she will
stay with him the rest of her life
© 2000
2000-01-17 Daily Update
To Honor the Dreamer's Dream
A far-sighted man with a dream
assembled a non-violent
team.
His message was great:
Don't tolerate hate;
the man with the message was
King.
Like Jefferson, King has his flaws,
but both served the most noble cause:
Advance human freedom
and challenge old kingdoms
when lesser men thought all was
lost.
The legacies left by those two
have given us all much to do:
For brotherhood strive,
keep freedom alive
to help their great dreams to come
true.
© 2000
2000-01-16 Daily Update
McCain's Observations About Commie-Speak ("up" is
"down," "front" is "back," etc.)
McCain says the words from Havana
are typical Communist manna.
Of course he is right
about Elian's plight--
on that issue he's top bananna.
But his views on cutting a tax,
sound more like old communist hacks--
'cause cuts for the rich
he call "benefits"
in class-warfare language
not facts.
© 2000
2000-01-15 Daily Update
What would a good dad do?
We all want the best for young Elian
whose mother has given him freedom,
but how could his father
reject every offer
for him to come here for his
son?
© 2000
2000-01-14 Daily Update
Danger of Good Intentions Plus Governmental Power
Regarding undisclosed financial incentives from the
White House to the entertainment media
to include government-approved, anti-drug themes in programs without identifying
such action
as being rewarded with government-controlled funds. (Story reported 1-13-00 and
1-14-00)
For laudable goals to be won,
we sometimes don't care how
it's done.
A dangerous way
is covertly
pay
for persuasion with government funds.
To those who won't listen to mother,
we all should be like a
big brother.
But secretive offers
from government
coffers
give birth to George Orwell's Big Brother.
Formulate public pronouncements,
Require public service
announcements,
but gov'ment should not
control
writers' plots
with secret financial enticements.
© 2000
2000-01-13 Daily Update
Hillary Clinton (Hillary Rodham?)
Hillary Clinton (Hillary Rodham?)
(Just
"Hillary"?) on the David Letterman
Show
As Letterman poked fun at Rodham,
she saw that her polls had hit bottom.
Her pollsters then said,
"You'll rise from the dead,
just go on his show and then top him."
Assembling a team of good writers,
and making them pull
two all-nighters.
They wrote her some gags
to have in her bag
but she also made some one-liners.
She showed us that she could learn how
to swing without hitting a foul.
In politics rough,
if wit were enough,
then Dole would be
President now.
© 2000
2000-01-03 Daily
Update through 2000-01-12 Daily Update
Satirist's brain succumbs to Y2K glitch
The rest of the world proved compliant,
but this writer's brain was defiant.
A few days were needed,
so he just retreated,
and now he returns to the lineup
© 2000
1900-01-02 Daily Update
Now that we know the feared Y2K computer-bug disaster
did not occur, we pause on this
2nd Day of
January, 1900, to present predictions for the
New Century based on a poll of all the recent
high-school graduates in America. Here
they are:
Teddy Roosevelt
will inspire Babe Ruth to carry a big stick
Woodrow Wilson
will lead America in solving the wheat-war in Europe by sending American Doughboys to settle the conflict
Einstein
will invent bagels before discovering the Theory of Relativity leading to
the special theory of relativity later refined by
Henny Youngman: "Take my mother-in-law, please
!."
Herbert Hoover
will invent the dam and then the damn vacuum-cleaner
Joseph Kennedy,
an Irish-American, will re-invent Scotch
Adolph Hitler
will die tragically as a misunderstood visionary rendered mentally unstable by Jesse Owens' shocking defeat of the
Arian Supermen, but near the end of the century, a closet-admirer of Hitler will seek
political revenge by joining forces with a Marxist in an effort to defeat an anti-Nazi wrestler.
Franklin Roosevelt
will put a chicken in every pot, and near the end of the century, a Southern-born President will put a
part in every chic.
Dwight Eisenhower,
an American mid-westerner, after hearing pleas on the British Broadcasting Corporation on behalf of
all British commoners, will develop Operation Over-Lord to use the English Channel
to popularize "d-day" rather than the stuffy "the day" pronunciation
theretofore demanded by British Royalty. Later in the century, as President, he will be the first to
discover ailments disproportionately prevalent in the military, which he will call the
"Military Industrial Complex," which will later become known
as the Vietnam Syndrome and then
later as the Gulf War Syndrome.
Winston Churchill
will invent the Iron Curtain to replace window-shades and will popularize menthol cigars, leading to an
American tobacco-belt town being named in his honor: Winston-Salem, North Carolina, but
late in the century, a Tobacco Curtain will replace the Iron Curtain.
Harry Truman
will become a renown chef by showing how to tolerate heat in the kitchen
John F. Kennedy
will be the first native of Camelot to be elected President.
Lyndon Johnson
will escalate and mismanage a war in Indochina and then achieve political absolution upon being
succeeded by Richard Nixon who will earn the scorn of all right-thinking Americans by
secretly bombing Camelot.
Richard Nixon
will be the first American politician to countenance, or try to cover-up, political dirty tricks unlike his
adversaries, who always traveled the moral and civic high-road in politics by buying votes
in the West Virginia primary, benefiting from post-mortem voting in Illinois, etc.
Gerald Ford
will mark the beginning of the decline of Michigan's power in football.
Jimmy Carter,
too timid and morally uptight to act-out the lust in his heart, will prepare the
way for a later President to wage a
sexual revolution against such puritanical values as marital fidelity.
Ronald Reagan,
an air-head actor, will become our most dangerous President:
He will rudely and undiplomatically accuse
the Soviet Union of being an "Evil Empire," pander to cold-war ideologues by a photo-op
speech in Berlin demanding that Gorbachev "tear down this wall," propose an
obviously impossible missile defense, stupidly claim that the way to "reduce" nuclear
weapons is to threaten to build more than our adversaries can build, and unfairly receive credit
for Mikhail Sergeyevic Gorbachev's visionary and wise dismantlement of the Soviet Union.
George Bush
will become President and resume the war against syntax initiated but left unfinished by Dwight Eisenhower, but
that war will lead to his defeat due to his being grossly misunderstood as a result of
his poor syntax in asserting, "Read my lips: ' No Newt axes.' "
Bill Clinton will
reprise the Kennedy mystique and paradoxically gain the unflinching support of soccer-moms by courageously
advocating time-tested but often distasteful methods of birth control.
George W. Bush
will defeat Al Gore in the end-of-the-century presidential race despite Bush repeatedly failing a variety of
general-knowledge tests such as being unable to identify: the inventor of the internet, the name of
the person serving as inspiration of the main character in that seminal American Literature
work ("Love Story"), the discoverer of the Love Canal (he incorrectly thought it was Bill
Clinton), the name of legislative author of the earned-income tax credit, and the name of
history's most-famous beta-male.
© 2000
2000-01-01 Daily Update
Thanks from the many to the few
It's quite a relief, yet strains our belief:
2,000 arrived with no
grief.
We know that fanatics
had planned to attack us
but good-guys prevented the
fracas.
From Churchill take cue,
his words to renew,
there's much owed by many to few
© 2000
This page
contains Daily Updates for January,
2000. To go to our current
Daily Update Page, click here. To go to our Archives
of Daily Updates, click here.
