Nov. 1, 2004 #01:  Political Satire/Commentary where satire is always commentary but commentary isn't always satire™ (but we're confident you'll know the difference)  Search PoliSat.Com Home  Tell a friend about PoliSat.Com    Subscribe   Permanent link to this installment in PoliSat.Com's Archives    Google-News list of recent updates    About author, Jim Wrenn.

Osama bin Laden thinks he's scared us into doing what he can't: Defeat Bush, but voters will prove him wrong and reject John Kerry's "nuanced" claim that Osama "wants" Bush to win.

            Osama bin Laden a.k.a. Usama bin Laden thinks he's intimidated Americans into doing what he can't do:  Defeat Bush.  Tomorrow, American voters will decisively prove him wrong.  As American voters prepare for tomorrow's election, there are three campaign "commercials" most likely to be occupying their minds.  One is a video-taped commercial from bin Laden as "the Sheik" (pronounced "shake") of Islamic Totalitarian Terror.  The second is an ad from John Kerry expressing a "nuanced" theory that bin Laden made the tape for the purpose of trying to promote the reelection of Bush (to help bin Laden improve recruitment of fanatics to his "cause") by pretending to oppose him while secretly fearing a victory by Kerry.  The third is an ad from Bush expressing the common-sense basis upon which American voters will decisively prove bin Laden wrong and likewise decisively reject John Kerry's "nuanced" theory that bin Laden really wants Bush to win.  Here are the transcripts of those three commercials:

            My name is bin Laden, "the Sheik" who's hoping to claim that my tape defeated George Bush with buttons I pushed recording my threats to the States.  I'm John, hoping voters will view the tape of bin Laden as proof that Dubya has failed in missions to nail bin Laden by out-sourced pursuit... Like me, with great nuance they'll view his trashing of Bush as a ruse in hopes they'll retain the one he most blames but views as a tool for recruits.  I'm Bush saying voters will view the tape by bin Laden as proof he harbors the hope like Spaniards they'll vote for change, but bin Laden will lose.

Three Final Ads by bin Laden, Kerry and Bush in Campaign 2004.

My name is bin Laden, "the Sheik"
who's hoping to claim that my tape
defeated George Bush
with buttons I pushed
recording my threats to the States.

I'm John, hoping voters will view
the tape of bin Laden as proof
that Dubya has failed
in missions to nail
bin Laden by out-sourced pursuit.

Like me, with great nuance they'll view
his trashing of Bush as a ruse
in hopes they'll retain
the one he most blames
but views as a tool for recruits.

I'm Bush saying voters will view
the tape by bin Laden as proof
he harbors the hope
like Spaniards they'll vote
for change, but bin Laden will lose.

            Polls released early today (November 1, 2004) describe the race as a dead heat.  The pro-Kerry pundits claim the polls understate the magnitude of Kerry's support because they don't include all the young voters with cell phones but no land-lines who've drunk the MTV Rock-the-Vote Kool Aid.  Perhaps, but not likely.  Most voters are more likely to embrace the common-sense understanding that bin Laden wants Bush to lose and that terrorists throughout the world would view such loss as a bugle of retreat by the United States in the war against Islamic Totalitarianists than to embrace the "nuanced" theory being advanced by the Kerry campaign that bin Laden secretly wants Bush to "win" to help bin Laden recruit more fanatics to his cause.  Most voters remember 9-11 as proof of the speciousness of such "nuanced" theory.

            Voters thinking about their children and grandchildren in weighing Bush's long-term vision for the future against the narrow self-interests to which Kerry has appealed and the self-contradictory arguments he makes in hindsight will vote for Bush.  Voters unable to see past temporary, tactical setbacks in a long-term strategy will vote against Bush (by voting "for" Kerry) just as like-minded, short-sighted voters would have voted against Franklin Roosevelt in the 1944 election if his opponent were to have characterized the carnage on D-Day (and the Battle of the Bulge if it were to have occurred three months earlier) as proof that Eisenhower, Roosevelt and Churchill were "stupid" for having rejected the strategy proposed by our "best General," George Patton, for invading Europe at  Pas-de-Calais.  I predict the voters will decisively reelect Bush.

--Jim Wrenn, Editor at PoliSat.Com.

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