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Political Satire--Daily Updates © 2000

Archives of Daily Updates for January, 2000:.
This page contains Daily Updates for January, 2000.  To go to our current Daily Update Page, click here.  To go to our Archives of Daily Updates, click here.

2000-01-31 Daily Update
Polisat's Prediction for New Hampshire Vote
Bradley beats Gore; Bush overtakes McCain; Keyes overtakes Forbes; Bauer disappears © 2000

2000-01-30 Daily Update
    Deciph'ring the words of Al Gore 
    is really a burdensome chore.
    He speaks Clintonese 
    to those he must please 
    and seems to believe his own lore. 
© 2000

2000-01-29 Daily Update
(Gore's Homonyms-- an adaptation of  Clinphonics):
Gore:  "I always supported a woman's right to chews, but I didn't always remember to specify that my reason is that a chew is less hazardous than a smoke, and those mint-flavored chews don't give you the bad breath that smoking does.  In fact, before I met Tipper, I always gave my girlfriends those mint-flavored Beech-Nut Chews to get them off Virginia Slims."
© 2000

2000-01-28 Daily Update
State of the Union of Entitlements and Votes
    If proposals by Bill we enact, 
    big gov'ment would surely be back.
    It's clear he would rather 
    make gov'ment Big Brother 
    to rule us with gover'ment hacks.
    He called for campaign-law enforcement 
    as if he had shown good deportment.
    If that's what he's for, 
    then he and Al Gore 
    should turn themselves in for enforcement. 

© 2000

2000-01-27 Daily Update What to expect in Clinton's State of the Union speech tonight

    The State of the Union address 
    Bill Clinton will use to profess
    that all of his foes 
    created his woes 
    while he was just doing his best.
    He'll try to imply they were wrong 
    in claiming he misused his dong.
    He still doesn't get it, 
    so it's a sure bet it 
    will still be his view that they're wrong.

    His indecent action toward Jones 
    in asking that she mend his bone.
    Gave her a right 
    to sue for such fright 
    that time when he got her alone.
    A law he had signed on harassment 
    required a defendant to answer
    Questions designed 
    to show other times 
    that he might have been a harasser.

    Nevertheless he decided 
    to lie to the Judge who presided.
    And then had the gall 
    to lie to us all 
    and then claimed such matters are private.
    And just like his wife Hill'ry Rodham, 
    he wants us to think he's the victim.
    Such arrogance shows 
    how little he knows 
    and still thinks that he's better than Nixon.

© 2000

2000-01-26 Daily Update
Elian's Father Still Hiding Behind Grandmas' Dresses
    On Elian, O'Reilly is right 
    to offer his father a flight.
    As soon as he could, 
    a  good father would 
    come here notwithstanding his fright 
© 2000

2000-01-25 Daily Update-02
From the Corn of Iowa to the Granite of New Hampshire
    In Iowa Bill Bradley stumbled 
    but Gore in New Hampshire will fumble.
    For corn Gore is best 
    but Bradley's finesse 
    will win in the Granite State Rumble.
    In Iowa Dubya showed clout 
    in winning this round of the bout.
    Forbes didn't win 
    or break Dubya's 
    chin but suddenly Keyes has come out.

    It's clear Keyes is the best debater 
    but focuses too much on Satyr.
    His strong moral views 
    resound in the pews; 
    he's Skywalker battling Darth Vader.
    On freedom his views are the best-- 
    much better than all of the rest
    We need a teacher 
    but don't want a preacher 
    and wish he knew when more is less.

© 2000

2000-01-25 Daily Update-01
Granny Behaves Like a Brother (Big Brother)
    A good dad would get off his fanny, 
    but Elian's dad has sent Grannies.
    And how did they act?  
    They met bureaucrats 
    instead of the boy in Miami.

© 2000

2000-01-20 Daily Update
Just Say "No" -- Hillary's Version
    A questioner acting so hateful 
    dared ask me if I'd been unfaithful.
    Of course I said "Know-- 
    you don't need to know"-- 
    I'm glad he can't speak Clintonimble.
    He asked me if I had smoked pot, 
    and I said to him "Surely knot."
    It's not my fault 
    he thinks by default 
    that when I said "knot" I meant "not."

