Sept. 28, 2004 #01Political Satire/Commentary where satire is always commentary but commentary isn't always satire 
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Exposé of Kerry Campaign's activities to undermine Australian military support of our troops in Iraq forces John Kerry to practice disguising Simultaneous Flip-Flop as "intellectually nuanced" position  using "naked assertion" technique Dan Rather pioneered for CBS News' 60 Minutes as MemoGate (a.k.a. RatherGate).

            PoliSat.Com has learned that the Bush campaign will soon incorporate into campaign commercials the startling information about John Kerry's overseas campaigns to organize absentee voting for Kerry by Americans residing abroad as revealed in Charles Krauthammer's September 24, 2004, column (here).  According to Krauthammer, Kerry's sister, Diana, is running the absentee-voter campaign for Kerry in Australia, and in doing so, is providing vocal support for, and receiving vocal support from, Mark Latham, who's seeking to unseat Australia's current Prime Minister, John Howard, in the October 9, 2004, election in Australia by promising to withdraw Australian troops from Iraq.  

            Kerry has made it a cornerstone of his campaign to claim (a) that "foreign leaders" want him to defeat Bush and (b) that if he were elected, "more foreign leaders" would "support" our efforts in Iraq and thus reduce the burden on our troops.  The Kerry Campaign's Rapid Response Team is already anticipating that the Bush Campaign will characterize such activity by Kerry's operatives in Australia as not only undermining a cornerstone of Kerry's campaign but also undermining the security of our troops by trying to encourage a currently staunch military ally to withdraw.  

            Under authority of the top secret Private Patriot Act Covert Surveillance System, PoliSat.Com used its high-tech, remote-sensing capabilities to monitor discussions inside the Kerry Campaign's Rapid Response Team on how to respond to such criticism.   The Team quickly settled on two strategies:  First, they began preparing a campaign commercial to explain how people not as stupid as George W. Bush and his supporters are able to understand the "intellectually nuanced" explanation of how it would actually increase security for our troops in Iraq if one of our staunchest allies were to withdraw its troops supporting them.  (For this part of the strategy, they all quickly agreed that only Ted Kennedy or John Kerry himself had the capacity to make such argument with a straight face.Second, they began working on a second commercial to characterize the anticipated criticism by the Bush Campaign as a "conspiracy" to "attack" John Kerry's "patriotism."   (For this part, they all quickly agreed that only Dan Rather could make such patently illogical assertion with a straight face, so they sent a covert message to Mary Mapes at SeeBS requesting her assistance in arranging for Dan to covertly "coach" Kerry on how to make such patently illogical assertions with a straight face.) 

            As Kerry's Rapid Response Team began working on the first strategy, they quickly realized that it would require Kerry to perform what has heretofore been considered impossible:  a Simultaneous Flip-Flop.  It's an extremely dangerous maneuver requiring the candidate to turn himself inside-out while simultaneously expressing opposing views through his two major orifices.  Most politicians who have attempted this have only completed half the maneuver, which leaves them blinded by the inability of their eyes to see through their stomachs.  Even though Kerry has already demonstrated the ability to simultaneously speak through both orifices, he has not yet demonstrated the ability to do so while turned inside-out.

            Using our state-of-the-art capabilities, we managed to electronically intercept a transmission of the video/audio files for such commercial from the Kerry Rapid Response Team to Kerry Campaign Headquarters.  However, it appears that during that transmission, a slice of audio and video from the Bush Campaign became attached to the end of the Kerry commercial.  Here it is:

Title of Kerry Campaign Commercial:
Simultaneous Contradictions are Not "Flip-Flops"
(Take Number One)

Intellectually Nuanced Subtitle:  
How Australian retreat would help America's Troops.

Hello, I'm the candidate Kerry
prepared to debate without erring
with Dubya about
his absence of doubt
on tactics for terror deterring.

To voters I'm ready to pitch
my plan which I've named "bait & switch."
It's dovishly hawkish
and hawkishly dovish,
so foes never know which is which.

I first must assume the position
required to achieve the condition
for showing the laity
that simultaneity
negates "flip-flop" names for positions.

Confusing our foes with this pitch
has one minor flaw, I'll admit.
My dual disguise
makes voters surmise
that I'm never sure which is which.

So voters can learn which is which
among many nuances pitched,
I hereby provide
examples derived
from tactics I call 'bait & switch."

As "bait," I contend I'd recruit
more allies than Bush could recruit,
then switch to a pitch
for allies to ditch
the strategy Bush has pursued.

I list, for example, Australia,
where Latham calls Howard a failure
for helping Bush whack
Saddam from Iraq
with help of some troops from Australia.

My active campaign in Australia
with absentee Yanks in Australia
supports Latham's plan
to promptly disband
support for the Yanks by Australia.

That forthcoming vote in Australia--
October the 9th in Australia
will choose whether Howard
or Latham's empowered
as Minister, Prime, for Australia.

So-what if my "ops" in Australia
help Latham make Howard a failure?
So-what if that means
that Latham would scheme
retreat from Iraq by Australia?

To critics who'd claim this refutes
my claim that more help I'd recruit,
since Howard is not
my pal, like Chirac,
so-what if the Aussies withdrew?

I say to those doubting my plan
for more allies giving a hand
that Kofi and Jacques
and Gerhardt would stop
complaining and give us a hand.

.... static .... fade-out/in transition....

Excuse me, I'm Dubya whose plan
is not mocking friends lending hands
and surely not trusting
your "friends" merely lusting
for "clapping" as "giving a hand."

            As the sounds of clapping fade, one can still hear the faint sound of a Dan-Rather-like voice saying, "I still think withdrawal of Australian troops would strengthen, not weaken, international support for our troops in Iraq."

--Jim Wrenn, Editor@PoliSat.Com


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