Political abuse emulates prisoner abuse as Senators summon Don Rumsfeld for inquisition; John Kerry says "Unlike George Bush, I will not be the last to know what's going-on in my command"; Kerry says he would overhaul the militarychain of command.

May 6, 2004: #01 Political Satire/Commentary where satire is always commentary but commentary isn't always satire™
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Political abuse emulates prisoner abuse as Senators summon Don Rumsfeld for inquisition; John Kerry says "Unlike George Bush, I will not be the last to know what's going-on in my command"; Kerry says he would overhaul the military chain of command.·

Political abuse emulates prisoner abuse. Partisan opponents of Bush are demanding Rumsfeld's resignation and threaten "articles of impeachment" absent such resignation. John Kerry proclaims: "As President, I will not be the last to know what's going-on in my command."

Democrats' secret plan to "break" Rumsfeld with psychological "torture."

Congressional Democrats vow to require Rumsfeld to testify naked unless he agrees to divulge answers they seek in order to minimize risks to "Operation Aye, Rah, Kerry Fiefdom." Fearing Rumsfeld might not be intimidated by requirements that he testify naked, and remembering how the CIA played "heavy metal music" to coerce Manuel Noriega to surrender, Nancy Pelosi offered to use her influence in Hollywood to persuade Barbra Streisand to appear at the hearing and sing the Democratic fund-raising versions of her most famous songs until Rumsfeld breaks as did Noriega. Kerry's staff indicated they could use his influence with world leaders to persuade Jacques Chirac to also attend and serve as a Guest Inquisitor, but Ted Kennedy insisted that the new Socialist leader of Spain, Zapatero, could more effectively play Torquemada.

Pelosi Exposes Rumsfeld.

You know me as Nancy Pelosi,
a leader with plans for exposing
what Rumsfeld conceals:
To force him to squeal,
we'll make him appear without clothing.

If Rumsfeld by that isn't frightened
or flaunts "six-pack abs" that ain't wizened,
we'll force his submission
by making him listen
to Fund Raising singing by Streisand.

Kerry's plan to overhaul the chain of command.

To implement this novel approach, Kerry would enter an Executive Order turning the chain of command upside down and thereby enable himself to maintain direct, real-time knowledge of everything being done by bottom-rank personnel, to whom he would issue orders directly with instructions for them to then pass such information "down" (formerly "up") the chain of command on a "need to know" basis. This will assure Kerry's goal of always being the "first to know." To facilitate implementation of this plan, Kerry will also issue an Executive Order expanding the number of hours in each day from 24 to 41,666 hours to enable him to spend one minute each day communicating with directly with all bottom-rank federal employees.

Commander Kerry.

I'm John, whose proposal will show
I'd never be "lastest" to know
if troops on the ground
have strayed out of bounds--
Instead, I'd be "firstest" to know.

For me to know "first," I'd announce
a change in command that's profound:
Tradition I'd spurn
by Order to turn
the Chain of Command upside-down.

When a critic foolishly thought he perceived a flaw in Kerry's plan by calculating that spending one minute a day with each of the 2.5 million people serving in our military would require the entire 41,666 hours and leave no time for communicating with civilian employees, Kerry quickly exposed the flaw in such reasoning by explaining that he would only be communicating with bottom rank people, who would then pass the information "down" (formerly "up") the chain of command on a "need to know basis." "Therefore," said Kerry, "adding 41,666 hours to each day would actually allow me 8 hours to sleep, two hours for all three meals (including the fifteen minutes normally needed to get Ketchup to flow from a bottle of Heins Ketchup onto a hamburger), and at least two hours of "free time" to "strategize." Kerry said he thus could guarantee he would always know everything before any member of his cabinet. Said Kerry, "When I make a campaign promise, I always keep it before I break it."

--Jim Wrenn, Editor@PoliSat.Com.

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