    I'm lucky that only my friends 
    can understand my Clintonyms.
    I am so smart, 
    I fooled that old fart, 
    and everyone's angry at him.
© 2000

2000-01-19 Daily Update
Bob Dole:  The Real "Comeback Kid"
    For freedom we know it's essential 
    to dissect political entrails.
    We're glad that Bob Dole 
    now has a new role 
    as a reg'lar on Comedy Central 
© 2000

2000-01-18 Daily Update
Hillary's Choice (of punishment for Bill)
    Mrs. Clinton just gave us insight 
    on dealing with marital strife, 
    To punish ole' Bill, 
    her choice is she will 
    stay with him the rest of her life 
© 2000

2000-01-17 Daily Update
To Honor the Dreamer's Dream
    A far-sighted man with a dream 
    assembled a non-violent team.
    His message was great:  
    Don't tolerate hate; 
    the man with the message was King.
    Like Jefferson, King has his flaws, 
    but both served the most noble cause:
    Advance human freedom 
    and challenge old kingdoms 
    when lesser men thought all was lost.

    The legacies left by those two 
    have given us all much to do: 
    For brotherhood strive, 
    keep freedom alive 
    to help their great dreams to come true. 
© 2000

2000-01-16 Daily Update
McCain's Observations About Commie-Speak ("up" is "down," "front" is "back,"  etc.)
    McCain says the words from Havana 
    are typical Communist manna.
    Of course he is right 
    about Elian's plight-- 
    on that issue he's top bananna.
    But his views on cutting a tax, 
    sound more like old communist hacks--
    'cause cuts for the rich 
    he call "benefits" 
    in class-warfare language not facts. 

© 2000

2000-01-15 Daily Update
What would a good dad do?
    We all want the best for young Elian 
    whose mother has given him freedom,
    but how could his father 
    reject every offer 
    for him to come here for his son? 
© 2000

2000-01-14 Daily Update
Danger of Good Intentions Plus Governmental Power
Regarding undisclosed financial incentives from the White House to the entertainment media to include government-approved, anti-drug themes in programs without identifying such action as being rewarded with government-controlled funds. (Story reported 1-13-00 and 1-14-00)
    For laudable goals to be won, 
    we sometimes don't care how it's done.
    A dangerous way 
    is covertly pay 
    for persuasion with government funds.
    To those who won't listen to mother, 
    we all should be like a big brother.
    But secretive offers 
    from government coffers 
    give birth to George Orwell's Big Brother.

    Formulate public pronouncements, 
    Require public service announcements,
    but gov'ment should not 
    control writers' plots 
    with secret financial enticements.
© 2000

2000-01-13 Daily Update
Hillary Clinton (Hillary Rodham?)
Hillary Clinton (Hillary Rodham?)
(Just "Hillary"?) on the David Letterman Show
    As Letterman poked fun at Rodham, 
    she saw that her polls had hit bottom.
    Her pollsters then said, 
    "You'll rise from the dead,
    just go on his show and then top him."
    Assembling a team of good writers, 
    and making them pull two all-nighters.
    They wrote her some gags 
    to have in her bag 
    but she also made some one-liners.

    She showed us that she could learn how 
    to swing without hitting a foul.
    In politics rough, 
    if wit were enough, 
    then Dole would be President now.
© 2000

2000-01-03 Daily Update through 2000-01-12 Daily Update
Satirist's brain succumbs to Y2K glitch
    The rest of the world proved compliant, 
    but this writer's brain was defiant.
    A few days were needed, 
    so he just retreated, 
    and now he returns to the lineup 
© 2000

1900-01-02 Daily Update
 Now that we know the feared Y2K computer-bug disaster did not occur, we pause on this
2nd Day of January, 1900, to present predictions for the New Century based on a poll of all the recent high-school graduates in America.  Here they are:

