John Kerry and Ted Kennedy, history's first twins conjoined after birth, receive advice from French Surgeons Without Bordeaux that not even modern science can separate them, thus leaving them as Ted Kerry's Hind's Kennedy.

April 7, 2004: #01 Political Satire/Commentary where satire is always commentary but commentary isn't always satire ™·2004.
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John Kerry and Ted Kennedy, history's first twins conjoined after birth, receive advice from French Surgeons Without Bordeaux that not even modern science can separate them, thus leaving them as Ted Kerry's Hind's Kennedy.·

Today, the modern marriage of reconstruction surgery and political science received a stunning setback. French Surgeons Without Bordeaux announced today that not even modern science can separate history's first twins to have become conjoined after birth. This failure of modern science condemns the conjoined twins, John Kerry and Ted Kennedy, to spend the rest of their political lives as Ted Kerry's Hind's Kennedy. In their pre-conjoined youth, both of the Kerry/Kennedy twins achieved fame braving the dangers of waterways-- Kerry by commanding a Swift Boat in Vietnam and Kennedy by commanding a Swift Car in Chappaquiddick. Kerry commanded his Swift Boat into a hail of gunfire to rescue a wounded crewman, and Kennedy braved a long walk past houses with telephones to seek counsel from political advisors about a passenger trapped underwater in his Swift Car.

Soon after Kerry joined Kennedy in the Senate to form a political team as the Twin Liberal Senators from the Peoples Republic of Massachusetts, they became conjoined the first time they found themselves together alone in the Senate Cloak Room. Orin Hatch, who claims to have played a vital role in separating Kennedy from alcohol, said he tried to separate the Kerry/Kennedy twins but found the effort too disgusting.

Anonymous sources indicate the Surgeons Without Bordeaux had been exploring the possibility of removing Ted Kerry's Hind's Kennedy and quickly substituting John McCain for the Hind's Kennedy to enable Ted Kerry to survive. When PoliSat.Com's Washington Bureau Drawer Chief asked McCain about the report that he had consented to be joined to Kerry to enable him to survive after separation from Kennedy, he said, "I've always been close to Kerry, but not that close."

The Heinz Company, eager to distinguish itself as a politically neutral company distinct from Kerry's wife's Heinz Ketchup issued a press release urging the press to avoid confusing Kerry's wife's Heinz Ketchup with Kerry's hind's Kennedy. A Kerry spokesperson issued a supportive press-release to reinforce the distinction by stressing, "Mrs. Heinz's Ketchup is slooow good," but Kerry's Hind's Kennedy is just "slow." Furthermore, the Kerry spokesperson added, the conjoined-twins status of Ted Kerry's Hind's Kennedy puts the lie to the claim that Kerry speaks from both sides of his mouth because it's obvious he has two mouths."

Kerry Then/Now and Teddy Then/Now.

Even though critics of the Ted Kerry's Hind's Kennedy twins often accuse Kerry of "flip-flopping," the conservative Media Research Center (MRC) reluctantly came to their defense. MRC's spokesman, Brent Bozell, said, "Although I hate to defend the Kerry/Kennedy twins against charges "flip-flopping," I cannot deny that for decades they've been consistently wrong." Although the Kerry/Kennedy twins both vehemently oppose the "Defense of Marriage Act," they enthusiastically support the "Defense of Annulment of Act." Each one assiduously avoids blaming any aspect of what they perceive as the flaws of the Vietnam War on Lyndon Johnson by always referring to the war as "Mr. Nixon's War." To be fair, however, neither of them lays claim to any particular expertise in knowledge of history, and both share a fervent desire to avoid learning lessons from it. There are, however, some important substantive differences between them: Kennedy obtained his wealth by inheritance, but Kerry got his "the old fashioned way"-- he married it.

Ted Kerry's Hind's Kennedy.

Though Kerry at first remained mum¹
on what his Hind's Kennedy's done
in claiming Iraq's
on Vietnam's track,
he's finally removing his thumb.

Says Kerry, "Teressa's Heinz's Ketchup,
is famously 'slow good' as ketchup,
however my hind's
twin-Kennedy's mind's
so slow that it's 'Kerry's Hind's MessUp.'"

Says Kennedy, "Kerry, of Heinz,
don't worry, I'm doing just fine
though sometimes you must
pretend you distrust
my guarding the left of your hind."

When will Ted Kerry elaborate on his views of his Hind's Kennedy's speech undermining the moral of our troops by characterizing Iraq as a "quagmire" like "Vietnam"? Not until modern surgery can devise a way to separate the Ted Kerry's Hind's Kennedy conjoined twins.

--Jim Wrenn, Editor at PoliSat.Com.

¹·According to a report by Scripps-Howard, Kerry "has remained mum" in the wake of Kennedy's speech undermining the morale of the troops in Iraq by claiming it has become Bush's "Vietnam."

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