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Political Satire--Daily Updates.

Archives of Daily Updates for December, 1999:.
This page contains the Daily Updates for December, 1999.  To go to the current Daily Update Page, click here; to go to the Archives of Daily Updates, click here.)

1999-12-24 through 1999-12-31 Daily Update
Everyone-- including political satirists -- needs a vacation now and then

1999-12-23 Daily Update

Clinton's unwitting self-satire in interview by Larry King aired 12-23-99: 
As for former consultant Dick Morris, who resigned from Clinton's 1996 campaign after revelations of his relationship with a prostitute and went on to be a commentator on Fox News, Clinton said: "A lot of the things that he has said he knows downright aren't true and I feel bad for him, because I think you pay a terrible political price when you do that over and over and over again." (Source)(Emphasis added.)

1999-12-22 Daily Update
Hillary Maintains Kind-Spirited Campaign 
(CNN/Associated Press Report 12-22-99)
Continuing her noble, kind-spirited campaign on Wednesday, Dec. 22, 1999, Hillary Rodham Clinton said that Rudolph Giuliani  "gets angry very often...."   Stressing her kindler, gentler form of campaigning, she said, "I don't see the point in getting angry all the time and expending all the energy when we could be figuring out a better way to take care of people...."  Billy Dale could not be reached for comment, but Giuliani -- reached for comment while savagely beating a helpless seeing-eye dog for a blind homeless person-- paused long enough to scream, "I don't get angry !!!"

1999-12-21 Daily Update
Hillary Supports MADD
To inject new life into her senatorial campaign, Hillary Clinton attended a MADD rally to help inaugurate a new bumper-sticker campaign.  Yet, the First Lady seemed genuinely shocked upon the unveiling of the bumper sticker, which read "Wives Don't Let Husbands Dork Damsels," at which point she realized that through a staff mistake, she'd been directed to an anti-Clinton rally by Madams Against Dorking Damsels.

1999-12-20 Daily Update
GoreSpeak Response to Town-Hall Question About Juanita Brodderick 
(Gore is a Magna Cum Laude graduate of the Sandy Berger School of Verbal Cryptology.)
    Oooo, eeeee, oooo, aahhh, aahhh, 
    teeng, tang, walla-walla bing-bang
    Oooo, eeeee, oooo, aahhh, aahhh, 
    teeng, tang, walla-walla bang-bang

1999-12-19 Daily Update
The "Debate" Debate Between Elbow Bradley & Alpha Gore on "Meet the Press"
(tune of I can do anything better than you.)
    I think your ads are much meaner than mine are !  
    Oh, no, it's yours that are meaner than mine !
    No, they're not ! Yes, they are !  No, they're not !  
    Yes, they are !  Yes, they are !  Yes, they are ! 
    I think your ads are much meaner than mine are !  
    Oh, no, it's yours that are meaner than mine !
    No, they're not ! Yes, they are !  No, they're not !  
    Yes, they are !  Yes, they are !  Yes, they are ! 
© 1999

1999-12-18 Daily Update

Bradley/Gore Debate--Dueling Promises
    I can do anything you can do better, 
    I can do anything better than you.
    I'll have the gov'ment grant all voters' wishes, 
    I'll promise more to all voters than you.
    No, you can't !  Yes, I can !  No, you can't !  
    Yes, I can !  Yes, I can !  Yes I can !
    I'll make sure no one must sneeze without tissues;  
    No one should have to have snot on his face
    I'll have the gov'ment prevent constipation;  
    I'll make sure no one has strain on his face
    No, you can't !  Yes, I can !  No, you can't !  
    Yes, I can !  Yes, I can !  Yes I can !
    I'll have a program to stop runny noses, 
    this will give parents more quality time
    I'll give protection from all of life's bruises, 
    I'll make sure there are no mountains to climb.
    No, you can't !  Yes, I can !  No, you can't !  
    Yes, I can !  Yes, I can !  Yes I can !
    I'll make sure no one gridlocked in traffic, 
    Going to work should be fun, not a chore
    I've just invented a fix for that problem, 
    I'll call them bikes, an invention by Gore
    No, you can't !  Yes, I can !  No, you can't !  
    Yes, I can !  Yes, I can !  Yes I can !
© 1999

1999-12-17 Daily Update
Clintons' Letter to Santa Claus:  
"All we want for Christmas is our legal fees"

    All we want for Christmas is our legal fees, 
    our legal fees, our legal fees.
    All we want for Christmas is our legal fees, 
    so we can wish you Merry Christmas.
1999-12-16 Daily Update

Bradley/McCain debate in NH
    We talk campaign finance reform 
    as if you were yesterday born.
    We'll stop the PACS 
    and let bureaucrats 
    say who can say what and to whom.
© 1999

1999-12-15 Daily Update
Renaissance Man:  The Amazing Alpha Gore--  
Inventor, Discoverer, Originator

    There was a Vee-POTUS named Gore, 
    a Renaissance Man and much more.
    We'd all be quite broke 
    if not for this bloke, 
    'cause saving the world is a chore.
    Inventor of our internet, 
    the Web he did surely beget.
    He rallied the Hill 
    while flaking for Bill 
    for having the best intern yet.