Teddy Roosevelt will inspire Babe Ruth to carry a big stick
Woodrow Wilson will lead America in solving the wheat-war in Europe by sending American Doughboys to settle the conflict
Einstein will invent bagels before discovering the Theory of Relativity leading to the  special theory of relativity later refined by Henny Youngman:  "Take my mother-in-law, please !."
Herbert Hoover will invent the dam and then the damn vacuum-cleaner
Joseph Kennedy, an Irish-American, will re-invent Scotch
Adolph Hitler will die tragically as a misunderstood visionary rendered mentally unstable by Jesse Owens' shocking defeat of the Arian Supermen, but near the end of the century, a closet-admirer of Hitler will seek political revenge by joining forces with a Marxist in an effort to defeat an anti-Nazi wrestler.
Franklin Roosevelt will put a chicken in every pot, and near the end of the century, a Southern-born President will put a part in every chic.
Dwight Eisenhower, an American mid-westerner, after hearing pleas on the British Broadcasting Corporation on behalf of all British commoners, will develop Operation Over-Lord to use the English Channel to popularize "d-day" rather than the stuffy "the day" pronunciation theretofore demanded by British Royalty.  Later in the century, as President, he will be the first to discover ailments disproportionately prevalent in the military, which he will call the "Military Industrial Complex," which will later become known         as the Vietnam Syndrome and then later as the Gulf War Syndrome.
Winston Churchill will invent the Iron Curtain to replace window-shades and will popularize menthol cigars, leading to an American tobacco-belt town being named in his honor: Winston-Salem, North Carolina, but late in the century, a Tobacco Curtain will replace the Iron Curtain.
Harry Truman will become a renown chef by showing how to tolerate heat in the kitchen
John F. Kennedy will be the first native of Camelot to be elected President.
Lyndon Johnson will escalate and mismanage a war in Indochina and then achieve political absolution upon being succeeded by Richard Nixon who will earn the scorn of all right-thinking Americans by secretly bombing Camelot.
Richard Nixon will be the first American politician to countenance, or try to cover-up, political dirty tricks unlike his adversaries, who always traveled the moral and civic high-road in politics by buying votes in the West Virginia primary, benefiting from post-mortem voting in Illinois, etc.
Gerald Ford will mark the beginning of the decline of Michigan's power in football.
Jimmy Carter, too timid and morally uptight to act-out the lust in his heart, will prepare the way for a later President to wage a sexual revolution against such puritanical values as marital fidelity.
Ronald Reagan, an air-head actor, will become our most dangerous President:  He will rudely and undiplomatically accuse the Soviet Union of being an "Evil Empire," pander to cold-war ideologues by a photo-op speech in Berlin demanding that Gorbachev "tear down this wall," propose an obviously impossible missile defense, stupidly claim that the way to "reduce" nuclear weapons is to threaten to build more than our adversaries can build, and unfairly receive credit for Mikhail Sergeyevic Gorbachev's visionary and wise dismantlement of the Soviet Union.
George Bush will become President and resume the war against syntax initiated but left unfinished by Dwight Eisenhower, but that war will lead to his defeat due to his being grossly misunderstood as a result of his poor syntax in asserting, "Read my lips:  ' No       Newt axes.' "
Bill Clinton will reprise the Kennedy mystique and paradoxically gain the unflinching support of soccer-moms by courageously advocating time-tested but often distasteful methods of birth control.  
George W. Bush will defeat Al Gore in the end-of-the-century presidential race despite Bush repeatedly failing a variety of general-knowledge tests such as being unable to identify:  the inventor of the internet, the name of the person serving as inspiration of the main character in that seminal American Literature work ("Love Story"),  the discoverer of the Love Canal (he incorrectly thought it was Bill Clinton), the name of legislative author of the earned-income tax credit, and the name of history's most-famous beta-male.
© 2000

2000-01-01 Daily Update
Thanks from the many to the few
    It's quite a relief, yet strains our belief:  
    2,000 arrived with no grief.
    We know that fanatics 
    had planned to attack us 
    but good-guys prevented the fracas.
    From Churchill take cue, 
    his words to renew, 
    there's much owed by many to few  
© 2000

This page contains Daily Updates for January, 2000.  To go to our current Daily Update Page, click here.  To go to our Archives of Daily Updates, click here.