    He's from Tennessee but no bumpkin, 
    whose mission is saving the country.
    He found Love Canal, 
    but so did his pal ...  
    way back in that old White-House pantry.
    He fathered the earned-income credit 
    a year before being elected.
    He does deeds sublime 
    by traveling in time 
    'cause E-M-C-square he perfected.

© 1999

1999-12-14 Daily Update
"Justice" Marches On
..(Judge to decide defense motion in Linda Tripp case on 12-14-99).
    A single-mom worker named Tripp 
    was told Willey's breasts Clinton gripped.
    And then Clinton's lawyer 
    said "Linda's a liar" 
    and said she should button her lip.
    Pursuant to orders on high, 
    Lewinsky urged Linda to lie.
    Tripp knew that false witness 
    is criminal business 
    and said "I ain't casting that die."

    And knowing she needed some proof, 
    she had to behave like a sleuth.
    When up against liars 
    and evidence-buyers, 
    you have to have proof of the truth.
    She thought that a zone of her own 
    was talk on her own telephone.
    She had to preserve 
    the sound of those words 
    on tape as the proof of her own.

    When Clinton got slapped on the wrist 
    as though it were all about trysts.
    His friends down the line 
    charged Linda with crimes 
    to grant Clinton's get-even wish.
    As proof that they don't know the score, 
    the soccer moms hate Linda more.
    It's girl-talk they treasure 
    beyond any measure 
    and that's why they side with the whore.

    So what can the rest of us do 
    to get Linda out of this zoo?
    Send her some money -- 
    it wouldn't be funny -- 
    to let Clinton's wishes come true.
    While we all enjoy Christmas Cheer, 
    that poor girl is living in fear.
    We shouldn't wait 
    or leave her to fate, 
    so help her by clicking right here.

© 1999.

1999-12-13 Daily Update
Monday Night Debates
Is Bush full of mush?  McCain causing pain?  Forbes in the horde?  Bauer in a tower?  Keyes a big breeze?  Hatch a good catch?  How will we rate tonight's big debate?  They'll all feign elation and tell the whole nation they bested the press expectations!.
© 1999.

1999-12-12 Daily Update
Gliche day-- Editor
1999-12-09 Daily Update
Millennium Education Project
    Most think the Mill-en-i-um  
    begins on Two-Thousand's Day One 
    It seems the whole nation 
    can't do computation 
    to know it starts Two-Thousand-One
    How did it all come to pass 
    that no one knows how to do math?
    With all that we spend 
    on teaching, my friend, 
    you'd think that the knowledge would last.

    So how can we re-educate 
    all those who can't figure the date?
    An answer that's right 
    can be found at a site,
    just click here and you're on your way 
© 1999.

1999-12-08 Daily Update
The Gail Sheehy Horse
Gail Sheehy can talk 'till she's hoarse 
    pretending that "Hillary's Choice"
    Is just a display 
    of Hill's feet of clay, 
    but we know it's a big Trojan Horse 
© 1999.

1999-12-07 Daily Update
Ode to Mars Polar Lander
Designed by our best and our brightest, 
    a robot designed to excite us.
    You couldn't arrange 
    to deal with a change ... 
    you ain't got the stuff that is rightest. 
© 1999.

1999-12-06 Daily Update
McCain's Refrain
(after releasing his medical records):  
I'm okay but are they?

Now that I've proved that I'm sane, 
    the others should now do the same.
    Or are they too lazy 
    to prove they ain't crazy?  
    Or maybe their brains are just lame. 
© 1999.

1999-12-05 Daily Update
McCain Proves He's Sane
A pundit said there's a campaign 
    to make people think I'm insane.
    The pundit named Drew 
    said more than she knew 
    according to those that she named.
    But nevertheless I've decided 
    to keep me from being derided,
    release of my files 
    and my affable smile 
    will satisfy those undecided. 

© 1999.

1999-12-04 Daily Update
MPL Please Phone Home
We wait for the Mars Polar Lander 
    to send us from Mars a new gander.
    We wait for its feats 
    on the edge of our seats 
    and try not to get up our dander.
    While keeping our fingers all crossed 
    with hope that the mission's not lost,
    we must keep apace 
    our progress in space 
    'cause failures are part of the cost. 

© 1999.

1999-12-03 Daily Update
What's good for the goose ...
    Bill Bradley says "Oh, what a shame 
    that Gore is besmirching my name."
    "It just isn't fair 
    to say I don't care, 
    as if I were Bush or McCain" 
© 1999.

1999-12-02 Daily Update
What you see is what you'll get
The media claims there's a storm 
    for campaign financing reform.
    They claim they'll present 
    each campaign event 
    but sound-bites remain as the norm 

© 1999.

1999-12-01 Daily Update

Chris, you know better !
    Chris Matthews is not a "know-nothing," 
    so why is he huffing and puffing ... 
    That tax cuts "give" more 
    to rich than to poor 
    when he knows cut "nothing" "gives" nothing. 

© 1999.

This page contains the Daily Updates for December, 1999.  To go to the current Daily Update Page, click here; to go to the Archives of Daily Updates, click here.)